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How to deal with refusal to go to respite

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
My father is due to go into respite on Fri so that I can take my mum away for a much deserved break for a couple of days but he is refusing to go. He has become very stubborn and doesn't think he needs anyone to care for him. This is despite him wandering off and having numerous falls. Our GP has assessed him and stares he isn't fit to provide consent but if he refuses to go how do we proceed?
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
You could be really blunt and tell him if your mum doesn't get a break then you don't know how long she can continue to look after him and it may end up that he will have to be put into a home, but to stop that happening a few days break on a regular basis will be fine. I have tried this with my mum on a couple of occasions in the past I just told her if I don't get a break I may end up doing something stupid and she would end up in a home (which she doesn't want), she went to respite and was fine, I hasten to add this was when she was first diagnosed and I was trying (still am) to get my head around this condition.
Now I just draw a calendar on a piece of paper for the month that has the week mum goes to respite, I circle the days she is away i circle in red and put 'coming home' on the day she is due to come home and I get the staff to cross the days off when she goes to bed, it seems to work (for now).
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
My brother tried being blunt but he just became very agitated and insisted that he can look after himself. Just don't know what to do now, he will refuse to get in the car and no one will be able to persuade him. Think it's getting to the stage where we will have to consider full-time care as he totally refuses any help offered and mum is finding it increasingly difficult to cope.
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
I suggest you don't mention it again until Friday and maybe he will have forgotten? Then blatantly lie to get him in the car and blatantly lie again when you get to the care home. I would justify all this by telling myself your mum needs the break and he needs to be safe otherwise all hell might break loose.

If this is no good, then have the mother of all arguments with him on the day and take him there.
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
I would say nothing as he is unable to reason. Just say nothing or say we are going out for coffee or something and when you get there the staff will take over. They are used to this. Just do it. No discussions as futile. No further conversations either. Just go, drop off and leave
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
My MIL is going into respite soon there is no way I will have any discussions about it with her. A bit like Day Centre, I didn't ask her or tell her, we just took her and let the staff take over. She loves it by the way! She thinks it is her luncheon club as the staff said she would and even if she didn't like it I am afraid she would have to go anyway for our sanity
 

Grandma Joan

Registered User
Mar 29, 2013
276
0
Wiltshire
Day care

We are taking Dad to the day care centre for the first time tomorrow to give mum a break. We haven't told him. (1) he won't want to go alone (2) he will forget we have told him anyway or he will worry and fret about it.
But we are doing it to give mum a break as she really needs it. If it works we hope to do it every week there. He has been before when we have accompanied him to afternoon sessions but we have never left him before. The staff are very kind. We too are apprehensive about it. Not sure how he will react during and after but we have to try for mums sake.
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
Thanks everyone, my dad did go to a day centre for a few weeks but has now decided that he doesn't like it and refuses to go back. He sleeps late most days and if mum wakes him to go to centre he gets very angry and refuses to get up. It is so difficult to deal with, we can't bear to deceive him about respite and fear there would just be a big scene at the care home.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,035
0
72
Durham
Could you get the GP or the SW to talk to him and tell him that if his wife doesn't have a break she will be ill and not be able to look after him at all . I told my husband that the hospital had said that and somehow I got through to him and although he didn't want to go he went because it was helping me, It is difficult i know because Allen always says he is fine at home by himself and there is nothing wrong with him,

Good luck,

Jeany x
 

Hair Twiddler

Registered User
Aug 14, 2012
891
0
Middle England
The only overnight respite that I can get is when I arrange for an agency carer to come and live in our house looking after mum. This enables me, hubby & the children to have a few nights away ( 2 nights in March, 4 coming up in August). It is very expensive but Mum will not accept any other arrangement. Any plea that it will be good for me to take a break is met with a black thunderous outburst. So agency staff take over our house. I would not recommend this route if you can possible avoid it - it is all a bit soul-destroying.
 

libbess

Registered User
Jul 10, 2013
9
0
My father is due to go into respite on Fri so that I can take my mum away for a much deserved break for a couple of days but he is refusing to go. He has become very stubborn and doesn't think he needs anyone to care for him. This is despite him wandering off and having numerous falls. Our GP has assessed him and stares he isn't fit to provide consent but if he refuses to go how do we proceed?

Hello there

I am so sorry for your family's problems at this time.

At first I had all sorts of trouble getting Mum to go to respite. She flatly refused, and said really hurtful things to make me feel guilty.

