How do you motivate yourself to visit/cope with the frustration at being ignored?

virg

Registered User
Jan 13, 2010
112
0
cheshire
My Mum has deteriorated recently and now spends a lot of time asleep. I visit but am finding that she has no interest in my company and either shuts her eyes and seems asleep or walks off. Everyone else is of more interest than her family visitors.

I understand that this is part of the illness but how do people keep themselves motivated to visit? I have 2 hours drive round trip and go 3 times a week and sometimes I just feel upset/frustrated when I get there and straight after I arrive, she just climbs into bed and shuts off or walks off.

I want her company (we were always very close) but she doesn't seem to want mine anymore. Maybe I'm just being selfish by expecting her to want to see me (she's delighted to see me for the first 5 seconds but that is it).
 

Varandas

Registered User
Sep 2, 2013
227
0
Hampshire England
I am sorry this is happening. Try to think of something else. Look at old pictures with your Mom and make comments about the clothes, the places, the people and ask gentle questions trying to get her to say something.
It is sad that she walks away, but maybe this is a defense mechanism that in knowing that she is not well or her 'old' self, she wants to be left alone.
You are not selfish in wanting her company, but enjoy the few moments you have together and treasure it.
All the very best
 

Resigned

Registered User
Feb 23, 2010
223
0
Wiltshire
Hi verg

I'm sorry to hear about your mother but I can sympathise and my mother is exactly the same. She is usually just sitting when I visit (in a CH now for over three years). There is no reaction when I arrive, no greeting, no eye contact, then she usually walks off. I sometimes spend my time standing in the corridor watching her as she walks past me, up and down, up and down.

Or she falls asleep.

I have a 100 mile round trip to visit my mother but I now only go once a month and stay less than an hour. I used to go every week. She won't engage with me in anything so looking at photos, books, etc just doesn't work any more.

To be honest, it seems a waste of time visiting her so often and as she isn't expecting me, there isn't really any harm in not going very often.

Perhaps you should cut down the number of visits you are making each week? Be kind to yourself, this disease destroys the souls of the family too.

R
 

Vesnina

Registered User
Aug 25, 2013
179
0
hanghead.gif
I believe that Varandas is right.
I live with my mother now, and she cries sometimes quietly for not being better or more useful.
She used to be well, independent, she worked for all of us...
She could be very ashamed and unhappy - but I kiss her and hug her and..

and sometimes I joke with her asking if she is my pet rabbit or my pet kitten.

I used to call her after work... now I do not want to wake her up if she is asleep...
and my heart shrinks on the thought that I may live to the time when any talking would be impossible.

Being near her, I accepted gradual changes in her abilities (more obvious from her recent photographs),
and give my very best to cheer this dear soul which still resides in the changed body of my mother.
square.gif
 

Dumbly

Registered User
Jun 25, 2011
18
0
63
My Mum has deteriorated recently and now spends a lot of time asleep. I visit but am finding that she has no interest in my company and either shuts her eyes and seems asleep or walks off. Everyone else is of more interest than her family visitors.

I understand that this is part of the illness but how do people keep themselves motivated to visit? I have 2 hours drive round trip and go 3 times a week and sometimes I just feel upset/frustrated when I get there and straight after I arrive, she just climbs into bed and shuts off or walks off.

I want her company (we were always very close) but she doesn't seem to want mine anymore. Maybe I'm just being selfish by expecting her to want to see me (she's delighted to see me for the first 5 seconds but that is it).

In a way you are fortunate although it won't seem like it. Of course it is part of the disease and of course you know that it isn't your old mother who is behaving like this. I would go less often, certainly not 3 times a week at such a great distance. I wish my mother was more like yours. If you have seen my other posts you will know that my mother never ever stops asking questions and begs and pleads with me not to leave her. If only she would just doze off after a couple of hours and let me leave her without being traumatised.
 

virg

Registered User
Jan 13, 2010
112
0
cheshire
Maybe I will cut down at some point but not yet. I still have the feeling of having let her down by letting her go into a home so for the moment, I have to keep going. I admit it's for selfish reasons and I will probably always feel like that. It's not quite as bad as it sounds as I visit my Dad in the same run (still in their home and still very much independent) and he is pleased to see me so it makes the journey worthwhile.

It's nice to know that other people have the same issue. Not that it makes it any easier but it confirms that it's part of the illness and not some sort of rejection of family.
 

Helenbak

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
12
0
Maybe I will cut down at some point but not yet. I still have the feeling of having let her down by letting her go into a home so for the moment, I have to keep going. I admit it's for selfish reasons and I will probably always feel like that. It's not quite as bad as it sounds as I visit my Dad in the same run (still in their home and still very much independent) and he is pleased to see me so it makes the journey worthwhile.

It's nice to know that other people have the same issue. Not that it makes it any easier but it confirms that it's part of the illness and not some sort of rejection of family.

Hi Virg
I am new to TP. Arrived today!
My Mum is anxiety ridden most of the time and has 1-1 care 24/7 under the NHS. I have had to fight to get her back into my local town after she was awarded continuing care and taken out of the residential home I chose to a nursing home 12 miles away. My Dad and I could only get to see her twice a week due to me being self employed and needing to work (I lost my full time employment of 11 years last year following all the life changes that went with my Mums illness.) Dad has now been in hospital for 8 weeks after breaking his leg so although my Mum is being well looked after here, its my Dad who is now in hospital!! There is a possibility he also has dementia and I only found that out a few days ago, so I am still reeling.
My Mum has no concept of time but I go to see her at least four times a week - it was 5 or 6 times before Dad went into hospital. I see my Dad about five times a week and that is harder work at the moment.
I feel that everything is being hurled at me at the moment.............I have had good parents and want to repay them as much as I can in their final years. I have been managing all their finances now for some time anyway but these 25 mile round trips on top of being self employed and in addition to trying to sort out my own life are getting a bit much. I have bad days when I feel like giving up and days when I am really angry and/or upset with everything and everyone. I don't look forward to the future because I see more trauma and I fear that I may also succumb to this horrible illness.
Two days ago I found a letter written by my Mums psychiatrist a couple of years ago which was around the time my Mum only suffered really with her memory and confidence following TIA's. In this letter the psychiatrist noted my need at the time to get my parents near to me (they were over 250 miles away at the time,) and he had detailed my parents response - they stated they did not ever want to be a burden to me.
I should have been going to see Dad today but some nasty individual took off the wing mirror on my car and I hit a low point from last night but I am just about to ring him and tell him I will see him tomorrow - why? because I feel I need to do something for me tonight. You cannot give from the well if you have not replenished it...........An old friend told me that once
I don't know if this helps you but I know even though I am only new to this site today, I have felt a bit of comfort knowing there are others who are managing to live their lives around or with this devastating disorder.
I think we should all try and recall our respective parents as they were if we were fortunate to have good ones and I wouldn't mind betting that they would be telling us that as long as they were being well looked after and hadn't been abandoned, we should get on with what was intended - they brought us into the world to live our own lives.
Just writing to you has made me feel a bit stronger.:)