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How often do you visit the care home?

Maisy76

Registered User
Mar 24, 2016
114
Maybe you don't need to have a set number of days per week...some weeks you might visit more, others less. Just do what feels right at the time and be true to yourself ie consider how you're feeling at the time. If you have more time and energy one day say, "oh I think I'll drive over and see mum", or if you're feeling particularly tired and want a rest say, "I think I'll give it a miss today and read my book in bed instead". It is about keeping yourself well and two of the best ways you can do this is by accepting you are doing what you can and by not feeling guilty if you know you need to have a rest or meet a friend for coffee or do whatever it is you would like to do for yourself if you're a bit run down instead of forcing a visit when you really don't feel like it. Either way, it is okay. Your mum, if she were in her right mind, would want you to feel happy and that you are visiting her because and when you want to rather than when you would really rather not due to fatigue.
 

theunknown

Registered User
Apr 17, 2015
411
I think the trouble with this type of observation is that there'll always be those who feel guilty that they're doing the wrong thing. You may feel bad that you're only visiting the person who has dementia once or twice a week. Others may feel bad because, previously, they never had a relationship with that person, and now they don't know how to act.

Others may have had a very difficult relationship with the family member that they're trying to help. Why would you suddenly have a genuine connection to someone that you never really knew?
 

TrixieB

Registered User
Jul 2, 2015
20
I agree that you should only visit when you want to without feeling guilty. She is in a safe place and will be well looked after. You could also check with the staff how her mood is after you visit - is she upset that you've gone or is she quite happy? I often check with them to gauge if/ when a visit is desirable but I'm only 15 minutes away and can change my daily routine quite easily. Let her settle in then just see what suits you all. She might even be happy with just once a week if there are plenty of other activities and people to talk to.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
Co.Sligo, Ireland
My mum doesn't want me to leave, when I visit her in care home

My 86 year old mum has been in a care home for 15 months. At the beginning she kept asking about going home, but thankfully she's settled there & doesn't mention it anymore. I visit her 3 times a week & my daughter goes in at weekends. Last year she had 3 chest infections & after antibiotics & steroids, she was well again. 4 weeks ago she slipped on her bedroom floor in the nursing home. One of the nurses rang to tell me & said they had called the Dr out & put her to bed. Thankfully, she recovered from that too. She'd had a cough for several weeks, then 2 days after falling, got another chest infection, which she is over now.

I discovered she has been refusing to get out of bed in the mornings & telling some of the staff to go away. I spoke to the head nurse last week & she said she now refuses to get up for all the staff & I know she can be rude too. She even told the head nurse she was going to report her. I know the alzheimers changes the person, but she used to be rude at times, before getting it.

For a few months now, she has gone child like, which I know is a symptom. If I give her chocolate, she gets very excited. But the hardest thing is, when I say I need to leave, she keeps saying don't go & I don't want you to leave. I stay an hour or more some days & sadly it's hard to have any conversation with her. Today, I said goodbye to her in her room, as it was near her tea time. She seemed to accept I had to go, then I left her room. I got to the reception to sign out & she had followed me & stood beside me. I explained again that I had to go, to cook dinner. Again, she said, I don't want you to go. I said, you stay there with the girl on reception & I'll wave to you from the door, which I did. Other days I walk her to the dining room for her tea & say goodbye. Then a few minutes later, she's followed me to the reception again. I don't know how to deal with it, if anyone has any suggestions.
 
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Anongirl

Registered User
Aug 8, 2012
2,668
I visit my mum once a week at the weekend. Occasionally I'll go twice a week.

I used to beat myself up terribly about how often I visit but it's got a tiny bit easier over the years.

We can't have a conversation anymore but she does realise it's me.

My friend visits his mum once a month.

To be honest I would say just go with whatever you are comfortable with and don't let guilt or what anyone thinks influence you xx
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,784
England
My 86 year old mum has been in a care home for 15 months. At the beginning she kept asking about going home, but thankfully she's settled there & doesn't mention it anymore. I visit her 3 times a week & my daughter goes in at weekends. Last year she had 3 chest infections & after antibiotics & steroids, she was well again. 4 weeks ago she slipped on her bedroom floor in the nursing home. One of the nurses rang to tell me & said they had called the Dr out & put her to bed. Thankfully, she recovered from that too. She'd had a cough for several weeks, then 2 days after falling, got another chest infection, which she is over now.

I discovered she has been refusing to get out of bed in the mornings & telling some of the staff to go away. I spoke to the head nurse last week & she said she now refuses to get up for all the staff & I know she can be rude too. She even told the head nurse she was going to report her. I know the alzheimers changes the person, but she used to be rude at times, before getting it.

