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How do you tell some one how is bed bound they can not go out for the 20 time with out upsetting themgo out

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
Ho been bed bound since June .i have try all the normal can not go out because
of virus . Will go tomorrow as no petrol .
Wait till you more better witch he says he will never get better
He says he can walk its me thats stoping him and i made it happen .i don't go out if i can help it as when i do he kicks of big times after 30 minutes..he try's to get out of bed and if we put his feet back up he gets mad .
I told him once he can not walk and he said he knows but he still goes on a-bought going out and i stoping him i just don't know what to say any moor.he tells cares he been out and he wonts to go out and i stoping him .
I no this is going to go on and on but what to say ideas thank you
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,939
Kent
I wish I could think of something to help @vannesser

I suppose even if you had a wheelchair to get your husband out in, you wouldn`t be able to get him downstairs.

Can you agree he can go out if he can get up but he is too heavy for you to be able to help him?

Can he have a TV in his room to give him something to do?

I`m so sorry I can`t be of more help. You have had such a long struggle.
 

Claireyeddy

Registered User
Sep 21, 2020
35
I was going to suggest a wheelchair. It also depends if he is upstairs or downstairs. Can he walk whilst supporting himself with a trolley for example? Would he agree to a chair? If he is located downstairs this could be an option. I do hope you find one, it must be very difficult for you to try and explain to him x
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,707
66
Toronto, Canada
I'm assuming that he cannot get himself out of bed. Would it be possible to put lots of cushioning where he would try to get out and simply not say anything? The cushioning should help if he fell out of bed trying to get out. Just hearing the words that he can't is probably sending him into a rage. I know it sounds cold, but would arranging protection and then letting him get on with things without saying anything help you?
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,863
It is hard for both of you. He remembers going out, he feels in his mind he could still go out but something is stopping him. When logic fails the question remains so by blaming you he is trying to solve his problem.

My husband came up with some very inventive reasons as to why something did not work, he just need me to agree it was a puzzle, we were both sad about it, we would both try and find a solution.

Sometimes it is a phase until some other problem come to mind to be solved.
I found, and it may not work for you, it helpful not to reason but join in the frustration, say that you want to go out together too, mention it is cold/hot so you do not feel up to it today but you are looking into how . Then distract, distract, distract .

sometimes when we are restricted we dream so he may feel he can because he has just dreamed he could. When we wake we remember it was a dream, he may not have that ability.

I think he needs to feel he is being heard, any practical reasons as to why he can longer do something just comes over as opposition.

how is his long term memory? I found looking at films of things we saw and did helped.
we would laugh and say neither of us could do that now. It was good when we could.
Whatever we were both together on this. So I apologised to him a lot For not finding an answer but I was really looking for both of us.

it is not easy at all.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,092
West Hertfordshire
I'd say ''Come on, lets go then'' How far is he going to get before he forgets that he was going anywhere? If he is down stairs, ge him into a wheelchair and get him outside even if its only onto front garden. Could you push him round the block? Could a carer?
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
I wish I could think of something to help @vannesser

I suppose even if you had a wheelchair to get your husband out in, you wouldn`t be able to get him downstairs.

Can you agree he can go out if he can get up but he is too heavy for you to be able to help him?

Can he have a TV in his room to give him something to do?

I`m so sorry I can`t be of more help. You have had such a long struggle.
He is unable to get up at all in hospital bed down stares watches tv in room with family cares come hosed in to chair .then back in bed
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
I was going to suggest a wheelchair. It also depends if he is upstairs or downstairs. Can he walk whilst supporting himself with a trolley for example? Would he agree to a chair? If he is located downstairs this could be an option. I do hope you find one, it must be very difficult for you to try and explain to him x
Unable to support him self unable to stand or move himself to another position wile in bed cares hoist him from bed to a chair and back again when they come back .lives down stairs watches tv most of day even though its all rubbish he says .
Its he still thinks he can do it .
Thank you for reply
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
I'm assuming that he cannot get himself out of bed. Would it be possible to put lots of cushioning where he would try to get out and simply not say anything? The cushioning should help if he fell out of bed trying to get out. Just hearing the words that he can't is probably sending him into a rage. I know it sounds cold, but would arranging protection and then letting him get on with things without saying anything help you?
Thank you for reply he can not get out or sit up himself or turn over when in bed he hoisted by cares in to chair then back to bed and incontanent .
He moves legs over side of bed wonting me to try and help him stand i no he cannot and he would fall and hurt him .
My sister said why don't i just let him get on with it and fall out of bed as i would have to ring for a ambulant to get him up and they would take him in hospital and have in put in a home
To help me .but i wouldn't like to be the one that did that if i can stop him hurting him self
Its hard
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
It is hard for both of you. He remembers going out, he feels in his mind he could still go out but something is stopping him. When logic fails the question remains so by blaming you he is trying to solve his problem.

