How to deal with different alzheimers situations

[ASPIRE]

Hi Iam a carer for my wife who has alzheimers l have no support from family or friends l learn how to deal with different situations as they happen but now and a gain l need to talk to someone for advice.
I don,t know what to say to my wife when she says \ when am l going home \ where is my husband \ you are not my husband \ where are the others.

I have been telling her the truth \ You are home \ I am your husband \ Theres only the 2 of us here. Sometimes l don,t answer her \ sometimes l try to change the subject. What ever l do, it only lasts a short while and then she asks me again.
I just cant seem to lie to her and split my thoughts between my world and hers.
Advice please ASPIRE

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hello there. I'm sure you'll find lots of help here and answers from people who've found themselves asking the same questions as you.

In my case, when my husband asks those sort of questions, I've learnt that the best answer isn't necessarily the truth. When he asks "where are the others?" I find it's better not to say" there are no others" but simply say "they've gone out". It seems to keep him happier than being told there was nobody there, because he's so sure there were people there.

I'm sure you'll soon get some more suggestions.

 

[Izzy]

Hi and welcome to TP. my husband has Alzheimer's but I haven't faced the problems you describe. I know that many people have found this approach to communication helpful -

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[zeeeb]

I would suggest trying little white lies out, because eventually it will become necessary to calm her to tell some lies.

With my grandmother inlaw, she spent the first 2-3 years at the nursing home talking about going home. We went along with it, and carried on the story that her son would be coming next week to pick her up and take her back to her home town (10 hours drive away). This went on for years. It didn't agitate her, she was very patient and it worked. She must have forgotten each time that he never came to collect her so it never seemed to make her get worked up. But, it kept her calm thinking she was going home, so we just went along with it.

We would always ask questions, are you driving over? yes, when are you leaving, oh, next week I think. It seems to keep her from thinking that this was a permanent home.

Eventually she stopped talking about it.

 

[Shash7677]

When my mum first went into the psych unit and then her 1st care home she would always say she was going home, could I take her, when was 'x' arriving, why couldn't she go home. We just used to say things like, I hadn't got my car and it was a long way to walk, it was cold so she needed to stay in the warm, x would be there soon they must have got tied up at work, anything really to pacify her.

Some people don't agree with telling white lies but the truth can be confusing and upsetting so I always stuck with things that I knew would appease her at that particular time.

It must be so upsetting when your wife says you aren't her husband, there are others on here who have had similar experiences and in sure they will be along to help soon.

Take care
Sharon

 

[Shash7677]

I've sent you a PM with the title of a thread that may be of help to you. Sorry I can't do links.

Sharon

 

[Dikimiki]

Answer

Hi Iam a carer for my wife who has alzheimers l have no support from family or friends l learn how to deal with different situations as they happen but now and a gain l need to talk to someone for advice.
I don,t know what to say to my wife when she says \ when am l going home \ where is my husband \ you are not my husband \ where are the others.

I have been telling her the truth \ You are home \ I am your husband \ Theres only the 2 of us here. Sometimes l don,t answer her \ sometimes l try to change the subject. What ever l do, it only lasts a short while and then she asks me again.
I just cant seem to lie to her and split my thoughts between my world and hers.
Advice please ASPIRE

I had exactly the same questions with my late wife. I found it essential to palm her off with white lies, anything to prevent her becoming agitated because as the VaD developed her agitation would turn to violence. Your poor wife will have no concept of the truth and will believe that her opinions are the real facts and you are lying to her.
White lies are essential, I found the truth a complete no no.
Best wishes.

 

[Den01]

For Aspire,

The symptoms you have describe are almost identical to my wife's behaviour.

It may sound silly but a gift given to my wife was Teddy bear! Get one with a friendly face.

She treats it as a child puts it to bed ect.

Most certainly is a life saver for me when she has one of her tantrums.

Try it Best of luck

Den 01

 

[Ladybird23]

I think too telling white lies will help. It keeps the person calm. As long as there is something in the white lie that they can relate too.

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi Aspire, I have a mum who has dementia and in a emi unit. We have good visiting days and some very very bad days When she starts to ask where her home is or can she go home I would kind of say where do you think your house is? It would not be a direct question but I found that she would start talking about her home which ever one she thought of at that very moment (which could be her childhood home or the house we grew up in) and we made it into a conversation. I sometimes think she just needed to talk and it helped with her anxiety. You never win but you let her take the lead and I just go along with whatever helped her feel comfortable. I used to get very uptight when she would start asking questions and would worry about saying the wrong thing but found letting her control the situation and talking very gently probing her to talk. If you cannot answer the questions I would just say you know what I can't think of the answer as I have forgotten etc.

 

[Padraig]

No need to lie, I found it fun to enter her world, but then I knew her since she was eighteen years old. Not all carers are capable of this, maybe I was just lucky in that I knew the lovely warm family she grew up in. I would talk about her parents, brothers, sisters, school and the surrounding area she grew up in some 42 years earlier.

That area and house in Co. Durham no longer existed, it had long been demolished. That did not stop her taking off on foot to walk there! It was good exercise for both of us.

There is so much more I could write about having completed the whole 'journey' all the way.

 

[BR_ANA]

When my mom asked about my grands ( deads long time ago) I just used to answer " I miss them too, soon we will chat with them"

 

[Coffee]

There is a book called Contented Dementia which I found invaluable. Basically it tells you to tell little white lies, so the sufferer feels comfortable and those days when they are agitated are easy to handle.

 

[jaymor]

On my visits to see my husband as soon as I open the door I am in his world. I see what he sees, I have conversations with people only he sees. We are very lucky because the hallucinations he has had for 3/4 years have never frightened him.If he is in working mode then I write down notes of equipment to order or costings for invoices. Whatever he wants he gets. I can leave his world behind when I leave, something he will never be able to do. I will also join in with other residents and agree to go to a concert or gig, just tell me what time and I will be there.

My problems come when my husband's words are coming out all wrong. He seems to know what he is saying and if I give a wrong answer then he gets agitated and I loose his attention. Rarely will I regain his attention.He will get up in a huff and march off. If he is not back in five minutes I go looking only to find him in the kitchen holding hands with his 1:1 and having tea and biscuits and on the side is a cup waiting for me.

Jay