How to cope with what you see

Marinajane

Registered User
Feb 25, 2018
54
0
please can anyone help me cope with the image I saw today of my beloved husband. I found him alone in his room in his nursing home on the floor, he had put himself there taken off his trousers and pants and had been doubly incontinent. The sight was awful and it breaks my heart
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
No I can't but I hate this awful disease and what it does to people. So sorry you had to see this happen to your husband. It is unfair and so very sad. Sorry that is all I can say and dreading this kind of thing happening to my dad. Big hugs for you.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Hang on to the true memories of who your husband is and try an objective view of the illness on the floor. When my husband had a bout of first diarrhoea and then vomiting I could not believe I was on my knees cleaning it up and hosing him down. My husband! The only love of my life!

I had to split my thoughts in two - get on with the job - sort him out and restore him to health as best I could. I am not a natural nurse but I am very pragmatic and practical. Some things have to be done and taken care of so I need to grit my teeth and do them. I tend not to say much about this side of things to family and friends as I don't want them to see him in this way when they talk with him.

Yesterday the carer who helps me with showering some mornings said how immaculate John always is and how she likes leaving here with the smell of his Armani after shave on her. That's how I want him to be seen. The occasional horror view is in a separate compartment in my mind.

So I know exactly how you are feeling. It is painful and hard to live with but you need to box it up as a harsh part of this illness and file it away. Come on TP and get rid of some of the pain.
 

Marinajane

Registered User
Feb 25, 2018
54
0
Hang on to the true memories of who your husband is and try an objective view of the illness on the floor. When my husband had a bout of first diarrhoea and then vomiting I could not believe I was on my knees cleaning it up and hosing him down. My husband! The only love of my life!

I had to split my thoughts in two - get on with the job - sort him out and restore him to health as best I could. I am not a natural nurse but I am very pragmatic and practical. Some things have to be done and taken care of so I need to grit my teeth and do them. I tend not to say much about this side of things to family and friends as I don't want them to see him in this way when they talk with him.

Yesterday the carer who helps me with showering some mornings said how immaculate John always is and how she likes leaving here with the smell of his Armani after shave on her. That's how I want him to be seen. The occasional horror view is in a separate compartment in my mind.

So I know exactly how you are feeling. It is painful and hard to live with but you need to box it up as a harsh part of this illness and file it away. Come on TP and get rid of some of the pain.
Thank you for this. I will try to put it into a different compartment. Things used to happen at home and I would cope with cleaning but I just hated finding him alone and at other people’s mercy. You just feel so powerless.
 

Marinajane

Registered User
Feb 25, 2018
54
0
No I can't but I hate this awful disease and what it does to people. So sorry you had to see this happen to your husband. It is unfair and so very sad. Sorry that is all I can say and dreading this kind of thing happening to my dad. Big hugs for you.
Thank you for the big hugs. I dread going in today and what I will find but he is the man I love and always will.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
Thank you for this. I will try to put it into a different compartment. Things used to happen at home and I would cope with cleaning but I just hated finding him alone and at other people’s mercy. You just feel so powerless.
Crumbs yes, I so understand, and about things happening at home. I so so sympathise with how you feel about beloved husband, this is so hard. How is he today? Gxx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
Thank you for the big hugs. I dread going in today and what I will find but he is the man I love and always will.
Of course, sweetheart, of course. So many of us on here are in this position. I came home from work once to find OH in the road in front of our house, covered in poo. He's in a nursing home, too, now. Gxx
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,634
0
South of the Border
please can anyone help me cope with the image I saw today of my beloved husband. I found him alone in his room in his nursing home on the floor, he had put himself there taken off his trousers and pants and had been doubly incontinent. The sight was awful and it breaks my heart

It must be absolutely crushing for you - and there are those who say 'Live well with dementia' - they cover up this kind of nightmare. My heart goes out to you, I just hope my OH passes on before he gets to that stage.....
 

Fullticket

Registered User
Apr 19, 2016
486
0
Chard, Somerset
I looked after my mum - a million miles away from a husband or a child I know - but I after some practice did not respond to the immediate thought 'Oh that is mum covered in poo, how embarrassing for her/tragic for the family' etc. Instead, there was a person covered in poo. I was the one responsible for clearing it up and cleaning her up. That worked for us as there was no 'emotion' on my part so she accepted care. On the other hand, when people used to say that she was always dressed smartly, was clean and smelled nice, her nails were trimmed and her hair was styled, then I did pat myself on the back a bit as only me and the professionals also involved in her care really knew what went into getting her fit for an audience. Probably why sibling thought that caring for her was a piece of cake, but that's another story.
You do what you have to to get through this. In my case remember my mum as she was and deal with a person with PWD - easy to say...
 

Marinajane

Registered User
Feb 25, 2018
54
0
Crumbs yes, I so understand, and about things happening at home. I so so sympathise with how you feel about beloved husband, this is so hard. How is he today? Gxx
Thank you. He was on the floor but not in that state. Today he was mainly frightened. He gets afraid he will lose me. He still knows and loves me and clings to me but from the minute I arrive often spends the time worrying that I will be leaving later and he will never see me again. He doesn’t understand where he is or why.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
Thank you. He was on the floor but not in that state. Today he was mainly frightened. He gets afraid he will lose me. He still knows and loves me and clings to me but from the minute I arrive often spends the time worrying that I will be leaving later and he will never see me again. He doesn’t understand where he is or why.
thank YOU. Oh my dear this is so so hard for you. There is never enough reassurance possible is there Gx
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
0
New South Wales Australia
It must be absolutely crushing for you - and there are those who say 'Live well with dementia' - they cover up this kind of nightmare. My heart goes out to you, I just hope my OH passes on before he gets to that stage.....
I feel the same. My husband is 86 so I hope other natural causes will happen first - but either way it's heart breaking. A good reason to live only in the present and make light of the future. And yes! Help me find the good in every day!
 

therese

Registered User
Jan 6, 2016
10
0
gloucestershire
Hang on to the true memories of who your husband is and try an objective view of the illness on the floor. When my husband had a bout of first diarrhoea and then vomiting I could not believe I was on my knees cleaning it up and hosing him down. My husband! The only love of my life!

