You have been given an very tough load having two parents with dementia and I totally agree with your comment that it’s like having a toddler or a baby only in an adults body...and their needs are very similar. However even within your current circumstances I think you do need to consider your own wellbeing in the mix..difficult though that is. That could be in little things such as taking an hour or two to yourself rather than dealing with your Mums bills or correspondence right away or larger ones such as considering whether your life might be made easier and the load more manageable if your Mum was also in a care home. Managing a care package from a distance must be incredibly stressful. Managing the care home is of course also necessary but perhaps better than worrying about your Mum being at home alone?
However you sound like a very strong competent woman and you don’t have to justify anything. Perhaps you have already considered other options and have good reasons not to look at residential care for Mum right now. We all have to do what we think is right and you are doing an exceptional job!
I just know that it’s easy to feel that there are no other options and to think your own needs don’t matter and only the PWD’S needs count. I like to challenge that wherever I see it. I have watched my sister make herself physically ill through doing too much for our Mum and Dad and came close to a major bout of depression myself so I worry when I read about carers giving up more and more of themselves...without questioning it or considering alternatives that take their own needs into consideration which is something we all need to do if we are to sustain caring in the long term.
There’s something about feeling as though you have made a choice to do something though that makes a difference and it sounds like you have done that and are comfortable with the choices you have made so don’t allow anything I or anyone else posts to make you doubt that! My intention was to help not to hinder.
Wishing you the strength to always do what you think is right.
Emac
oh bless you, I’m a total mess at the moment - other life issues have popped up & I’d normally cope but as the saying goes it’s a bit like the straw that broke the camels back!!
a good night sleep- only woke at 2 am !
Totally agree with you that a Care home at some point might be the only option for
Mum. She recently went into a respite care situation Mum wanted to visit Dad & I couldn’t manage her needs in our house - stairs etc. Mums type of dementia means she can come across as high functioning, but is a high falls risk, gets exhausted by the simplest of daily life- ie getting out of bed & becomes extremely confused with exhaustion. So a Care home meant she was well looked after but above the other residents intellectually. Now she’s on memantine her behaviour issues have been resolved to a certain degree that’s now manageable. Mum has carers in 4 times a day & I actually no longer have the worries I had about all aspects of her care. The GP is going to be a pain, but I can get another GP out if required - the reception staff are excellent & aware of the issues. It does help growing up & knowing a lot of them!
As Dads at the end of his life now all I can do is be around for him & provide the comfort of being held. How long it takes the body in this final stage is totally unknown - how long is a piece of string. Dad becomes easily dehydrated & his lower lip swells regularly. The care home are giving him protein drinks, bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted as Dad has lost 6 kg in a month.
So Dads lovely new GP has put him on stronger morphine patches & the liquid oromorph to back it up.
Getting the home to admit what the medical professionals have stated is no longer my concern - an Enquiry by safeguarding is underway. The lovely SW doing this has found Dad as we describe, so I’m no longer fighting the system alone I’m actually standing with others with Dads best interests at heart.
It’s always good to have a balanced view & I appreciate those that give that; it’s not an easy position or popular at times & certainly brings out the defensive in those the advice is meant to help. ( Hands up - that’s me!!) But I totally appreciate your input- you say the same as my own husband & children, & others. This is a no win situation though & I have to be able to live with myself afterwards ... I’m adopted you see & 18 months ago my biological mum passed away. We had known each other for over 20 years but her own family were not as welcoming shall we say - in particular her husband was off at times. So I found myself cut from that family support & grieving on my own. I don’t want to have the regrets I had with my beloved biological Mum so I guess I’m overcompensating!
I’m going to go on a bike ride with my husband today ! Actually it’s going to be a lot shorter than he expects - I haven’t ridden a bike since I backpacked our hefty fell terrier after she decided that she’d had enough ! That’s over 10 years ago!!
so thank you for playing devils advocate - it’s a necessary role but not always a popular one
(((((Hugs)))))))