over the last eight or so years my mother has changed in so many ways. she suffered a traumatic head injury about fifteen years ago( concussion from falling from a horse) and since then has gradually pulled back from involvement with the family, withdrawn from social life and has become irrationally confrontational with myself my father and third parties. this is making my father ill and confusing my children as to why they never see granny. nothing on earth would convince her to go to the doctor so how can i approach the situation?
how to approach a parent
- Thread starter ed bailey
- Start date
Hello
My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
If it is any consolation you will find loads of help and advice from others on this Forum who so much more knowledgeable about this than me.
I guess no parent wants to face reality when things start going wrong mentally or physically and, from my experience, the last person that they want hear this from is their own children!
I am in the same position as you but it is my mother who is widowed and nearly 90. She is not coping too well, struggles writing cheques and has just had a scrape in her car. Her memory is failing and she is very frail. She is fiercely independent and will turn on me at a drop of a hat if she thought I was implying any weakness or fraility. All part of dementia, so I understand.
It is very worrying and frustrating.
I have not had the courage to speak to Mum because I cannot bear to upset her and, as I live next door to her and see her most days it would be unbearable if she stopped speaking to me.
I have an older brother is lives about 60 miles away and I had hoped to get him in involved but he just buries his head in the sand.
Anyway, a couple of lovely people on this forum (Fred Flintstone and Amy from the US) did suggest that I write to Mum's GP which I did do and I understand they will be contacting Mum to get her in for a check up.
Worth a try?
However, I am sure you will get loads of advice, support and help.
In the meantime, just try to remember that you are not alone in this and there will always be someone on here who will listen.
Kind regards
Mrs C
My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
If it is any consolation you will find loads of help and advice from others on this Forum who so much more knowledgeable about this than me.
I guess no parent wants to face reality when things start going wrong mentally or physically and, from my experience, the last person that they want hear this from is their own children!
I am in the same position as you but it is my mother who is widowed and nearly 90. She is not coping too well, struggles writing cheques and has just had a scrape in her car. Her memory is failing and she is very frail. She is fiercely independent and will turn on me at a drop of a hat if she thought I was implying any weakness or fraility. All part of dementia, so I understand.
It is very worrying and frustrating.
I have not had the courage to speak to Mum because I cannot bear to upset her and, as I live next door to her and see her most days it would be unbearable if she stopped speaking to me.
I have an older brother is lives about 60 miles away and I had hoped to get him in involved but he just buries his head in the sand.
Anyway, a couple of lovely people on this forum (Fred Flintstone and Amy from the US) did suggest that I write to Mum's GP which I did do and I understand they will be contacting Mum to get her in for a check up.
Worth a try?
However, I am sure you will get loads of advice, support and help.
In the meantime, just try to remember that you are not alone in this and there will always be someone on here who will listen.
Kind regards
Mrs C
Hi ed. It's a sad and difficult situation, and all you can do is try a few things...
There was no way my mum was ever going to see a doctor about the many problems she was experiencing due to her Alzheimer's. As far as she was concerned she was fine, and there was absolutely no regard for how her behaviours were impacting on the rest of us. She was otherwise healthy, though, and a very infrequent visitor to her doctor's. So I made up a story about the flu being extra horrible that year and off we both went to get the flu jab. At that point I'd seen her GP already, so they were aware that that wasn't the real purpose of the visit.
If that sounds like it won't work, you could speak to her GP (they probably won't say a lot back!) and see if they agree to a home visit under some pretext (new check ups for people over a certain age etc).
You don't say if you suspect some kind of dementia but I'm guessing that's the case seeing as you're here, so you could also identify areas in which both your parents need practical help and introduce a level of carer involvement for her by pretending that someone is going to come in and clean or do the garden or whatever. Sometimes a skilled outsider gets better results than family members.
But, and it's a really big but, even if you get as far as a diagnosis, if she refuses to engage with whatever is suggested (medication, care visits and so on) she will not be made to do anything until/unless she loses capacity. That was the story for me and my mum. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's but refused medication and every bit of help that was on offer. The only gain was me having access to a very good consultant, CPN and social worker. She wouldn't allow them to help her, but they helped me a great deal.
The only other thing I'll mention is that if your mum's problems are dementia related then things will progress and change, and people can become calmer and more compliant as they move through the stages. It doesn't help the situation now, of course.
