how do you know when you just can't carry on anymore

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by tuffydawn, Nov 7, 2018.

  1. tuffydawn

    tuffydawn Registered User

    Mar 30, 2015
    my mood is getting lower and lower and i just don't think i can do this for much longer but how do you know if it is the right time for a care home my life is empty and i am slowly dying inside
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Exactly when you are thinking these thoughts, tuffy. Don't wait until you are totally burned out - get on it now!
  3. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    Hello @tuffydawn it sounds like you are having a difficult day, in answer to your question on when is the time right for a CH? When you can no longer give the needed level of care and it becomes clear that one person cannot keep up with the care needed.
    I wonder how long it is since you had a care assessment from SS? And a carers assessment for yourself?
    Maybe that would be a good way forward and help you decide how to proceed?
  4. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    I agree with Beate and nellbelles. Seek help now, @tuffydawn, before things get any worse.
    Lindy xx
  5. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    I agree with everyone. Please get help now. You do not have to be tormented like this, goodness me, you have done so much. My doctor said to me that the system relies on accidents to bring the caring to a halt and to place the person in a care home. This is what happened to me, please act before it happens to you.
    I wish I had acted sooner. with love, Geraldine aka kindred.xxxx
  6. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    I am so sorry you are feeling so very low.
    I’m such a novice here I wish I could offer you words of wisdom and support as the previous posts have given such good advice.
    But I’m thinking of you.
    Take care of yourself, love B x
  7. Unhappy15

    Unhappy15 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    Dear Tuffy,
    As everyone else has said you need help now, you are suffering from carer burnout and it can't continue.
    I felt just like you just before my husband was sectioned and there were quite a few times that I seriously contemplated killing us both because there seemed no way out.
    Please don't get to that stage, start to make arrangements for care and above all be kind to yourself. You have done all that you can and there is a limit to what you can endure, if you push yourself too far you will not be able to help anyone least of all yourself.
    Look after yourself Tuffy my heart goes out to you, but act now for your own sake.
  8. tuffydawn

    tuffydawn Registered User

    Mar 30, 2015
    thank you everyone for your support i feel i can do the physical care but i can not cope with the mental pain i feel of having no life at all i need to live again! and be free that may make me selfish but i cant help it
  9. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    My lovely cousin lost her husband just two years ago. He died from prostate cancer. She is 75 and she is totally devastated. She and I have become close over that time, our Moms were identical twins.
    I feel guilty.
    I feel that I’m worse off than she is. I can’t or wouldn’t dream of saying that to her, but I feel I’ve lost my husband, but I still see him every day. But there is no joy or love in our life anymore. I don’t believe he is happy, or likes life, or likes me. I’m convenient.
    My cousin can get on with her life. It isn’t the life she wants because she wants her husband back. I can’t get on with my life. I don’t have a life anymore. But I’m frightened of saying I would be better off without him, because that makes me very sad and very guilty.
    It’s so tough. I know where you are coming from.
    Please look after yourself, love B x
  10. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    It isn't selfish to want a life. We all have our limits, for whatever reason.

    More that once I've stood looking out to sea and wondered how long I can take the emotional torture of dementia.

    I have been able to make things better for myself by things like controlling my wife's drinking so I'm still standing, albeit with a lot of stress in my life.

    Few of us ever imagined the life of a carer for a person with dementia.
  11. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Hello @karaokePete , Theres a majic something about being alone and looking out to sea that always makes me just think Freedom. I love the sea born close to it so in my blood sadly 70 miles away now.
    Like you and so many others I never imagined the life I have now caring for my husband.

    Have a restful holiday if that’s possible and enjoy the sea. ((here’s a hug)) A x
  12. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Thank you @Starbright.

    I have always lived beside the sea and find it comforting to think while listening to the pebbles rolling in the waves.
  13. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    @tuffydawn, please get some help. This disease has no mercy and please don't let yourself become a victim.

    Usually the time for a care home, or more help of whatever sort, is well BEFORE we start wondering if it's time. i think it's often difficult for carers to step back and have an objective view.

    Is there a care package in place now that can be increased? Day care, sitters, carers coming in? A cleaner, help with laundry, someone to help in the garden? What about booking some respite care?

    You can look at care homes and put your name on the waiting list, without having to take the place. There is no harm in knowing what's available in your area.

    But please do get additional support and help, for you both.
  14. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    It’s so difficult my OH will not accept he has anything wrong with him, if he can’t do things it is my fault for not teaching him properly. He accuses me of being a terrible teacher. I’ve never been a teacher! I never taught him about the new money, It changed in 1971 but he can’t remember that! He is being offered a carer to take him out but he won’t go. He is quite mobile and we do go on health walks regularly. It’s the selfishness that gets me down he will say I don’t do anything for him and just live my life as I please. If only! I gave up my job in July and have lost a lot of my private pension because of it!

    Our daughter is pregnant after 4 years of trying and he is nasty saying that I can’t look after the baby! He is only thinking of himself I can’t help but hate him at times as I don’t recognise the person I married, if I mention her he just starts ranting and is nasty. His mood swings are awful his memory and confusion are getting worse. I must admit a friend of mine lost her husband to cancer and I felt jealous as now she is living her life as she wAnts, with holidays and outings with friends. I know it can be lonely but I feel like a prisoner as he doesn’t like me going anywhere. We can’t socialise as he is deaf but also cannot keep up with conversations and blames me!
  15. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017

    Agree with all, get help now before it becomes to late and is taken out of your hands. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of someone else. In order to get help you simply have to ask. The best move I made was ask for help, my husband now gets properly cleaned - he feels better & is able to socialize with them relieving much of my stress.
  16. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Darling, I know, we can't get on with our lives, I know. The loss of joy is ghastly, I know. All my thoughts and love. You look after YOU too, you send such loving messages to others darling, encourage others. Look after precious self too.
    No, few of us could ever imagine our lives would go this horrible way.
    all my love, G aka
  17. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    I love you Geraldine, you always give me comfort, tears and comfort xx

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