How to deal with false accusations made by person with dementia

[Kaytee75]

My dad was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It's in the early stages and most people wouldn't know he had it. We have to keep it secret as my dad says nobody outside of the immediate family is allowed to know and he doesn't actually accept the diagnosis or believe he has it.
Out of nowhere, about 10 days ago, he got really angry with my mum at bedtime as he wanted to talk and she was tired and wanted to go to sleep. She told him to go and clean his teeth so they could get some sleep and he went into a rage (just verbal and something he's always been prone to!)
The next day he moved all of his stuff out of the bedroom and into the spare room. And he has stopped talking to my mum.
Initially when I asked him what had happened he got really angry, told me he'd "hung one" on my mum, demonstrated hitting her and said that was it, they were through and he wanted nothing to do with her. He didn't hit her, he's never but her .
Yesterday I told him that he needs to apologise to my mum or she won't speak to him (she's being stubborn now) and he got really angry again and told me he won't apologise, he's got nothing to apologise for and that my mum tried to kill him. He said she straddled him, beat him, had her hands in his eye sockets trying to gauge his eyes out and that he's lucky he can see. Again, none of this happened. I told him that didn't happen and he said I wasn't there so I don't know.
What do I do now? He believes this happened. I know that with Alzheimer's the brain does confuse things and make up events that haven't happened, so do I tell him this is what this is and try and make him see sense or will that make it worse, especially as he is angry about the diagnosis and doesn't accept he has it?
Apologies for the long post!

 

[GillP]

Welcome @Kaytee75 , Oh dear this is a dilemma. It reminds me, although I may be wrong, about a few situations with my husband. He began to believe things he was watching on TV were real and that he was involved in the incidents. So, on one occasion, watching Police Interceptors he believed that the police were after him. Another time watching the christening scene in The Vicar of Dibley he wanted to know if his baby was ok. She’s in her 50’s. So would your Dad have seen a programme which was violent. After this I made sure I censored TV viewing and watched with him.

When lockdown rules were relaxed and we could meet up to 5 people and this was on 10 O clock news he insisted that he had to go and meet 5 mates but would be back soon!

Just a thought but there are all manner of possibilities. With this horrendous disease. I’d let Memory Clinic , GP etc know as it could be linked to medication or an infection.

Also make sure that your Mum is safe and knows to access help if he does become violent.

Others may have experienced this too and will offer good advice.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Please get urgent help. This could so easily escalate and your mum is in danger.

1. He thinks he 'hung one on' your mother yet he sees nothing wrong with this, thinks it was deserved and shows no regret or remorse.

2. He has normalised an event which - as he describes it - was incredibly violent. Yet he cannot see that such a thing is either extremely unlikely to have happened, or that if it did, it would be a major incident! Would you stay in the same house as someone who had tried to throttle you and gouge your eyes out?

The point is this: if he has the same sort of hallucinations/delusions again tonight, what's to stop him actually hitting your mum? If he believes she has attacked him again then he will do.

You need to make sure your mum has a lock on the bedroom door (or another room in the house where she can lock herself in) and that she has a charged phone with her at all times, so she can call the police. Also contact adult mental health, SS and his GP and inform them about the incident. Tell them you fear for your mother's safety.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Just to add, don't bother trying to convince him he's wrong because he KNOWS he is right. You will only make him more angry, he'll think you're plotting against him and you're all in it together, etc, none of which is helpful. Pretend to go along with him and say you'll talk to your mum. And you do need to talk to her, not just about staying safe but so she understands that he's not doing any of this on purpose. (No, that doesn't excuse it but some understanding helps.)

My mother would frequently say, 'You weren't there so what do you know?' after telling me of some bizarre event she believed had happened. Incredibly frustrating.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Kaytee75.

I’m so sorry to read about your situation and agree with others that you need help. If your dad has a designated social worker then I would get in touch with them and let them know what’s happening. Your mum is very vulnerable and I would emphasise that in any conversation with SW.

If your dad’s behaviour escalates then please don’t hesitate to telephone the police. They will record any incidents and these records will be shared with social work.

In the meantime I wondered if this thread would be of any help -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[canary]

He began to believe things he was watching on TV were real and that he was involved in the incidents

Yes, I wondered that too as the same thing happened to mum. I wonder if your dad has been watching crime TV shows, @Kaytee75 , and now thinks the violent scenes shown actually happened to him and your mum? I had to censer mums TV viewing quite drastically.