How to deal with bereavement? I shall find out.

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Mariko, Jul 5, 2015.

  1. Mariko

    Mariko Registered User

    Mar 1, 2015
    My beloved husband died on Fathers Day, the 21st June, the day after his 95th birthday. He had been diagnosed with the early symptoms of dementia just after his 90th birthday and I looked after him at home until he became physically so weak that I could no longer cope. He had been in a nursing home for the last 18 months, wonderfully cared for by the most amazing staff, and he died peacefully with people who really cared for him. Until the last few months he had been able to hold a limited conversation, and even make jokes, and a great blessing as far as we were concerned was that he never failed to recognise me - I went in every day - or daughter and grandchildren or friends. I count my blessings that he was diagnosed relativity late in life so we had a lot more time together than many have. We had been married for 55 years.

    Insofar as a funeral can be a joyous occasion his was and it was a true celebration of his life with his favourite music and some laughter. So many people came, and I am running out of room to put all the cards and letters on view. I feel I am surrounded by so much love. Fortunately my daughter and I have the same view of death. The person is not in the coffin, what is there is a poor worn-out body which he has left behind to move on to the next life.

    Probably because I had had years to prepare for it, and seeing how rapidly he had deteriorated in the final month I can honestly say that the sadness I felt at his death has not been as overwhelming as that which I felt when I had to put him in the nursing home. He was then aware of what was happening and being asked "When am I coming home?" was heartbreaking. I felt I had betrayed him by not continuing to look after him at home, impossible though that would have been and in the end the move was the right one for him.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to read of your loss. You clearly loved your husband very much. I'm glad you had a long and happy life together. Sending my condolences.
  3. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    Such a long time to be together, and what a massive hole he must have left behind. If it makes things any better remember your husband may not have talking about the home he'd been moved from, but about 'home' from long ago. It sounds as if you both had a good experience with his care home, which is great x
  4. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    sorry for your loss, but you did good to him.
  5. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    #5 Saffie, Jul 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
    I could echo those words. "When am I coming home?" are indeed heartbreaking ones and I feel for you and everyone who has to hear them, knowing you cannot grant that wish and answer truthfully.

    You beat us in the marriage stakes as we had been married for 2 months off 53 years when he died a year ago. He was 75, ten months older than I was but of course I am now older than he will ever be. It is indeed a long time to be together.

    Of course, taking up a normal daily routine with no visits needs adjusting to as well. Suddenly, there is something called time! I hope you find fulfilling ways of spending your days. You seem to have a very positive attitude towards life and I'm sure that will help you in the days and weeks to come. For the days that are not so good, TP is always here. x
  6. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Mariko. I'm very sorry that you have recently lost your beloved Husband. You sound as though your beliefs will help you at this difficult time- I do hope so. Celebrate your 55 years together-no mean achievement.

    Take good care of yourself

    Lyn T XX
  7. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So sorry for the loss of your dear husband.

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