How do you decide when its time to move to a cae home?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by roni, Jul 4, 2015.

  1. roni

    roni Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    Hi I'm new to this forum and to be honest haven't got any family to help me so struggling with the progression of this god forsaken illness. My lovely mum who has always took pride in herself, her house and her family has now changed in to someone who hates me , won't let me clean and is refusing personal care. I have promised her since diagnosis (4 years ago) that I will make sure she lives independently in her house until her health becomes a hazard and makes it unsafe for her to live there. She is forgetting to eat and losing weight , she has 3 carers go in a day but it just seems to anger her . My question is when do you decide to finally say its better for them to be in a care home and be able to live with yourself ? Some days that person I know and love is still there , talking to me as a daughter yet other I am the devil incarnate. Social services do there best but are overwhelmed and won't get involved until she falls and gets taken into hospital . Any help or advice would be appreciated:confused:
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Welcome to TP roni - you'll find lots of information on all aspects of caring for someone and so much else if you have a read through the various threads on the site.
    I tend to think that if you are now asking this question then it is already time for you to give some serious thought to what is best for your mum - something is clearly worrying you.
    But each instance is as individual as the person causing concern - so there's no easy answer.
    If you have LPA and your mum would be self funding then you have more control over the timing - maybe start looking at homes around you and chat with the carers there - I found that when I did a few years ago, it was obvious that it was too soon - but then my dad wandered in the middle of a winter night and that was the 'final straw' for me.
    If your mum qualifies for LA funding - then you will have to go to SS to get the ball rolling I believe.
    You mention that your mum is losing weight and that would concern me too - so have a word with her GP and any other 'professionals' involved.
    I guess you've had a care assessment for your mum as she has carers round 3 times a day - maybe that needs to be updated - and don't forget a Carer's assessment for yourself.
    A difficult decision- all the best!
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I would say it's usually when the person now needs 24/7 care and supervision - i.e. someone on hand all day, all night, day in, day out - and it can't be provided any other way.

    In my mother's case it was when we finally had to admit that she was no longer safe to be left alone even for half an hour. Of course she might have been OK 9 times out of ten, but it was the tenth that was such a worry, and we felt we could no longer take that risk. She had never been a 'faller' but there was a bad fall - no fractures but massive bruising - that finally decided us. She had no recollection of it - her short term memory was by then almost non existent.
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    When you as a carer feel you can't cope anymore and carers alone don't do the trick - then it's time. As for social services not getting involved until she ends up in hospital - maybe it's time you reminded them that no person is obliged to look after another. Sole duty of care lies with the council. They like to blackmail people into caring but they cannot force them. If you decide you cannot look after her anymore, and let's face it, your mum is uncooperative, hostile and starving herself to death, then let them know in no uncertain terms that it's time they took over, for her own safety and wellbeing.
    You mustn't think you're a failure - caring is incredibly hard and it's simply not feasible to stick to promises once given, especially if the person you gave them to does everything to sabotage your caring efforts. It's not your mum's fault, but it's not yours either. It's the dementia that is to blame.
  5. Reds

    Reds Registered User

    Sep 5, 2011
    Well said Beate x
  6. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013

    Having just had to make that horrendously difficult decision the only thing I would say is that when you know that a nursing home can provide better for your Mum's needs than any other option then it's time.,
  7. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    A very hard thing to do. My mum no longer recognised home and would not eat what the carers made or allow them to help her wash. In her care home she is a new woman. Happy, eating, socialising and lived by all the staff. Out of her house she niw feels safe again and the worry if trying to manage is lifted. It can be a very positive thing. I went from feeling sick going into see her everynight as i was getting abuse to actually being relacxed when visiting. I hope you can find domething that works. Try some respite and say the doc said she needed a holiday and some pampering. Thinging of you as you are a year behind me. Love quilty
  8. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    We found it was also a safety decision, is Mum safe on her own? as you are the sole relative involved, you must have tons of worry and this level of worry can really sink someone acting/organising on their own. Its perfectly ok to consider you own needs too. From what you say, the time may be drawing near. All the best, you are never quite alone with TP friends on your side.
  9. Fritillaria

    Fritillaria Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    Cambridge, UK
    Good to know I'm not alone

    This is my first visit to the forum and I am so glad to hear that others struggle with the same uncertainties. (Well, I'm not glad that you struggle, but I'm glad I'm not the only one!) My father is 84, diagnosed 2 years ago. He's been on Aricept and more or less takes care of himself but I do all the finances, etc. He lives in a senior's apartment building; not a care home as such but they do have Careline, which is brilliant.

    So he seemed stable but Friday he was taken to hospital with what was probably a stomach virus and although I brought him home yesterday, today I spoke to him on the phone and he's very confused about all kinds of things. I am a single mum and I work full time so I am starting to realize that I need some help, and like you I am wondering when to start thinking about a care home. And how do I find one and how much does it cost? So many questions. This seemed like a good place to start.
  10. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    He might just be extra confused due to the infection, but get in touch with social services. They should give him a needs assessment and you a carers assessment. They can give you a list of care homes to choose from and they will tell you how much they'll pay if he is not self-funding. They should find him one for their budget, and if they can't, they should up it. Don't get bullied into paying top-ups unless you want a nicer room with a better view or something. If he is self-funding, you theoretically don't need them but they can still help supplying a list of homes. You might start small by trying out a home for respite for a week or two - carers are entitled to respite anyway. Good luck.
  11. Fritillaria

    Fritillaria Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    Cambridge, UK
    Social Services

    Thanks Beate, I guess this disease is just unpredictable but the confusion is certainly worse when he's had some kind of disruption. When you say Social Services, who is that exactly? Which department, as it were? Is that City Council? I picked up a booklet at the GPs office to register as a carer so I will fill that out and send it in.
  12. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hi fritillaria and welcome to TP :)

    I had a quick look on your council websites as each area is different. It seems that where you are, it's the County Council you want. Looking at the website, click on 'adults and older people', then choose 'care and support', as follows:

    Good luck! And do follow up on that carers registration too :)

    Lindy xx
  13. Fritillaria

    Fritillaria Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    Cambridge, UK
    thank you!

    You are the best. I feel better already! Will post back when I get some tips that might help others too.

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