There was no way my mum was ever going to see a doctor about the many problems she was experiencing due to her Alzheimer's. As far as she was concerned she was fine, and there was absolutely no regard for how her behaviours were impacting on the rest of us. She was otherwise healthy, though, and a very infrequent visitor to her doctor's. So I made up a story about the flu being extra horrible that year and off we both went to get the flu jab. At that point I'd seen her GP already, so they were aware that that wasn't the real purpose of the visit.
If that sounds like it won't work, you could speak to her GP (they probably won't say a lot back!) and see if they agree to a home visit under some pretext (new check ups for people over a certain age etc).
You don't say if you suspect some kind of dementia but I'm guessing that's the case seeing as you're here, so you could also identify areas in which both your parents need practical help and introduce a level of carer involvement for her by pretending that someone is going to come in and clean or do the garden or whatever. Sometimes a skilled outsider gets better results than family members.
But, and it's a really big but, even if you get as far as a diagnosis, if she refuses to engage with whatever is suggested (medication, care visits and so on) she will not be made to do anything until/unless she loses capacity. That was the story for me and my mum. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's but refused medication and every bit of help that was on offer. The only gain was me having access to a very good consultant, CPN and social worker. She wouldn't allow them to help her, but they helped me a great deal.
The only other thing I'll mention is that if your mum's problems are dementia related then things will progress and change, and people can become calmer and more compliant as they move through the stages. It doesn't help the situation now, of course.
How do you help a parent who doesn't think there affected but can't manage bank accou
Hi, I wonder if anyone could give me some much needed advice. My mums memory is getting very bad, she is confusing events thinking she was there etc when she wasn't, she keeps ringin bank getting them to cancel dd or rencently she contacted fraud dept as she said the amount paid to phone company was wrong but she in fact owed them a large amount as she had cancelled the dd Again!! I cannot be poa because she has debts nor apparently can I stop her doing these things as the bank say she is the client!
She only has a basic pension and is getting more in debt by doing these things, I do not live near here so I can't go to the bank etc to sort these things out all the time.
I don't know what to do, how do you help someone who doesn't think there that bad but isn't bad enough not too know if they went in home etc?
Hi, I wonder if anyone could give me some much needed advice. My mums memory is getting very bad, she is confusing events thinking she was there etc when she wasn't, she keeps ringin bank getting them to cancel dd or rencently she contacted fraud dept as she said the amount paid to phone company was wrong but she in fact owed them a large amount as she had cancelled the dd Again!! I cannot be poa because she has debts nor apparently can I stop her doing these things as the bank say she is the client!
She only has a basic pension and is getting more in debt by doing these things, I do not live near here so I can't go to the bank etc to sort these things out all the time.
I don't know what to do, how do you help someone who doesn't think there that bad but isn't bad enough not too know if they went in home etc?
It does sound like your mum might have dementia, and if she has then it's a very difficult stage for a loved one. I say that because you're likely to be fought every step of the way as you try to help.
Regardless of her debts, you could get the PoA put in place if she agrees. There is also such a thing as an Apointee when it comes to dealing with the DWP for her but, again, she'd have to agree (or there would have to be proof of loss of capacity).
One of the things you could start with is getting a diagnosis. My mum wouldn't have gone to the doctor about her memory so I spoke to him first then tricked her into coming with me for a flu jab.
Not that a diagnosis is a magic bullet that solves all problems! My mum refused all help and I had to get a Deputyship through the court of protection to sort out her finances.
It's worth remembering, though, that debts, while obviously not to be taken lightly, won't really impact massively on your mum. She's clearly not well so whoever she owes money to will have to wait or even write off the debt. More important is trying to keep her safe. If you feel she's generally not coping too well with looking after herself you could start by contacting her local social services department. Say you're concerned and that she's a vulnerable adult. They have a duty to at least check her out. And if you're lucky and get a good social worker, he or she will try and help.
P.S. As far as the bank, you could be added to her account as a third party. If she agrees. They would then talk to you.
Mine did, then forgot and thought I was stealing her money, then had me taken off again. Her behaviour was really out of control yet the bank did absolutely nothing to help. They didn't even freeze her accounts.
But you might be luckier.
Mine did, then forgot and thought I was stealing her money, then had me taken off again. Her behaviour was really out of control yet the bank did absolutely nothing to help. They didn't even freeze her accounts.
But you might be luckier.
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