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How to deal with refusal to go to respite

Sunbell

Registered User
Jul 29, 2010
712
0
Yorkshire, England
That is good news, hope you and mum have a relaxing enjoyable weekend break. Don't be worrying as dad will be well taken care of, you never know, he could even enjoy the break himself. I do hope so:)

Sunbell x
 

bidofnarm

Registered User
Aug 1, 2013
4
0
Good luck

You could ask for social services to arrange for someone to stay with him instead of going into respite. If not, be as honest as you can and explain that your mother needs a rest. Has he been to the home for respite before? If not, could you take him there for a visit? Maybe someone else could take him for a visit?
 

neets

Registered User
Aug 31, 2013
2
0
Refusal to go for respite break

I'm new to this forum but looking for help. My Sister and I are at our wits end as my Dad (who has been diagnosed with very early stages of dementia/altzheimers) is totally refusing to go to respite whilst we go on holiday in September. He has been going on respite breaks for the past 5 years and has always been a bit reticent about it, but accepting. This time he is adamant that he simply will not go and that we cant make him. We thought we had struck gold recently in finding the most wonderful, brand new care home locally and when he went in June he said he "couldn't fault it" and that the food "was superb" yet today he says he hates the place and would rather die than go there again. We have three ladies who come and take him out during the week to give us some time to ourselves and he's decided they can all care for him at home (despite them having their own jobs!). He forgets about all the times he has fallen over, had blackouts etc etc and we've been the ones to sort it all out. As responsible daughters, we could not possibly go away and leave him in his own home. He never cooks, cleans or shops for himself as he's 93 and not really capable. This refusal is all quite out of character as he's usually very genial. :confused: Any help or suggestions from people who've "been there" would be gratefully appreciated.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,289
0
SW London
I'm new to this forum but looking for help. My Sister and I are at our wits end as my Dad (who has been diagnosed with very early stages of dementia/altzheimers) is totally refusing to go to respite whilst we go on holiday in September. He has been going on respite breaks for the past 5 years and has always been a bit reticent about it, but accepting. This time he is adamant that he simply will not go and that we cant make him. We thought we had struck gold recently in finding the most wonderful, brand new care home locally and when he went in June he said he "couldn't fault it" and that the food "was superb" yet today he says he hates the place and would rather die than go there again. We have three ladies who come and take him out during the week to give us some time to ourselves and he's decided they can all care for him at home (despite them having their own jobs!). He forgets about all the times he has fallen over, had blackouts etc etc and we've been the ones to sort it all out. As responsible daughters, we could not possibly go away and leave him in his own home. He never cooks, cleans or shops for himself as he's 93 and not really capable. This refusal is all quite out of character as he's usually very genial. :confused: Any help or suggestions from people who've "been there" would be gratefully appreciated.

It sounds drastic, but maybe you could try some very blunt fibbing - tell him that the GP or SS or both have said he CANNOT be left alone, and if he doesn't go to the nice place you've arranged it will be out of your hands and SS will take over and put him somewhere not as nice.
Other than that, the previous advice about not discussing or asking, but simply taking him there, on a pretext if necessary, is very wise. We had to use fibs and deception to get my mother into her care home. None of us likes it, but sometimes, when someone simply isn't able to understand that they can't manage at all, it's the only way.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,726
0
Hi Is your respite home really good? I am desperately looking for a really good home so that we can get away for a week, I have 2 teenagers and we haven't been away for 3 years. Desperate. Would you mind telling me the name of the home and where it is? kind regards Christine
Hello there

I am so sorry for your family's problems at this time.

At first I had all sorts of trouble getting Mum to go to respite. She flatly refused, and said really hurtful things to make me feel guilty.

Then a (knowing) friend whom she knew and admired offered to help. This friend asked Mum if she would go with her to visit 'a centre' where she (the friend) was going to stay, and give her opinion. They went on a visit first, and then I took Mum the next day. The staff at the home were brilliant as we'd explained the situation.

It was alway difficult, but in the circumstances 'telling porkies' is excusable (although you don't feel like this at the time I felt I was totally betraying Mum). You don't mention whether your dad goes out anywhere, or has any 'mates' who might help. Also, like the other writers have said, talk it over with the staff at the respite home. They are really experienced at this very common problem.

Good luck, and if you succeed it will be so worth it for your mum. And your dad might even enjoy himself. If it doesn't work this time - DON'T give up!!

Keep your wings up! :)