How long till he forgets?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by optocarol, Jan 23, 2016.

  1. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Auckland, New Zealand
    OH went into dementia unit on Tuesday; yes I know that's not long. I went just before tea thinking that'd good, but all I got was over and over about coming home. (He does know where it is.) Plus, am I using "his" car, am I staying in his house (he paid for it), if I can''t look after him (I said doctor said so) then I can go wherever I like and he can come back. He can look after himself - NOT!

    Anyone with more experience have any thoughts about how long it might be till he forgets all this?
  2. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    Oh dear - I do feel for you. I had the exact same problem with my husband. Apparently all the things we had worked hard for together were his and his alone:(

    I don't have this issue any longer now that he is care, apart from the occasional request to go 'home'.
    I can only wish you all the very best of wishes in your journey.

    H U G S to you :)
  3. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    I can't offer any advice I'm afraid. Have you asked the staff how he is when you're not there, is he still agitated, or is it just seeing you that triggers this? My husband occasionally says he wants to go home but I know he is thinking of somewhere from his childhood. I do feel for you and hope he settles down soon so you can feel comfortable visiting him. xxxxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  4. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello octocarol, my Hubby is in a CH, everyday he wants to come home with me,, they never forget, some of the residents have been there for up to 6yrs they are always wanting to go home. It is very sad, but l know l can not look after my hubby anymore, so there is no other alternative, some days are good, some are bad, Don't let your heart rule your head.
  5. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    I can only go on my experience but this all his thing started with OH aboutc8 months ago. Forget the fact we have been married 27 years and I have always worked in a well paid job . He is 13 years older than me and went back to what he had before we met so it is all his. It has stopped now, he does not even mention money but likes to have his wallett. He has £10.00 in it at all times but does like to give people money.
  6. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    Alas the answer is the same as how long is a piece of string. John used to constantly ask me, then he just stopped asking, But other residents would ask if I could take them home, and then, in the next breath, ask if their Mum was collecting them from school.
  7. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    My husband has been in care for 18 months and still says "when are we going home" - especially later in the day, but he said that continuously for the last few months he was at home, getting more and more agitated. If I can distract him enough and leave at a good moment I manage to get out before he starts saying it. He doesnt say it to the staff, although he does try and open doors. I trigger the "going home" syndrome - but I know its his childhood home he is thinking of, as he also says he has to see his mum and dad.
    It is so distressing, and just worsens the guilt feeling as he is a secure building with only a little bedroom to call his own, and he came from a lovely house in a little village in lovely countryside.
    The care home is very nice (he thinks he built it as he was a builder) and he often says how nice it is there, but that doesnt stop him in the next breath saying he doesnt like being there with all those people and wants to go home :( I take him out to the theatre or a pub or a walk with the dog when I can.

    I actually took him home just before Christmas for the evening and night, as his son and grandson were staying for the night and his granddaughters were coming over as well, and we had a lovely evening - he seemed to recognise the house - but he wouldnt go to bed or even sleep in a chair and I had to stay awake with him all night in the kitchen with him occasionally saying he had to go home, and me saying yes we will when it gets light.

    They dont ever forget "home" as the home in their head is somewhere way in the past with their mum and dad where they were safe and secure,and thats where they want to be to escape from the terrible fear and confusion that they have to live with now
  8. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    Going home seems to be part of the condition and is awful. T lives with me and frequently wants to go home. He is having respite this week and talks about going home every day. No use in reasoning about it. I go with the flow and try to distract him. This does not always work. Sometimes I take him for a drive in the middle of the night!! It can go on for years.

    Try not to worry about his car etc. this is also part of the disease.

    I hope you get some breaks for yourself. You need them to recharge your batteries.

    Everyone is different and minutes of every day are different.

    Keep posting and we will give you lots of support.

    Aisling ( Ireland)
  9. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    I can identify exactly with how you feel. My husband went into care in November and has settled down in many respects except he cries to come home, every day for the past two weeks he has done this. It's very distressing to leave him when he says he hates it there and all the others are handicapped in one way or another. I know my heart tells me I want him back at home but my head tells me I can't have the man I love back the way he was because of this awful condition which won't get better.
    You will get very low patches but at these times you just have to concentrate on something else and remember your husband the way he was and know in your heart he wouldn't want you to be upset, he would tell you to get on with your life.
    Sending very best wishes. X
  10. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Sorry not to have replied sooner and I do appreciate all your replies. We went out on Monday for a drive and all good. He followed me inside no trouble. The staff say he's doing OK.

    However, if you saw my stepchildren thread, you'll be aware they (1 mainly) is still being nasty. I have said for her to contact me via my daughter, but I also asked my lawyer to write and he writes very good letters. The response was, to quote my daughter, "poisonous". I've had enough of this person who had him for barely 2 days 2 years ago and was happy for me to take him back.

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