How much can you actual do/influence parents to get support

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by nutpea, Jan 10, 2018.

  1. nutpea

    nutpea Registered User

    Nov 4, 2016
    My parents live in a quiet cul de sac in a remote village with no transport links. Dad (age 81) has mid stage dementia and mum is his main carer. Dad does not want to leave the house and neither does he want mum to. We sit with dad whilst one takes mum shopping for time out once a week but he frets and wants her to get back as quick as possible. He began hallucinating before Christmas and it really distressed him. He was put on some anti psychosis drugs but he does appear to be a lot more snappy and mean despite it helping with hallucinations. My mum is getting very depressed, and despite telling dad how she feels he immediately forgets and goes back to being snappy with her. She feels in prison, he feels in prison. We cannot get them to pay for any care, we cannot get them to agree to respite or any help other than me and my sibling. They dont realise that this putting pressure on us too as we have families of our own as well as working full time. Aside from taking dad to GP for another referral to mental health services and a review of his meds, what else can we really do?? We feel totally helpless but if they wont accept help what can we do. It's awful as we feel we should be doing something but we are at a loss as to what we can possibly do!! Anyone else in this situation? How do you cope?
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Short answer from me, it just is not possible until there is a crisis. Can I ask, what has happened to all their friends? Is there no one in that group willing to sit with your father or even take him out to pub, club etc. Would give your mother a break.

    In some cases with a dementia sufferer, they are usually at their best in the mornings and easier to leave with someone.
  3. la lucia

    la lucia Registered User

    Jul 3, 2011
    This sounds exactly like my late father..

    What can you do? With your mum I suggest a little creative coercion maybe along the lines of - if she doesn't accept help she'll have social services on her case or some such.

    With your father I wouldn't say anything until something like daycare is in place and then arrange transport to take him, call it an activities centre for pensioners or whatever and spring it on him 5 minutes before the transport arrives. If he protests tell him a fib such as your mother has a women's clinic appointment and men aren't allowed.

    If you do nothing then just like my mother, she'll be left alone to cope. My mother broke her leg at 90 and two weeks later the hospital discharged my very difficult father back to her care. If your parents are like my parents then there won't be a 'public' crisis to trigger any response from authorities.

    It may take a bit of firm 'creativity' but I reckon work on your mother first. And if you get a result with her... Convince her not to give your father any advance warning.

    It's tough but I think the only way to head off grief is to get creatively bossy.

    Very, very, best of luck with it I've been there and I know how difficult it is.
  4. nutpea

    nutpea Registered User

    Nov 4, 2016
    Thankyou that is truly great advice x
  5. nutpea

    nutpea Registered User

    Nov 4, 2016
    Thankyou. They never really had many friends and those left are off the scene.
  6. Lancashirelady

    Lancashirelady Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    My dad flatly refused support, abetted by the wet behind the ears social worker who kept bleating on about how it was his choice to have carers or not. I'm afraid I got quite stroppy with him and told him it was going to happen, at which point he gave in quite meekly. I know a couple of other people who have been in the same situation and have faced down their aged parent, who in the long run I think accept that you are doing it to help them, just pride getting in the way.
  7. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    Chard, Somerset
    As you rightly say, you have your own families to look after and they should be your priority. I'm afraid being assertive is probably the only way you will get them to accept help. Maybe start with someone coming in - many have posted on here before about fibs like the government are trialling something with older people and they are part of some research looking at what sort of assistance people need; there's a new scheme for spending some time at a club and your dad has been chosen to be part of it - then just take him to day care (and leave it to the professionals, they will handle him with care and may be able to stabilise his moods if he has something other than your mother to moan at (sorry, harsh words, I know).
    In a sense, they are no longer your parents and so no longer 'in charge' of you, you are 'in charge' of them. Your mum needs help not just your dad and there is probably no merit in her keep telling him how she feels if he can no longer assimilate or remember.

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