1. candymostdandy@

    candymostdandy@ Registered User

    May 12, 2006
    81
    west sussex
    4 years both my brother no 2 and I were givenpower of attorney by our parents.

    Brother no 2 spent somewhere between £60,000 and £80,000 on an extension, new kitchen, conversion of old kitchen to a study, and nocking walls down to allow for a piano for his kids.

    Apparently it would be best for mum and dad to live with him. I said that it wouldn't work but his words "my "wife" doesnt have a problem with mum".

    Well no mum had spent the previous 20 years at their beck and call loooking after their 4 kids, cooking and cleaning for them.

    But if it meant that mum and dad were being looked after I certainly was not going to put a stop to the money being spent.

    Dad died three years ago and never even moved into the extension.

    To cut a very sad long story short mum came to live with me and my family in January 2006, because my brother couldn't cope with mum as she was "agressive" towards my sister in law, well quite frankly by this point we were all feeling agressive towards my sister in law.

    Mum was taken into hospital to be assessed, diagnosis of at the time of mild/ moderate dementia with NO agression, or paranoia.

    Since mum has been with us, its not always been a bed of roses, and she has detieriorated greatly in the past three months to the point that now I have carers helping me in the morning and evening.

    Since mum moved in with me I have not once asked my brother for any help whatsoever, and all he has ever done is to have mum 1 afternoon a week whenit was convenient for him. In the past two months he has now stopped having mum over at all, and just calls in and sits with mum for a while and then goes.

    Whilst mum was at my brothers he had his name on mums accounts, and when she came to live with me we took my brothers name off and changed it to mine.

    Last weekend my husband and I managed to get away for our first respite break since mum moved in, I arranged for the carers to move in and they looked after mum at my home.

    On my return on Tuesday I received a call from mum's solicitor saying that my brother had beenin touch with him and said that mum was now not able to administer her own affairs so that his name should also be on her accounts.

    Well blow me down, he doesnt want to look after mum, Took £80,000 for an extension that mum lived in for approximately a year and now wants control of the money.

    Under no circumstances would I agree to joint control, I look after mum 24 hours a day for 7 days a week, and I have to go to him for money , I don't think, so I would rather the Court of Protection took over control than let him.

    Luckily brother no 1 who lives in Italy is on my side, so now a solicitors meeting is to be arranged.

    Then golden boy son no 2, has been into mum's bank, and told them that mum is now longer able to adminster he own affairs, and they have blocked the accounts.

    So when I went to get money to pay for carers I wan't able to.

    What a loving caring son he is...

    Where is the justice in all this.

    Would mum have given him POA had she known what he would do - well the answer is no. Because her golden boy also wanted to put her in a home which is 68 miles away....

    How I wish I was an only child.


    things had just settled down with mum after three stays in hospital in three months, and now I have to battle a brother whose only concern appears to be how much money he will get.

    I am spending money, rental of Hospital bed £800.00, for first years, carers am and pm, to wash dress mum and put her to bed, carers to take her out during the week, daycare .......and I also need to feed myself and my family,


    I wish he would go away......
     
  2. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hello candymostdandy

    I'm really sorry to read your post. Your brother clearly only has his own (and his wife's interests at heart), not yours and, it would appear, not your mums. How could anyone take the money he has for his own gain?

    You are right to want to block him having any more access. Isn't it amazing that when there is money involved, the worms come from under the stones?:mad:

    I hope you can get something sorted soon. I guess others on here might be able to offer more constructive advice, but just to let you know am thinking about you.
     
  3. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    As if dementia isn't enough to handle. I am so sorry to hear your story and it is sad that one member of a family can be so utterly selfish and greedy.

    Although it may take time I can see you have this brother on your side and I am sure when the solicitor gets involved things will become clearer. BUT you could do without the hassle.

    Not much more I can say but pleased you can rant about it here and get some of the feelings out of your system.

    Take care Beckyjan
     
  4. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    I'm sorry to read this too. My brother and I have just registered our parents' EPOAs with the Court of Protection and in the information provided it says that :

    "you have a duty to keep accounts of your dealings with the donor's affairs", and

    "the Court of Protection can require you to provide accounts of your dealings under the EPOA at any time".

    Hope this is useful although I'm sure the solicitor will get things sorted out.

    Good luck!
     
