How often should you visit the care home at first?

[Canadian Joanne]

Michael,
That first home you described does sound very good. You have to go with your gut, with a bit of rational thought in there. I liked the way the sociologist said clothes could get mixed up, residents could get out of hand. She was being practical about what does go on. I like the staffing - 2 to 1.

Yes, it can take up to 3 months for a resident to settle in, certainly took my mother close to that time.

If you want to visit more often than they suggest, you certainly can. Perhaps just standing to the side & seeing how Monique is doing.

It's a hard time for you right now. My heart goes out to you.

Love
Joanne

 

[connie]

Hi Michael, have been thinking about your situation, so will elaborate a little more about Lionel.

Chose a home initally that I felt would give Lionel justwhat he needed in the way of care and stimulation. We were fortunate in that he had stayed there for a months respite earlier.

Firstly, they gave Lionel a room NOT on the dementia wing because his mobility decreased and he objected to people just wandering in and out of his room, although he liked to keep his door wide open.

He used to be wheeled into the dementia unit for meals and afternoon activities.
Nowdays he is confirned to his room, and his 'special' chair.
Meals are taken in his room as he has to be fed. Cannot follow any activity that is going on, and is more likely to be totally disruptive if they try to engage him in anything social. Today everything is one to one.

All this difference in just six months. You have to try to think longterm, and go with your 'gut' feeling.

I was extremely lucky, and they are working with Lionel through this time.
I try and spend as much time as possible with him. Was there again today for 6 hours, hands on with his care. Just because it sits more easily on my shoulders, would not suit everyone. Take care, love n'hugs,

 

[alfjess]

Hi Micheal

I agree with, it takes approx 3 months.
When I first brought Mum and Dad from their own home to live in the chalet in the garden, it did take about 3 months for Mum to stop asking how to get a bus home, after that, no way, did she want to go home, I don't know how the change happened, but it did

Dad went with the flow, as always.

Now they are in care, we have the same scenario, Mum asking to come home, get her out of here (the care home)
The problem arises when we leave, she wants us to stay overnight (which I think is a positive)

I was advised to give them time to settle, a couple of weeks, and maybe forget, home
I myself didn't visit, for a couple of weeks, but had others visit, just to, I suppose set my mind at rest and to make sure they were ok and not desperately unhappy.

As has been said, every individual is different and every carer is different, but I think sometimes instinct can play a big part in how you deal with it. You know Monique best.

Hope you find the best care home possible and do not feel guilty. You have done everything for your Monique.
Look after yourself

Alfjess

 

[warmsmile]

Lack of resources

My 79 year old Mum was moved from Residential Care in to a Dementia home 2 months ago, because the previous home could not meet her needs, she was happy there and whilst living there for 4 years, was diagnosed with Vasular and Altzheimer's dementia.

The home she is in now looks lovely from the outside, it's a formar Hunting Lodge in Warwickshire with beautiful countryside, however 98% of the residents have severe dementia, and my Mum sticks out like a sore thumb as her level of demential is very mild compared to the others, she shuts herself in her room, and does not like eating with the other residents, so tends to just have lunch with them but feels very uncomfortable, she has tried to communicate with some of them, yet gets very little of no response.

What I noticed (having worked as a carer for many years) is the lack of staff and resources. I was told that there were activities every day, which clearly they don't have the time or the staff for. I mentioned that my Mum 'need's mental stimulation otherwise she can become quite challenging, also she gets very bored, because none of the other residents are interested, they are quite happy just sitting all day.

Unfortunately I don't live locally and Im only able to visit every 2 weeks. When I visited her last weekend I found her clothes covered in food, her tray had fallen on the floor, she is partially blind so doesn't notice the stains on her clothes. I chose something else for her to put on. Previously I had noticed there were no Yellow bags in her toilet for her incontinence bags, I managed to find some and emptied the soild ones into a bag and disposed of them, she had at least 2 days worth piled up on the floor. This weekend I visited her to find the yellow bag was over flowing and had obviously not been emptied because it was a weekend.

It doesn't seem to matter if I mention it to the Carers, so I will have to put it in writing to the Manager I think. Finally I would just like to say how I feel my Mum is just one of many who I classify as a 'grey area' she is not bad enough to be amongst those with severe dementia, yet was unable to reamin in Residential care because the staff there were not trained in Dementia. I would like to see small homes or houses for a few people with mild Dementia who still have a level of independance, which Mum has she just needs a little assistance with bathing. I feel she has been labeled and put in a Dementia home because there is nowhere else for her.

Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest

 

[Michael E]

Warmsmile hi,

I think you have highlighted the problem with exclusively AD homes. The majority of the occupants frequently seem pretty advanced and only a tiny minority can actually converse or be sensibly entertained... Most of the 'residents' seem to do nothing all day... because they can do nothing I think.. Most homes here in France seem to average 30-50 residents. The best ones seem to split the accommodation into small groups of bedrooms with a small central area per group. I would love to think that they, the management, try to group similar stage AD in each area but somehow I suspect its just luck....

When I was saying to one manageress that I felt the other residents were further advanced and much to old for Monique to 'fit in' well.. She smiled and said almost all 'family members' think that their 'patient' is less advanced than all the rest when in reality... I suppose we recognise more things in the person we are looking after...

Certainly in the best home I visited, with around 50 residents there was a small group of ladies who were clearly not too advanced sitting round chatting to each other and not displaying any 'odd' symptoms. At the same time there was a small group with a 'aide soignant' or more highly qualified person, playing some sort of scrabble and there was a full time 'entertainer' Bruno, who organised 'entertaining' things... in the same home at the other end of the scale there were lots looking blank, on their backs in bed snoring, or wandering around alone on some personal AD mission to nothing.

The last care homes I visited in the UKm was when I took my father into care, 20 odd years ago... by comparison they were primitive and horrid with dreadful facilities. On the other hand they seemed to have a smaller family type mix together with the constant smell of urine.. Perhaps they have changed? Also purpose built facilities run by big organisations are not necessarily better at 'caring'.. It really all is a dreadful nightmare. I guess that is what this illness is - a dreadful nightmare.

 

[Lila13]

How can anyone make rules about it? Depends on distance, other commitments, the nature of the relationship, health of all parties involved, etc.

I know someone who visited her husband 3 times a day, because he wouldn't eat if she wasn't there, and I know someone who only visits her mother twice a year, because "she doesn't know who we are anyway". They each do what they think is right for them.

 

[rummy]

Hi Michael,
Long time since I posted here.

It does take time to adjust, for them and for you. After awhile it all becomes routine and you will take on a different kind of role as care taker. We don't have to worry about so many things now that we did when living at home. No wandering out in the middle of the night, eatting badly, getting hurt, being horrified, going unbathed or often soiling herself. Those things are addressed in the NH by loving and caring staff. Our visits now are cheerful and memorable. since we don't have to see to her basic needs, our time can be spent so having quality time. We play the piano, listen to music, go on walks, participate in activities at the home, parties, or just sitting and talking even if it is jibberish.

I hope in time you will have this too. Give it time. Advice I have is to know the staff and take time to talk to them. Take your concerns to administrators, know them by first name. Make a point to take Monique on walks throughout the home so that every staff member will see you and her together and make that connection. Know the government agency you need to make complaints to if that becomes neccesary.

Take care,
Debbie

 

[Brucie]

Hi Debbie

so nice to hear from you again - hope the bike is still well used....

just wanted to say how wise your words are

 

[rummy]

Well thanks Bruce, just a worn and trial tested vet of AD I'm afraid. ( like alot of you too !) So good to hear from you and yep, bike is still in action although I haven't riden as much lately because it has rained for a solid month here.

Hope all is well with you.

Love, Debbie

 

[SmogTheCat]

I visit grandmother twice a week. Since a couple of months I visited her more ofter because I've been working all day and nursing home is 30 minutes by car from home

 

[Michael E]

I drove to the North of France and found two homes, both belonging to same group/organisation that are probably as good as it gets.. I actually heard laughter and saw smiles, watched 'helpers' doing 'word' things with some and bouncing a ball round with others... Of course there were some 'out of it' and some waiting to die around, but the 'helpers' were all also cheerful, friendly, smiling.... a 'wonderful' couple of places --- They give you a key to the front door of the home that also operates the interior security doors and I am free to visit any time I want - without calling first.... When Monique becomes a resident....

Out of interest - the 3 homes I rated as excellent (well, as good as an AD home could hope to be) all said try not to visit at all for at least a week - give her a chance to settle, in which can take up to 3 months. The homes I rated least and could really not contemplate said visit every day.... I pass that on for what its worth... I notice that the poll is 50-50 split .... and of course different relationships and people living alone anyway but receiving visits at their home would also probably want to receive visits when they move.. So the solution probably changes with the exact situation.........

Thanks for all the posts to the thread.... so helpful as always..

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Michael,

I`m so pleased for both you and Monique that you have such encouraging news about the available care homes.

They sound everything you could wish for and I hope when the day comes it all goes well.

The initial visiting reccommendations from different homes is very interesting. The first home my mother was in, although wonderful on the suface, turned out to be dreadful, and I was told there was no need for a settling in period and I could visit whenevr I wanted.

Take care