Then a (knowing) friend whom she knew and admired offered to help. This friend asked Mum if she would go with her to visit 'a centre' where she (the friend) was going to stay, and give her opinion. They went on a visit first, and then I took Mum the next day. The staff at the home were brilliant as we'd explained the situation.

It was alway difficult, but in the circumstances 'telling porkies' is excusable (although you don't feel like this at the time I felt I was totally betraying Mum). You don't mention whether your dad goes out anywhere, or has any 'mates' who might help. Also, like the other writers have said, talk it over with the staff at the respite home. They are really experienced at this very common problem.

Good luck, and if you succeed it will be so worth it for your mum. And your dad might even enjoy himself. If it doesn't work this time - DON'T give up!!

Keep your wings up! :)
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
Thanks for that Libbess, unfortunately my dad doesn't have any friends outside of immediate family. He would quite happily sit at home all the time and see only mum. He normally responds well to my brother so we are going to try and get him to the care home tomorrow by telling him he needs to see the GP to have his blood checked (he is on warfarin and has his blood checked regularly). Another concern is if he does go and stay in respite will he be angry with us when we pick him up? It is just so emotional, mum and I cry a lot, I'm just hoping my brother can help us through what is going to be a very difficult day.
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
I have found your post and related comments very interesting. I am trying to persuade my mum to go to daycare and have taken her for a couple of visits for 2 hours. However, she is very resistant to leaving the house and it takes my friend and I to get her into the car, even though we tell her we are just going out for a ride. (I hate telling lies as well but it is the only way). Once there, she is calling out for me frequently and shouting out that she wants to go home! The staff are wonderful and are willing to give it a try for another few weeks but, as they say, if she continually upsets the other visitors to the day centre, she will be unable to continue to go. She refuses to go to respite at all and it is getting difficult to leave her at home even with a sitter. If mum would go to day care once or twice a week I know it would help me to keep her living at home with me longer. We do not have any other family, who can help us. I know I am getting very tired and feeling the strain.
Dunkery
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
Hi Dunkery, I feel for you it is just so difficult. My dad seldom wants to leave the house and we can't leave him on his own as he wanders, gets lost and falls. We had a day care place for 3 days a week but because he refused to go he has now lost his place. We are going to see if this respite visit happens tomorrow but as a family we need to think of a longer term solution as my mum can't cope any longer. I totally understand how difficult it must be for you, do u have any support from a social worker?
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
Thank you Fraze. We do get advice from a CPN. She has advised me to put mum's name on a waiting list for a care home and has offered to come and look at some with me. She is encouraging me to persevere with the visits to the day care centre. I will thinking of you tomorrow. I really sympathise with your predicament. You must be so worried about both your parents. Hopefully if you do get your Dad there, he won't remember what happened when you go and pick him up and will be so pleased to see you that he wont be angry. Hope all goes well.
Dunkery
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
Thank you Fraze. We do get advice from a CPN. She has advised me to put mum's name on a waiting list for a care home and has offered to come and look at some with me. She is encouraging me to persevere with the visits to the day care centre. I will thinking of you tomorrow. I really sympathise with your predicament. You must be so worried about both your parents. Hopefully if you do get your Dad there, he won't remember what happened when you go and pick him up and will be so pleased to see you that he wont be angry. Hope all goes well.
Dunkery

Thanks Dunkery, I'm glad u have some support. I will post again tomorrow and let you know if dad agrees to stay in respite. Fingers crossed, mum really needs the break
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
Well Dad is in respite, still can't believe he has stayed. We told him he had to go and have his medication checked and the staff were great. It took a great deal of persuasion and telling some porkies but he's there. Fingers crossed he settles OK, so now mum and I can get our weekend away, woo hoo!
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,035
0
72
Durham
Well Dad is in respite, still can't believe he has stayed. We told him he had to go and have his medication checked and the staff were great. It took a great deal of persuasion and telling some porkies but he's there. Fingers crossed he settles OK, so now mum and I can get our weekend away, woo hoo!

Wow Fraze well done , I hope he enjoys it and next time will be easier,

Jeany x
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
Hi Fraze,
That is such good news that your Dad has settled into respite. I hope you and your mum will have a lovely weekend away and come back feeling refreshed from your break. Hopefully you will find your Dad has had a good weekend too and then you will be less apprehensive about repeating the experience before too long!
 

Fraze

Registered User
Jul 30, 2013
10
0
Thanks Jeany and Dunkery, it's such a relief but it was a very hard stressful process. Now we have to make the most of the break and have a relaxing weekend.