  5. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    its a crying shame

    hi candymostdandy.What has it come to when families are torn apart by money?its sad that your brother has got this thing in his mind that the money counts!i have 2 brothers who want to know whats going on with dad but don't offer any help at all.you keep doing what your doing,your mum is the only one you will ever have.love cherish and be grateful you have a conscience.keep it up parents are precious.love and best wishes elaine
     
  6. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    I can't tell you how much I sympathise with you. I have a brother with no conscience either. Fortunately he has no access to Mum's money unless he wheedles it out of her, and as I have POA, I keep a close eye on what goes where.

    I just HATE the fact that family members can do this, not only to the parent they "supposedly" love, but also to the sibling/s actually doing the caring. My deepest sympathy to you. May you get it sorted ASAP!!
     
  7. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    You have my symphathy.

    My brother is also a selfish person. If, I was not trying to be polite I would call him something else. (read my previous posts)

    It is a sad day when family put money and finances before the welfare of their parents.

    I hope you have EPOA, because that is the only way I could deter my brother.

    Even now, when they are in permanent care he is still causing trouble.

    Take Care

    Alfjess
     
  8. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    To Candy

    Phew, what a horrid situation you are in. Get a good solicitor and brief him or her well. I know what you mean when you say you wish you were an only child. I am an only child, and am just embarking on managing mum's money for care home purposes and on the one hand I wish I had some help from someone, but on the other hand I am glad I can do it all myself and know that it has been done well.

    Are you implying that your brother has spent money that belonged to your mother? What is the reference to the £60,000 and £80,000? Was that his own money? I am a bit confused. Or was it mum's money? In which case this is a serious situation, and you should take formal advice.

    Let us know how you go on, you won't be the only person in this situation (sadly).

    Good luck and much love

    Margaret
     
  9. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Mum's money

    Sorry, didn't absorb this at one. So you are saying that your brother used your mum's money to extend his house, and she is no longer living there, and you are looking after her with no support.

    Yes, Court of Protection must be involved.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  10. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Sadly this seems to be a common issue. My MIL had dementia. Her sister said I'll look after her, she can live with me. She had the best of the furniture, £8000 out of the savings account and then it was all too much for her and MIL went into a home.
    cris
     
  11. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hi, I do feel for you, what a terrible situation to have to be in, how some people sleep at night is beyond me, but, it appears they have no problem.What a miserable sod he is. Luckily, your mum has you to depend on. I hope that this is all sorted out real soon, and that, it all goes in your favour. Sorry that you have to go through this. Take care. Best Wishes. Taffy.
     
  12. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I have often wondered though what might happen in a situation where a persons assetts are used for something like building an extention and the arrangement genuinly doesnt work .
    This may not have happened in this case, but in my case my mother did campaign very hard to live with me and at the time I thought I was going to receive a generous redundancy package which would have enabled me to not work for 3 years without compromising my standard of living.
    The main barrier therefore was space as my house has two bedrooms only and I myself am already sleeping in the living room (We have a large kitchen diner so thats not as bad as it sounds)
    I did go so far as to having plans drawn up for a loft extention, which would have cost £40k approx and would have had to be paid for from mums money. Before the plans were agreed she had become more frail and also the redundancy package was withdrawn so it was not pursued furthur but now I do wonder if I had gone and had that work done would I at some point have had to sell my house to pay her estate back the 40k?..assuming at some point she had to go back into nursing home?
     
  13. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    While I'm sure the LA would have given you a hard time about it, the wording of the regulations is such that they would have to prove that you had "an intent to deprive" or possibly, that your expectations were entirely unreasonable. I mention the latter because I have seen information that indicates that if the person whose money it was had no expectation that they would subsequently require care, and just being elderly is not sufficient reason to assume that they would, LA's cannot go after disposed of assets. However, when the disbursal of funds is made when the person already has dementia, I imagine that the beneficiary would be expected to be aware of the possible ramifications, up to and including subsequent placemnt in a nursing home. In other words, it's a clear as mud, but I think they'd have to take you to court.
     
  14. candymostdandy@

    candymostdandy@ Registered User

    May 12, 2006
    81
    west sussex
    Update

    Meeting took place mith brother and solicitor last week, 3 1/2 hours at solicitor, with brother insisting that he wanted control of finances.

