How has it come to this?

[Taffy]

I just can''t battle any more, on top of the stress of looking after mum...

Dear Candy, your brother is unbelievable if he were to worry about anything it should be his mum's well being not her financial assets. It's so unfair that he has brought this burden on you and I can well understand your distress. Do you have to comply with the request from the Guardianship Office?. I never ever kept records on what was spent on mum prior to going into care but I do keep records of all the care home payments. The only reason being in case they query a payment wasn't made.

Somehow, I hope all this is sorted without to much trauma to you.

Caring Thoughts, Taffy.

 

[candymostdandy@]

what a night

Well I must got to sleep eventually, I was logged in at 0207 tossed and turned for what seemed forever, and have just woken up with tears rolling down my face.

Its just so weird not having mum here and not having to be sorting her out.

Normally she would be shouting my name by now, god only knows whats happenig to her at my brothers house.



Unfortunately my brother has opened a can of worms, because now I have no option but to question the £60,000 to £80.000 spent on an extion for mum which they have used solely for themselves for since January 2006, after mum being there only 18 months.

Also a cheque that was drawn of about £6000 at the beginning of July 2005, coincidentally my brother's family of 6 "took" mum to Australia, anda further withdrawal of £4000 cash two days before they left.

But for me it was never about the money, me and my family took mum in because my brother would turn up saying "my marriage is breaking up with the pressure of looking after mum, mum is agressive",

well she hasnt broken my marriage,

Well I have no option now but to pass all of mum's affais to the court of protection and I will let them administer mums money, I will not under any circumstances let him take over....

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Candy

Your posts made me feel so sad, I only wish I could give you more than sympathy. My heart goes out to you.

LOve xx

 

[zonkjonk]

"Well I have no option now but to pass all of mum's affais to the court of protection and I will let them administer mums money, I will not under any circumstances let him take over...."

Candy, this is the only and best decision you can make to take the pressure off.
you will have no problem justifying your expenses (just compare them to what nursing home fees would be for that period of time)

my brother at one point of time was "taking advantage" of mums financial vulnerability, but like you I chose to ignore it for some time (for mums sake)
If my brother had not been living behind mum (semi detached unit) she would have needed to go into a nursing home much sooner than she did.
(he was less than adequate as a "carer")
so I chose to ignore the hundreds of dollars,many times, drawn out of her account by him, rationalising that him doing that was cheaper than a nursing home
fortunately, mum still had enough money to self fund in a top quality NH (if there is such a thing)
your situation is of course, much more serious, but handing over to the court of protection is the best move you can make, because they will after all, look after mums finances in her best interest, which is what you are doing anyway.
kind regards,
Jo

 

[Louise.D]

So she's living with your brother at the moment, but was living with you up untill you had the letter from the court of protection?

The Court of Protection is within it's rights to ask you to justify what you have done with your parents money. Both my brother and myself keep a strict record so when we are asked it's all in order and ready to hand over.

If you do hand over your mums finances to the Court and you have her back to live with you. You will probably find that the Court of Protection will be very generous and will provide you with a larger allowance for looking after your mum than you would ever of allowed yourself. They agreed to pay me £650.00 per week.

You obviously have nothing to hide, as you not been fleecing your mother so why are you worried? You have given up your life to care for her and you should be compensated. I'd say that your brother's the one that's going to be in the dooh dah and not you. He's also going to look like a complete twit if you can produce accounts.

Oh and by the way, his extension and any improvements to his house that she's paid for will be taken in to account for financial assessment. If he had it built with no intention of her living there then that's financial deprevation.

I tried to look after my mum, I tried to build her own accomadation. My solicitor spent many hours talking to the Court and local authorities and to arrange it properly is very, very difficult. I would of ended up with a charge against my property for care home fees.

Let your mum stay with your brother over Christmas, he might appreciate you a bit better and you can have a break.

I'm sure it will all work out probably for the better for you and your mum.

 

[Margaret W]

I don't really understand all of this. I just see a caring child trying to do their best for their parent, while battling with a seemingly uncaring sibling.

I feel for the caring child, and thank God that I have so siblings, and can just do it all myself. My mum is now in the best place, I reckon I have dipped into her own finances by about £50 to buy her some new clothes, and just want to see her happy and cared for, for the rest of her life. I feel so sorry for anyone else trying to do the same for their mum and getting resistance.

Good luck to you my friend. Stay strong, beat the gremlins.

Much love

Margaret

 

[candymostdandy@]

My daughter went over to by brother's house on Saturday to drop off more clothing for mumand basically gave her uncle a piece of her mind.

The cousins have got together and have decided to mediate.

Two of my nephews came over on Saturday evening, and basically I put them straight on a few things about the actions of myb rother and mostly his wife (their mum), they said that it was hard for them to hear, well three hours later I had got it off my chest.

They had already been to see a home for mum, because apparently she could only stay there for 2 nights.

Well to my knowledge she is still there as I don't know how theythought theywould get her into any place over xmas.

My daughter went and picked mum up yesterday and she came for lunch, part of me thanks God that she doesn't have a clue whats going on, and the other part ofme is angry that she doesn't know that her favourite son is doing this.

Whilst she was at my place her brother and my cousins phoned from Italy for her, she know who they were, she was talking about the old days. They are heartbroken about the situation. My uncle came over in August and saw all the sacrifises that me and my family are making for mum.

The most upsetting thing about all this that my mum doesn't deserve any of it.

Her only wish was to remain within the family, and when my brother wan't able to carry on, I took it over. Having effectively put my life on hold to see it thru, and for the past two years he has lived his life and have both worked without I moments thought as to how I was coping.

PS apparently the home they went to visit for mum said and I quote my nephews words "that they have never had anyone die there"

I just wonder what they do with them!!!!

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Candy,

Other people on here will have better advice than me. I have no siblings, nobody else interfering in my decisions, and at times that is hard for me having to do it all myself, but certainly better than having other people with conflicting, greedy, and uncaring motives. I don't understand their mentality. Do they not have consciences?

Can you get somewhere for your mum to go for a spell of respite care? You choose it. While she is there, contact the Court of Protection to see exactly what the score is. I can't believe they haven't experienced this kind of thing before, where one sibling uses a parent's money to suit himself. The will surely want evidence from him of his intention in spending the money.

You can't do it all on your own, not with this aggro from him.

Having no siblings I find it difficult to advise. Just to give a parallel story, my daughter's boyfriend's mother has had motor neurone disease for 15 years. She is now virtually paralysed (including her swallowing capability), her husband cares for her 100% at home. Living at home are two sons and a daughter and they do - nothing. My daughter's boyfriend has only just discovered the lack of help they give - he has been cooking his dad meals to eat during the week to make sure he eats properly. He went on Christmas Day and did the whole works (never done it before) and his siblings did nothing to help him. He asked if they could please cook one family meal a week each to ensure that dad gets a decent meal. Answer "No, why should we bother?".

Someone with siblings will have to answer this better than I can, but my heart goes out to you. Let us know how you go on, you sound at the end of your tether.

Love

Margaret