How to deal with Family members meaning well but creating issues

[daisy_dee]

Hello all,

My mum has recently moved in with me, so I can look after her, due to the Alz progressing quickly. ( I have both POA's and am the sole attorney)
Alongside the usual challenges, I am struggling with family members offering " helpful advice " directly to mum, meant to be well meaning but creating real concerns .

For example mum is not allowed to drive , has no idea as to time of day, or where she is ( still thinks lives in cornwall which is over 7 hours away now) , still struggling months later with finding way around house, never mind wandering around, but one family member suggested she get an electric bike so can go out and about by herself.. Next thing mum is googling bikes and was just about to buy one.. ,

Mum also has no real control on her finances, no idea how much she is spending and recently before moving up when she lived with her friend gave away alot of money for her to donations / tv competitions ( although I have POA so when she moved up I have gotten control of this ) . The same friend when she came up points out when over watching tv when adds come up about how sad, talking about charities..

We also left mum's cat down with the friend as they had been living together for 15 years , cat elderly, and friend wanted it down there, on the phone she starts talking to mum about how the cat, was crying outside mum old bedroom door, went in, and upset to find bed gone etc.. note the friend who is advanced years too, was all for mum moving up as the demands of looking after her were too much, which completely understand, and I wanted mum up with me, so she can be nearer her son and grandchildren also as couldnt move down there

Sorry for the long post . but how do I approach this with them ? ? should I approach this with them ?? am I making too much of this, it just creates more stress on top of everything else, as its also unsettling for mum, when I have to try and resolve / re-direct her

 

[Jessbow]

I think its all very difficult, difficult when friends are good enough to ring and chat ( great that the PWD remembers them too) that what they chat about in case it causes distress. If your Mum remembers Mary, and that Mary kept Tiddles, its perhaps Good that she is recalling all that, if difficult to tell Mary not to talk about it though- itswhat they have in common.

I'm quite impressed that someone can recall a convo about an electic bike, and get as far as google to find one, however inappropraite it might be!

I wouldnt say anything to her friends- they talk about 'their' things- of which we may have little knowledge, and presumably not daily. her friend finds the charity thing sad- maybe she does....as long as your mum now cant give silly amounts to these charites, does it really matter?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @daisy_dee

I think you may need to be quite firm with those who are offering unsolicited advice, especially to your mum. Perhaps when you walk them to the door on their way out or speak on the phone before your mother ends the call, you could tell them they are not helping but only adding to your mother`s confusion and making it much more difficult for you.

 

[Lawson58]

Perhaps with a little time, friends and family will gradually lose their enthusiasm as they discover that nothing really comes out of their suggestions.

Maybe it could be worth being a bit tolerant and forgiving as it might be helpful to have someone around to ask for a little family assistance if you need some respite. It might be aggravating but maybe not good to burn the bridges just yet. Some people can get a little antsy if they think you are being a bit critical.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

I agree with Grannie G. I know it’s really difficult and awkward but at some point you’ll have find a civil, but firm, way of saying, “I’m sorry but as much as mum loves to hear from you - she is getting terribly upset by sad news about Tiddles/Activities she can no longer do/charity appeals” (or whatever else it is they’re doing). Tell them she needs positivity from them*

I had to eventually pluck up the courage to tell family they couldn’t stay at mum’s anymore on holiday. They all thought she loved seeing them and I was just exaggerating her dementia. In reality having to play hostess for a week or (even two!) at a time was causing me and her terrible problems after they’d left. I should have done it a lot sooner and saved us both a lot of anguish.

My gentle hints went ignored. I’m the least confrontational person ever and kept putting it off but at some point you, the carer, has to take the initiative. Polite but firm. Best of luck! x

* edit: if they’re the type who loves to be “helpful”, you could even say you need their help or a great favour - please only positive things to mum as she’s been getting upset recently by X and Y subjects.

 

[daisy_dee]

thank you for the advice, all I want to do is try and prevent her getting upset and confused, I didnt mean to come across as intolerant or critical . Dreamsarereal / Grannie G thank you, that would be a really good way of approaching it without sounding critical . Probably more on me, that I phrased it incorrectly, just trying to find my way through this xxx thank you all

 

[DreamsAreReal]

thank you for the advice, all I want to do is try and prevent her getting upset and confused, I didnt mean to come across as intolerant or critical . Dreamsarereal / Grannie G thank you, that would be a really good way of approaching it without sounding critical . Probably more on me, that I phrased it incorrectly, just trying to find my way through this xxx thank you all

You’re welcome ?

I don’t think you phrased it incorrectly at all, but on any open forum you’ll find a variety of opinions and points of view. You don’t sound intolerant or critical to me. Caring for a pwd is hard enough, without other people making it harder, albeit unwittingly. If people genuinely want to help, they’ll be wiling to do what you ask. Good luck.

Keep reading and posting here, plenty of good info available on TP

 

[CAL Y]

@daisydee. It’s very difficult because in your position I’m sure that you will find that you are very sensitive to things that others might say. I certainly found that in my case.
There is a world of difference though between those who, in all innocence don’t understand and those , shall we say with ulterior motives who Refuse to understand.
Many people on this forum including myself will have experienced the latter.