I had to split my thoughts in two - get on with the job - sort him out and restore him to health as best I could. I am not a natural nurse but I am very pragmatic and practical. Some things have to be done and taken care of so I need to grit my teeth and do them. I tend not to say much about this side of things to family and friends as I don't want them to see him in this way when they talk with him.

Yesterday the carer who helps me with showering some mornings said how immaculate John always is and how she likes leaving here with the smell of his Armani after shave on her. That's how I want him to be seen. The occasional horror view is in a separate compartment in my mind.

So I know exactly how you are feeling. It is painful and hard to live with but you need to box it up as a harsh part of this illness and file it away. Come on TP and get rid of some of the pain.
 

therese

Registered User
Jan 6, 2016
10
0
gloucestershire
Oh I am uplifted by your response. My husband (married over 48 years) has had Alzheimer's for over 8 years now (diagnosed) and I am having to do things that in my wildest wildest nightmares I would never have imagined. I keep telling myself that of course he can't help what is happening and I fear for the future and how much worse this can get. I do cope - just - but having to clean up upsets me so much. Any tips? You sound as though you are coping with this far better than me and any help would be appreciated.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
Oh I am uplifted by your response. My husband (married over 48 years) has had Alzheimer's for over 8 years now (diagnosed) and I am having to do things that in my wildest wildest nightmares I would never have imagined. I keep telling myself that of course he can't help what is happening and I fear for the future and how much worse this can get. I do cope - just - but having to clean up upsets me so much. Any tips? You sound as though you are coping with this far better than me and any help would be appreciated.
May I join? I was my husband's sole carer for four years (now in nursing home) and like you had to cope with awful stuff. I kept two blue overalls, similar to nurses uniform, and when faced with awful cleaning job, used to put one on and pretend I was a nurse!! Mad, I know, but it distanced it a bit. Also kept cleaning up kit upstairs and downstairs, lots of nappy wipe things, kitchen roll, etc, etc, all together in wicker basket, so stuff at hand immediately. And lots of dog poo bags to drop soiled stuff in. Plus rubber gloves. All helped me to move quickly. Even so, am having to replace carpets in several rooms, industrial hygenic cleaning having failed to remove the stain and smell. So if you can find a way that works to protect carpets, that is great. My OH just removed anything I put down for protection and stuffed it down the toilet.
My dear, you are not alone. Thank you for letting me join. Gx
 

therese

Registered User
Jan 6, 2016
10
0
gloucestershire
May I join? I was my husband's sole carer for four years (now in nursing home) and like you had to cope with awful stuff. I kept two blue overalls, similar to nurses uniform, and when faced with awful cleaning job, used to put one on and pretend I was a nurse!! Mad, I know, but it distanced it a bit. Also kept cleaning up kit upstairs and downstairs, lots of nappy wipe things, kitchen roll, etc, etc, all together in wicker basket, so stuff at hand immediately. And lots of dog poo bags to drop soiled stuff in. Plus rubber gloves. All helped me to move quickly. Even so, am having to replace carpets in several rooms, industrial hygenic cleaning having failed to remove the stain and smell. So if you can find a way that works to protect carpets, that is great. My OH just removed anything I put down for protection and stuffed it down the toilet.
My dear, you are not alone. Thank you for letting me join. Gx
 

therese

Registered User
Jan 6, 2016
10
0
gloucestershire
This is such a good idea - I always wanted to be an actress so a nurse's uniform and being another person will help. Also keeping a basket with everything to hand - M's situation has worsened very recently so I must admit to not being very organised as yet. No longer ..... thanks so much x
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
I agree that the basket is an excellent idea. I didn't live with mum but when I was caring for her daily I never knew what I might find.....well, actually I did and it wasn't pleasant !!
I had a bag with rubber gloves, cleaning materials, wipes, pads, etc that I kept stocked and ready by my front door. I just picked it up on my way to mum's. There'd have been no point in leaving it at her flat, goodness knows what would have happened to the contents.
I wish you strength, it's a difficult time....
Lindy xx
 

Juliecoombs123

New member
Dec 10, 2017
6
0
please can anyone help me cope with the image I saw today of my beloved husband. I found him alone in his room in his nursing home on the floor, he had put himself there taken off his trousers and pants and had been doubly incontinent. The sight was awful and it breaks my heart
You poor poor lady. I can relate to this as my mum has just started to use the back garden as a toilet and not just for urinating. This disease is beyond evil and I personally can only hope that my mum’s passing is imminent and painless. We must not remember these horrific things that we see though and we must try to remember the good times that we had. My thought are with you x
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
0
New South Wales Australia
Dear @Marinajane - that really tough on you - I hope today is a much better day - you husband was probably frustrated by his clothing- knowing instinctively what was about to happen- and just had to get clear of them - I’ve seen my husband pull at his clothes when he realised he needed to be free of them. Big Hugs to you.
 

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