My husband came up with some very inventive reasons as to why something did not work, he just need me to agree it was a puzzle, we were both sad about it, we would both try and find a solution.

Sometimes it is a phase until some other problem come to mind to be solved.
I found, and it may not work for you, it helpful not to reason but join in the frustration, say that you want to go out together too, mention it is cold/hot so you do not feel up to it today but you are looking into how . Then distract, distract, distract .

sometimes when we are restricted we dream so he may feel he can because he has just dreamed he could. When we wake we remember it was a dream, he may not have that ability.

I think he needs to feel he is being heard, any practical reasons as to why he can longer do something just comes over as opposition.

how is his long term memory? I found looking at films of things we saw and did helped.
we would laugh and say neither of us could do that now. It was good when we could.
Whatever we were both together on this. So I apologised to him a lot For not finding an answer but I was really looking for both of us.

it is not easy at all.
No not easy he don't watch mutch tv don't like films .can not see to good .will try the looking for a answer to help but better then nothing thank you
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,707
66
Toronto, Canada
That's why I'm suggesting that cushioning be put by the side of the bed. He may well try to do something in the night so I think padding would be helpful. If he slings his legs over obviously you won't help him, just tell him 'fine' and walk away. I think Your sister has a point you should consider.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
My sister said why don't i just let him get on with it and fall out of bed as i would have to ring for a ambulant to get him up and they would take him in hospital and have in put in a home
To help me .but i wouldn't like to be the one that did that if i can stop him hurting him self
Its hard
If he did fall while trying to stand up on his own and you called an ambulance (rather than leaving him on the floor) and he was admitted to hospital and then a home, it would not be your fault. You have not done this. You did not do any of this.
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
That's why I'm suggesting that cushioning be put by the side of the bed. He may well try to do something in the night so I think padding would be helpful. If he slings his legs over obviously you won't help him, just tell him 'fine' and walk away. I think Your sister has a point you should consider.
I but a put up bed at side of his bed at night .it in day but will try pillows
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
If he did fall while trying to stand up on his own and you called an ambulance (rather than leaving him on the floor) and he was admitted to hospital and then a home, it would not be your fault. You have not done this. You did not do any of this.
I no what your saying is true but i think he would say its my felt eve though i no its not thanks for reply
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,707
66
Toronto, Canada
I no what your saying is true but i think he would say its my felt eve though i no its not thanks for reply
If you know it's not your fault, let him say whatever he wants. What you need to do is what is best for him, not what he wants. At this point in time, his needs and wants are very different.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,863
Joanne has made a very good point needs and wants are very different.

You have to look after your own needs too, you really care so you really need to feel you have done everything to keep him safe.
When do you feel a care home may be more appropriate for his sake.
Watching TV is really more appropriate when someone watches with a person so shares and talks.

Do give yourself a hug, you are doing so well.
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
Joanne has made a very good point needs and wants are very different.

You have to look after your own needs too, you really care so you really need to feel you have done everything to keep him safe.
When do you feel a care home may be more appropriate for his sake.
Watching TV is really more appropriate when someone watches with a person so shares and talks.

Do give yourself a hug, you are doing so well.
Thank you for reply
I don't think its time for care home yet and don't think i ever will .
Its other people think he should be .(sister ) says how am i going to live my life when he like he is but this is a sister that only thinks of her self .
As for the tv its on he don't like watching much he can not see much he use to like watching midsummer murders vera and parow .but wont watch it all through and he liked the bill every day and then watch repeat over week end .know he wont watch it at all .he lays on bed looking throe window what bit he can see on a-bought trains and ships going past our house all day long we don't live near ether .trying to look after self but difficult as going shoping more then 45 minitszv
Joanne has made a very good point needs and wants are very different.

You have to look after your own needs too, you really care so you really need to feel you have done everything to keep him safe.
When do you feel a care home may be more appropriate for his sake.
Watching TV is really more appropriate when someone watches with a person so shares and talks.

Do give yourself a hug, you are doing so well.
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
46
UK
@vannesser , my mother was bed bound for the last 3 years of her life, she just wasn’t able to stand and impossible to hoist so was in bed the whole time, but was constantly trying to get out of the bed as she had “things to do, go out, go t work etc”.
We had bed guards up but she’d get out of the gap at the end then we’d find her on the floor.

A nurse told me that if you elevate their legs in a hospital bed, it’s then more difficult to get out of the bed.

It did the trick for my mum.
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
Joanne has made a very good point needs and wants are very different.

You have to look after your own needs too, you really care so you really need to feel you have done everything to keep him safe.
When do you feel a care home may be more appropriate for his sake.
Watching TV is really more appropriate when someone watches with a person so shares and talks.

Do give yourself a hug, you are doing so well.
Thanks for reply will try it