how often to visit in a CH

[lallstom]

This is my first post but I have had a lot of useful advice from reading posts over past few months.
My mother has vascular dementia. She was at home alone with carers twice a day and myself every day. i am the only living relative. She usually turned carers away and denied any problems even though incontinent, wet bed daily, not eating poor mobility etc. She was also verbally aggressive. No wash/shower etc for oner 3 months!!
After yet another fall and flat refusal for care link etc etc she was admitted for assessment and 3 weeks ago went into CH as felt she now needed 24hr care.. It is lovely - only 25 residents and 10 in EMI section.
Since moving - now unable to walk , needs wheel chair which she has previously refused to even consider. Still refusing all food, drinking very little. We stayed away for first week on advice of carers to give her chance to settle in. But cries every time I go , is very quiet, does not know where she is - just a lovely big house but she cant grasp she lives there. Lost most of reality. I have been visiting avery other day but am I making things worse? Certainly upsetting myself ! Advice please.

 

[Noorza]

I think you have to visit as often as it suits you, your mum has probably lost the concept of time. There is no escaping the emotional roller coaster this disease puts us on as we are caring people. So sorry.

 

[lallstom]

I think you have to visit as often as it suits you, your mum has probably lost the concept of time. There is no escaping the emotional roller coaster this disease puts us on as we are caring people. So sorry.

But am I preventing her settling in if she is waiting for my visits ?

 

[Noorza]

But am I preventing her settling in if she is waiting for my visits ?

It's an impossible question to answer, have you had a chat with the CH to see how she is before and after your visits?

 

[Butter]

Welcome lallstom and it is sad to hear about your mother.

In my experience you are not making things worse. I have heard the advice of not to visit to allow people to settle. But there are no rules. Some people settle quickly - and then unsettle again. Some people are always settled. Others never settle.

I suggest you balance your mother's needs as well as your own. I decided I could visit my mother once a week - forever. And I did. And I am extremely glad because it meant that as she got ill and died I had a good relationship established with the home/GP etc. It meant over those last days I was able to help her and get her the end-of-life care she needed.

My father visited her every day - and I'm afraid she wept to go home.

So there are no easy answers except trying to take a long term view of a balance of what is best for you and what is best for your mother.

 

[LYN T]

Hi

This is a very difficult question to answer; I visit my Husband everyday-but I think that is more for my own benefit rather than his (he no longer knows me as his wife and hasn't for about 9 months even when he was at home).

Pete is very happy in the CH-happier than when he was at home. However I miss him, and even though I am very pleased with the care he receives I need to know that everything continues to be OK.

In a way I think it's my guilt that keeps me going; I don't think I will ever get over the fact he's in a CH even though I was told that he needs 24 hr care and I was no longer able to do that.

Keep talking to the Carers to get advice, but in the end it's your decision.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Polly1945]

Hi Lallstom,

Welcome to the forum.

It's heartbreaking isn't it. We try our best and still feel guilty.

I visit my Mum at least once a week and often it is twice a week.

She will often say, I didn't know you were coming to see me today, what day is it? Until she is reminded that I visited only a few days ago (and probably took her out shopping and for a cuppa) she can't remember when I last visited her.

I brought her back home on Sunday, thinking it would be nice for her, but she fell asleep while I was next to her doing my ironing (trying to catch up!) then she couldn't remember what the care home looked like.

When we returned to the Home (she has been there since Dec last year) she was greeted by a lovely young carer, who said Hello Mary, you look very glamorous, I love your jumper. Mum was so pleased and then said that everyone was so kind at the home, I left her sitting in the lounge with others looking quite happy.

My Mum too is in a lovely home with great carers. It doesn't stop her wanting to come home or to go back to Manchester (where she lived for all her life - 92 years!)

Play it by ear for the time being, you may find that a couple of times a week is fine.

Love
Pauline

 

[lallstom]

Thanks everyone for all your advice. Will carry on visiting and see what happens.

 

[jaymor]

Hi,

My husband was in an assessment unit and we visited daily. He then went on into a nursing home. Our son and daughter and myself were at the nursing home when he arrived from the unit. Our daughter and I plus the grandchildren on some days continued to visit daily. My husband was settled but we needed to know how the home worked and to see the care given. My husband has been in the nursing home for nearly twelve month now and our visits are now every other day with our son visiting at the weekends as he lives a distance away.

When I asked about when should we visit when he first went into the nursing home we were told as often and for as long as you want. This is now his home and you are his family, It is now our second home too. The staff know we care and they appreciate that we visit regularly. I know my husband now has no concept of time or of me being his wife or his daughter and son being who they are but we have not forgotten who he is and we want and need to see him.

I don't really believe a care home should dictate to you when you visit or how often you go. Some people settle straight away, some take a little time, some a lot of time and some never but that should not stop you visiting if you want to go. If they are not settled they will be unhappy whether you are there or not.

Hope thing settle down and you can enjoy some calmer times together,

Jay

 

[wobbly]

It's so difficult to know what to do for the best isn't it?! When my Dad first went in we left it a week or so on their advice...plus mum needed a break. I now go maybe once a week or every 10 days or so, when he was at home that's how often I'd go over roughly so I thought it made sense to have the same sort of gap. I need the space myself too, we have recently moved mum nearer to us so I see a lot more of her which is great and suits her well too, we usually go together to see Dad. I have a brother and a sister both who live away that are supportive but work full time so the visiting falls to me and a brother near too who is invisible and not interested in anyone only his own close family....but I find it really draining emotionally as we all do, I wish I could really want to go more often.....

 

[grobertson62]

Hi i would say visit as often as it suits you
We visited dad almost every day for 2.5years and looking back i dont regret it. But we were fortunate the home was great