For a few months now, she has gone child like, which I know is a symptom. If I give her chocolate, she gets very excited. But the hardest thing is, when I say I need to leave, she keeps saying don't go & I don't want you to leave. I stay an hour or more some days & sadly it's hard to have any conversation with her. Today, I said goodbye to her in her room, as it was near her tea time. She seemed to accept I had to go, then I left her room. I got to the reception to sign out & she had followed me & stood beside me. I explained again that I had to go, to cook dinner. Again, she said, I don't want you to go. I said, you stay there with the girl on reception & I'll wave to you from the door, which I did. Other days I walk her to the dining room for her tea & say goodbye. Then a few minutes later, she's followed me to the reception again. I don't know how to deal with it, if anyone has any suggestions.

Have you tried saying you are just popping to the toilet, or you must just go to the shops to get some milk before they close and you will be back later? Without the actual word goodbye being mentioned your Mum may stay where she is. It will all depend on her memory span.

When my husband first went into nursing care I could go to the toilet and return to him. And he would greet me as if I had not been for months.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Some people need visiting more than others, my mum even in rehab couldn't cope at all without seeing us each day and we pandered to her lol. Exhausting but I didn't feel guilty so i guess it is swings and roundabouts. I also think that as long as you are visiting regularly and monitoring they quality of care (often just by your presence) then it has to be an individual decision. Noone outside can judge your family relationships. I know people who visit twice a day and some people who never go!
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,989
West Hertfordshire
I used to go everyday- Mum was transferred from hosp to care home. I'd visited hospital everyday and continued to do same at nursing home, although it was hard work.

Mum used to say that she'd not seen me for week and eeks and she was worried something had happened....at this point I cut down to every other day, as she still said she's not seen me for weeks , even when I went twice a day sometimes.

I figured that it didn't make much difference to her, and improved my llife, although I did feel guilty on the days I didn't visit
 

skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
107
Ramsgate
My mother is still "maintained" (as SS puts it) in her own home. I usually visit once per week when I do her shopping/housework (or more often if the carers' office ring me to tell me that she's locked them out, as they seem to do at least twice a week). She's only six miles away but I don't have any transport of my own, and on public transport is quite lengthy, unless I get a taxi, which is expensive.

When my best friend's mum went into a home when her dementia became too advanced (my best friend was the ONLY member of her family to do ANYTHING for her mum and also had her dad to care for - he never had dementia but had a serious heart condition) and my best friend visited her every single day, rain or shine. She'd bike up to the home and on extremely rare occasions when her sister visited got a lift with the sister and brother in law).

I don't think I could handle visiting my mother daily, I try to engage her in conversation when I'm at her house, but she just falls asleep.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Have you tried saying you are just popping to the toilet, or you must just go to the shops to get some milk before they close and you will be back later? Without the actual word goodbye being mentioned your Mum may stay where she is. It will all depend on her memory span.

When my husband first went into nursing care I could go to the toilet and return to him. And he would greet me as if I had not been for months.


I haven' t tried that, when I say I'm leaving I do say I'll see you later. I'd almost feel guilty saying I was popping to the toilet & not go back to my mum. But on the other hand, it might be the right thing to do, as her memory has got so bad. My husband & myself called into my mum this morn & I told her that one of her grandson's had just had their 1st baby yest.

I've been telling her the last week that their new baby was due, but it didn't register. They have even called him after my mum's husband. She said, that's nice, but again it didn't register.

My daughter, husband & their 2 young children called in to her this aftn. My daughter said, you had visitors this morn, meaning us. Said, she hadn't any visitors. She mentioned the new baby to my mum, was like she heard it for the 1st time. Getting back to your suggestion, of saying Im going to the toilet or popping out, I will definitely try that tomorrow.
 

Emac

Registered User
Mar 2, 2013
186
My 86 year old mum has been in a care home for 15 months. At the beginning she kept asking about going home, but thankfully she's settled there & doesn't mention it anymore. I visit her 3 times a week & my daughter goes in at weekends. Last year she had 3 chest infections & after antibiotics & steroids, she was well again. 4 weeks ago she slipped on her bedroom floor in the nursing home. One of the nurses rang to tell me & said they had called the Dr out & put her to bed. Thankfully, she recovered from that too. She'd had a cough for several weeks, then 2 days after falling, got another chest infection, which she is over now.

I discovered she has been refusing to get out of bed in the mornings & telling some of the staff to go away. I spoke to the head nurse last week & she said she now refuses to get up for all the staff & I know she can be rude too. She even told the head nurse she was going to report her. I know the alzheimers changes the person, but she used to be rude at times, before getting it.

