How 'Hardened' have you become?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by saskia, Dec 20, 2016.

  1. saskia

    saskia Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    North Essex
    My mum is now (we think & have been advised by GP) is in middle stages

    has yet to have an MRI (booked for next week)

    we have Social Services on the case - but as mum is still very independent and lives on her own quite well - they will review her case in the New Year.

    things have become quite difficult in the last month - we have seen a rapid detioriation in her short term memory - considerably so much, since her beloved dog & companion since dad died) was put to sleep a month ago.

    She blames myself & my husband for 'killing her dog without telling her ' (she was with us at vets!! ) and the nightly phone calls have increased & decreased depending on what mood she is
    One night -no calls -last night 10 calls.

    I ask the question to how hard you think you have become -because the calls don't bother me at all - i just repeat my mantra -even though i'm being sworn at / shouted at / phone slammed down'

    She has not become physically agressive, however, my mums core personaility has always been feisty - so the dementia does truly bring this out - i suspect a physical attack may well happen.

    of course it makes me so sad and i seem to have a permanant headache ....... but i feel that i am less of mums daughter and not even so much a carer as have a brother & husband who are brilliant with mum and we all work full time - so visits are once / twice through the week for an hour & every weekend.

    When she has a good day & laughs about stuff -i feel that all is ok with the world and then BAM, back to the reality of Dementia world with a bang once mum 'sundowns' and in her fragmented mind -another weird & wonderful story pops up and she has to call me to accuse / shout etc.........

    Think i've rambled on - sorry. just wanted to air!

  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Mostly I'm quite calm and helpful but when my husband has one of his unreasonable days when he is going by plane, train, bus or car to Glasgow, Lodon or somewhere and must have a case packed as Marion (me) will be meeting him etc and so forth.........then I am a Nurse Ratchet from One flew over the cuckoos nest!

    Compassion does not work when my husband is in this mood. I just put my coat and boots on and get him dressed and walk him round the neighbourhood until he is exhausted.

    I don't feel a failure or a success. I just feel like I've drawn the short straw.
  3. saskia

    saskia Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    North Essex
    is my mum at middle stage? i get confused with whatever stage

    she is at home / can dress / wash / cleans house / pUts make up on / remembers when i owe money on her credit card! & wrote out her xmas cards last week (albeit her writing has become terrible)

    reading on this section, seems she might not be quite there yet -however, her memory is now quite shockingly bad,
  4. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    When my mum was at this stage, if I was near my laptop, I had a game where you filled train wagons with shapes (Tetris type)

    Mum would rant & rave , accuse & yell, & I would fill my wagons & "mmm, Oh, dear, tutt" in the appropriate places.

    It helped keep me sane when the phone calls got more frequent, I didn't so much get hardened, just numbed .

    Lin x
  5. irismary

    irismary Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    West Midlands
    Trying to be hardened but its difficult. Sometimes it feels like a knife in my stomach and then other days its being twisted. Some things make me laugh, some make me sad but I rarely cry over it all. As Mom is 93 I know I'll be sad when she is no longer here as she is a big part of my life but I also know I don't want her to be scared. As for my OH he is still basically ok although his test score was exceptionally low. It hurts when he isn't happy but I know it could be much worse. I'm a doer who can't do, and I like to know what's what so the unknown of what and when and how drives me up the wall.
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Oh good, not just me then :eek:

    Only in my case its endless games of solitaire
  7. Bill_t

    Bill_t Registered User

    Dec 18, 2016
    My wife sometimes does a similar thing, usually going to see her parents. Died 20 years ago and lived 120 miles away. Do you find this going for a walk helps, I could try it. I'm emotionally drained constantly breaking the news to her that her parents died and, yes, she did go to the funerals.
  8. Steve115

    Steve115 Registered User

    May 17, 2016
    Huntingdon area
    Hi Bill,

    In the early days my wife constantly wanted to go 'home' and see her parents, the demands starting at about the same time each day. Initially I told her that her parents had both died which was quite stressful for her. After being given advice I stopped telling her that they had died, just responding in a bland but affirmative way. We also went for short walks or drives which calmed her down and slowly the demands and questions about home and parents went away, removing my stress as well.

    Now when she refers to her parents I just respond with something bland and change the subject. This approach certainly has helped me.

  9. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    Saskatoon, I really empathise with you. My mum had similar delusions (I had killed her 59 times was the usual one) but also has periods where she is almost herself. I actually find the delusional states easier to deal with/walk away from. In that state I can do nothing and yes, I have become hardened to it (it probably took me about a year of being verbally and physically beaten up to get to that stage though). When she is more herself I find it heartbreaking. I think we HAVE to harden ourselves to cope with our previously loving parent's attacks. I spent a few months in utter confusion over how she could turn against me and thought I had done something to deserve it. So hardening ourselves is possibly a healthy response??

    Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    At certain times I think this is so. I am always ready to be the patient wife/friend/nurse/carer but I know when I am up against a totally unreasoning person who needs a different tactic and I am not going to be reduced to tears of frustration or anxiety. Been there - done that. I'm not going back. I have a few hard headed tactics and walking followed by tea, meds and bed is one which works at present. Next week, month, year I might need something different.

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