    After three hours I was about to walk out, at which point he eventually agreed that if he could call in and see mum as and when he pleased, I could have control of finances.

    Oh yes and also if he should ever want to take mum to his house, that we have to pay for a carer to accompany her in case she should need to go to the toilet..

    So what has he achieved? besides splitting the family apart forerver...

    He said to the solicitor that I was spending too much money looking after mum,

    solicitor told him that it's not his money and that as long as I spend it on looking after mum that there is nothing he can do about it...

    considering he is so worried about finances, I hate to think how much all of this is going to cost, and all of it coming out of mum's money...

    PS I told him that he could control finances if he had mum living with him, funnily enough he refused....
     
  15. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    What an abolute pill he is. I am so sorry you're having to deal with all this as well as everything else.

    Jennifer

    P.S. I wonder how often he'll visit???
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,642
    Kent
    Well that put HIM in his place.
     
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Well done, Candy. As you say, it's a shame it had to come to this, but at least it's now resolved.
     
  18. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    I have only recently found out that my brother (read former posts) had phoned Mum and Dad's solicitor accusing him of malpractise, because I had power of attorney and in his opinion, the POA was granted when they were not capable.

    At the time my brother and I discussed it and he agreed to me having POA, because "I was much better at things like that than he was, he didn't understand investments etc"

    Fortunately, the solicitor gave him short shift, saying that Mum and Dad were his clients, not me nr my husband or my brother and he (the solicitor) was acting in Mum and Dad's best interests.
    His opinion was that at the time of signing Mum and Dad were aware of what they were signing.

    When they signed the POA, approx 5 years ago, I don't think they fully understood what it was all about, but I do believe that Mum and Dad in their pre dementia stage would have done the same

    Brothers who would want them:(

    Alfjess
     
  19. candymostdandy@

    candymostdandy@ Registered User

    May 12, 2006
    81
    west sussex
    i have reached the end of the road

    I care for mum full time at my home. She scored 8 on the memory test last week and "we are being generous".the nurse said/

    Well following on from my last post, today I have reached the end....

    Whilst my brother NO 2 was at my home visiting my mum, I received a letter from the Guardianship Office, advising me that they have been notified that "you may not be acting in your mother best interest" and that I now have to provide invoices for the past year...

    This was obviusly instigated by brother, having read the letter I kicked him out of the house...
    I phoned brother No1
    Phoned mum's solicitor - he couln'nt believe what my brother is up to...

    I am tired, I and my family wanted to look after my mum until the end, but I cannot any longer battle with my brother..

    So I packed mum's bags, and took mum to my brother, so that he can look after her, apparently he can't look after her, and wants to put her in a home...I told him that I was taking there, but him and his wife were out when I went and only 24 year old nephew there

    Mum has an extension at his house, that he has made full use of, and since mum moved in with me in January 2006 she has never stayed there...

    So tonight I am at home out side mum's room that is empty wondering what the next couple of days will bring...


    I just can''t battle any more, on top of the stress of looking after mum...

    How can they do this...

    justify spending./..

    Given up full time employment £25,000 per year loss

    24 hrs 7 days a week responsibility and care

    Food , shopping, preparation, feeding

    clothes, washing

    Sheets bedding, kylie virtually everyday

    Since mums deterioration carer 1 hour am, 1/2 hour evening, to shower every morning and to put to bed.

    Daycare, full price at £30 per day twice per week

    Carpet washing, mum incontinent

    Carers for when I have to go, shopping, doctor social life

    Administer mums medicine, take to doctors,

    Hospital bed £50 per month rental £800 for first year

    Do I need to go on......

    All that mum has left is knowing who her family are, by the time he has finished she won't even have that.....
     
  20. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Candymostdandy,
    I have experience Carers and Former Carers at our Local Branch but your news I think it is the most destressing thing I have heard about.
    My heart goes out to go and your main concern is in the best interest of your Mother.
    I am sorry but this is going to be blunt but your brother sounds once selfish so & so.
    When Peter was first diagnoised and we made our wills and E.P.A. he was adament that not one penny went to his two natural children. Peter always said if anything happened to him, they would soon be on the doorstep to see what he had left in his will.
    Do you have anyone close to you that can help you at all for support ?
    My thoughts are with you are this herrendous time you are going through.
    Very best wishes.
    Christine
     

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