For a few months now, she has gone child like, which I know is a symptom. If I give her chocolate, she gets very excited. But the hardest thing is, when I say I need to leave, she keeps saying don't go & I don't want you to leave. I stay an hour or more some days & sadly it's hard to have any conversation with her. Today, I said goodbye to her in her room, as it was near her tea time. She seemed to accept I had to go, then I left her room. I got to the reception to sign out & she had followed me & stood beside me. I explained again that I had to go, to cook dinner. Again, she said, I don't want you to go. I said, you stay there with the girl on reception & I'll wave to you from the door, which I did. Other days I walk her to the dining room for her tea & say goodbye. Then a few minutes later, she's followed me to the reception again. I don't know how to deal with it, if anyone has any suggestions.
Don't say good bye...just tell her you need the loo or to speak to a manager and slip away quietly. I have to do that with my Mum. Sometimes if she is clinging to me I ask if she minds if I go now as I have to make my husbands te/go back to work/go to the doctors etc and I will see her tomorrow. Usually that works too.

I also feel guilty about not saying goodbye, but this about ending the visit in a wy that causes you and your Mum least distress - and that's a good thing! Good luck xxx
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Don't say good bye...just tell her you need the loo or to speak to a manager and slip away quietly. I have to do that with my Mum. Sometimes if she is clinging to me I ask if she minds if I go now as I have to make my husbands te/go back to work/go to the doctors etc and I will see her tomorrow. Usually that works too.

I also feel guilty about not saying goodbye, but this about ending the visit in a wy that causes you and your Mum least distress - and that's a good thing! Good luck xxx


Thank you, Emac. I am going to try that tomorrow. I look after a families 3 young children one day a week. Tomorrow, I'll visit my mum around 11 am & then I've to collect the 5 yr old from playschool before half past 12. So I'll have to leave the nursing home a good bit before that. I hope I'm able to leave my mum, without the usual stress.

I try to visit my mum 3 days a week, look after the 3 children once a week & I help my daughter with her young children. They are 2 & 6 & she also looks after 3 other children from her home. I help her with them, when she has a hospital app or needs a break.

I have an immune condition which can affect most parts of the body, so I also have hospital apps myself. I sometimes feel guilty that I can't always deal with my mum's alzheimers. I am the only sibling near her, but my daughter is very good & visits my mum at weekends, when she is able to.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
Co.Sligo, Ireland
Don't say good bye...just tell her you need the loo or to speak to a manager and slip away quietly. I have to do that with my Mum. Sometimes if she is clinging to me I ask if she minds if I go now as I have to make my husbands te/go back to work/go to the doctors etc and I will see her tomorrow. Usually that works too.

I also feel guilty about not saying goodbye, but this about ending the visit in a wy that causes you and your Mum least distress - and that's a good thing! Good luck xxx



I went to visit my mum today & they were all in the day room, doing exercises from their chairs. I waited until the class was finished & asked the main carer if I could take my mum into her bedroom, as she was wearing the same clothes for the last wk. We went into her room & I got clean clothes out from her wardrobe & helped her get changed.

I talked to my mum for a while & reminded her that one of her grandson's & their wife had just had their 1st baby. My mum then said to me, are you having any more babies. She has constantly asked me the same question, the last few wks. At the beginning I thought she was joking, so I replied, Mum, I'm 62 years old & had a hysterectomy, many years ago. I realise now, she is serious when she says it, having said it again today. I just feel its so sad that she must think I'm still a young girl, especially as she keeps referring to me as her baby, to the staff.

I had been with my mum for over an hour & needed to leave, so I tried your suggestion, Emac. I took her back to the day room & told her to sit in the nearby empty chair, as it was soon their dinner time & that I needed to go to the toilet & would see her later. Straight away, she said, are you coming back. I found it so hard to lie & say yes, I would be. So I said, I might be & with that she stood there with her hands to her mouth & said, dont go, I don't want you to leave.

Again, I couldnt then just walk away, so I called her over & said, Mum, on sunday, I took you to the dining room & you just went in. I knew she wouldn't remember that, but just hoped she'd accept it. Then a carer came over & asked my mum to go with her & winked at me. I was grateful that she was trying to help the situation, but my mum was still standing there & said, we haven't said, goodbye, but of course we had.
Again, it was a hard situation & took me longer to leave.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,773
Yorkshire
hi Mother goose
I find the modern 'see you later' or 'see you in a bit' or something vague is useful - it's not final and the later can be .... whenever
oops just reread and that's what you said
maybe just do the 'I'll just nip to loo' without the see you later?
it's not simple - I'm afraid I've developed a thicker skin over the last year and do a lot of 'just popping to the shops' - if I think dad will be unsettled I just warn one of the carers and leave as best I can - as the carer gave you the wink, she will have distracted your mum
 
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Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
Co.Sligo, Ireland
hi Mother goose
I find the modern 'see you later' or 'see you in a bit' or something vague is useful - it's not final and the later can be .... whenever
oops just reread and that's what you said
maybe just do the 'I'll just nip to loo' without the see you later?
it's not simple - I'm afraid I've developed a thicker skin over the last year and do a lot of 'just popping to the shops' - if I think dad will be unsettled I just warn one of the carers and leave as best I can - as the carer gave you the wink, she will have distracted your mum

One of my visits to my mum last week, went ok. As I explained to her that it was time for her dinner & she went off quite happily to the dining room & I was able to leave with no problem. There were no other people around, at that time.

I went in yest & most of the residents were playing bingo in the day room, my mum included & she kept wanting to hug me. When i was growing up, I never experienced anything like that, so I just find it so hard to deal with now. Does anyone else feel the same?

I was invited in by the carers & given a chair beside my mum & the bingo continued. When the 2nd game finished, the less able residents were wheeled or helped to the dining room for tea. When my mum was hugging me earlier, I could smell urine off her clothes, so I suggested to her that we go to her bedroom. I wanted to see if she needed clean clothes & underwear. The nursing home staff are amazing, hard workers & lovely people, but as they have 60 residents to care for, I don't expect them to be checking my mum frequently.

When we went to her room I got her clean clothes & said, maybe we'll change the clothes you're wearing. With that, she went to the bathroom & actually had wet her underwear & then as she was in the bathroom she wet her trousers. So I helped her clean up & change her underwear etc. I just feel so sad, that my mum at 86 yrs old & I'm there helping her put on her clean knickers & getting her dressed.

I then said it was time for her tea & started to walk down the corridor with her. As we got nearer, other residents & carers where going to the dining too. I said to my mum, you go down with Siobhan, (she's one of the lovely carers). My mum said as before, don't go, I don't want you to leave. Siobhan said, its ok, we'll look after you. I could hear my mum saying, I don't want her to go. What I've noticed is, that if there is no one around, my, mum goes off quite happily, when there's people around it's almost as like she makes a scene & that I find so hard to deal with. There are other residents there with alzheimers & i've never seen any of them, react in the same way, when their family leave.
 

josephinewilson

Registered User
May 19, 2015
112
Lancashire
I've just found this thread - my mum has been in a home for a month now and she is happy - has forgotten her previous life but still gets clingy when I am about to go. It worried me the first time but now I try to visit when it is an hour before lunchtime so when it is time for me to go, they are setting the table and I can seat her with others and say I'm just popping out while you are having lunch and will be back in a bit - and the carers then distract her while I make a dash for it :) It upset me initially because I could hear her cries of distress but I am convinced (just like our todders at nursery) that by the time I have got to the main entrance, she has forgotten the visit.

As an aside - it's funny, because she constantly tells me how nice it is and how lovely the carers are; she has no recollection of where she used to live before - so why does she get clingy with me when I go? I guess we shouldn't try to second guess too much what is going on in their minds because it isn't rational as ours are (mainly)
 

Jc6959

New member
Dec 29, 2019
1
Hi. My mum has been in a care home since feb 2019. I visit everyday during the week for 45 min after work and twice a day at weekends. I’m luckily as I live 10 mins from the home. My Dad visits every day in the afternoon. I wonder if it’s too much for my mum and we should let her get used to not seeing us every day.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,205
cornwall
My mother in law was transferred to a care home 3 days ago. So far we've been to visit her every day - as we used to when she was living at home on her own.

Is it normal to visit every day or do most people go just a few times a week or at weekends? We both work full time so I can't say the daily visits haven't been a bind!
I visited once a week.
 

Maytree

Registered User
Dec 28, 2019
15
Hi. My mum has been in a care home since feb 2019. I visit everyday during the week for 45 min after work and twice a day at weekends. I’m luckily as I live 10 mins from the home. My Dad visits every day in the afternoon. I wonder if it’s too much for my mum and we should let her get used to not seeing us every day.
I think you go with how you feel,and how your mum is,I'm sure she enjoys the visits, been local is a huge help, my dad is in a home 62 miles from me,I go at least once a week,and I usually stay all day, have lunch with him, it is a lovely home and he is well cared for, He is starting to ask for me to get him out of there and that he could come and live with me,he is bed bound now and hoist dependent,doubly incontinent,but he says he will be no problem,I said I would have to give up work to look after him,you wouldn't he says I can manage,heartbreaking cos he does not comprehend how he is.He is now forgetting he has eaten which is causing a few problems,he still at present knows me, I'm thinking of trying to move him closer to me,which would make visiting easier,