How do you deal with the agression

[Witzend]

My husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, although we have suspected for a while that he has been suffering from the disease. He has been prescribed Aricept 10 mg, and things seem to be slowing down, however he has bouts of rage, never physical, but verbal, over absolutely nothing. I usually end up in tears, and hate facing the neighbours.

Do you have the same experience, and if so, how do you cope with it ?

Bree

You have all my sympathy. My FIL used to fly into terrifying rages, again over nothing - they were so bad that I used to leave the house,taking the dog with me, since she would be very frightened. By the time I returned maybe 15 or 20 minutes later he would invariably have forgotten, and would often be tearful instead. Must be so infinitely worse to witness when it's your husband.

Our incidents were ages ago and the GP was utterly useless -just shrugged and said there was nothing he could do - but I do think there is so much more help med-wise now. Do please see your GP and tell him exactly how it is, at its worst.

I do hope you get some help soon.

 

[Bree]

It seems that a few months ago OH had good days, when we could have a relatively peaceful day, but now not a day goes by without a rage about something. Yesterday it was because he doesn't have a car key, (he has been told he mustn't drive).

Instead of my usual calm response I hit the roof, OH was so pleasant for the rest of the day ?? very odd.

 

[Noorza]

It seems that a few months ago OH had good days, when we could have a relatively peaceful day, but now not a day goes by without a rage about something. Yesterday it was because he doesn't have a car key, (he has been told he mustn't drive).

Instead of my usual calm response I hit the roof, OH was so pleasant for the rest of the day ?? very odd.

We are told not to shout at people with dementia and in the main it is good advice that I try to follow. I don't always succeed as the aggression and hateful words that gets spouted are hard to take. I did start a thread a while ago questioning how much is the dementia and how much is simple bad behaviour. The fact he was pleasant for the rest of the day, hitting the roof seems to have been the right choice and indicates there still is some level of control. Darned if I know how to tell the difference though.

I hope the peace lasts for you.

 

[Bree]

Thank you, all quiet so far today.

 

[nanny deb]

Thankyou one million times for this thread.I am new to this site and have reached the end of the road where Mom is concerned.I have got older brothers and for several years have expressed my concerns to them about moms behaviour towards people and the increasing verbal aggresion towards me and my family.They would only say that she was only acting like any normal 84 yr old.
Over the last year things have got horrendous.She has gone into near blind rages at me and my husband and our children, but worse are the stories that she tells people about things that we have supposed to have done to her.
My hubby apparantly tried to attack her with a knife.
My daughters have stolen money from her.
I have tried to turn my brothers against her.
I have cut the brakes on her mobility scooter.
I have tried to poison her.
The list is endless, but unfortunatly she tells these stories to anybody and everybody, and she can be quite "plausable" when she wants so i am concerned that strangers who dont know myself and my family may believe her.My Brothers have told me to ignore what she says , they just sit and listen to her when she starts, they dont challenge her so natrually she takes this as they believe her.
When she falls out with me as is the situation now the stories get even worse, things that i am to upset about to put on here.This latest fall out was over i managed to talk her into seeing the doctor about what had been happening.My brother and i both went with her and the gp did that 10 question memory test, which she sailed through.She has got to have some blood tests done tomorrow, but as far as she is concerned she passed the memory test so that just proves that she is fine.
I apologise now to all who are looking after someone with a mental health problem, i take my hat off to you all, you are better than me, but i am hoping that the tests show that she has got some medical reason as to why she is acting this way as the alternative is that there is nothing wrong with her and she is just a nasty old lady who as she told the man who delivers her drugs last night, hates me with every bone in her body and wishes i had died when i was in a car accident a couple of years ago.That was one statemrnt that she made last night to this man amongst several dreadful, horrible things that i accidently overheard.I felt physically sick and have come home feeling that i never want to see or speak to her again.I feel that ill or not i can never forgive her for what she has said about my family even about her great grandchildren, my grandchildren.The youngest being only 3yrs old.
I really dont want to feel this way but i can't help myself.Should i have done what my brothers did and not challenge her when she comes out with these lies, maybe i should have kept quiet and i wouldn't be in this position now feeling the way i do.
I am sitting here in tears unable to sleep as usual, i just don't know which way to turn.
Sorry for such a long first post but any help or advice would be so very much appreciated
nannydeb

 

[jaymor]

Hi Nanny Deb,

You really are going through it and me saying it is the disease is not going to help one little bit.

Not dementia related but something similar. My daughter was having problems with one of her daughters. Granddaughter would ask her for something and if she got a no as an answer then the nasty texts started. Daughter would then text back and it would end after 30 odd texts back and forwards and would be totally out of hand by the end. So from something as simple as can you drop my coat at the cleaners, they ended up throwing everything about each other that they could think of.

I told my daughter to stop replying to the texts, she was just fuelling the fire. At this stage I will say there was nothing to choose between them, one was as bad as the other but as the adult in all this it was in my daughters hands to put a stop to it.

Eventually after nearly a year she did as I asked and after a couple of texts she stopped replying and sure enough granddaughter had nothing to answer to so she too stopped. Now it is a case when it happens there is an hour or two of complete non communication and the next text is Sorry Mum. A lesson learnt for her and a much better relationship with her daughter. They have both grown up a bit.

As difficult as it is it will be easier for you if you just ignore it. If she gets no reaction and sees you do not appear to be upset by her horrid venomous talk hopefully it will stop. Just say 'Sorry you feel that way' and nothing else will, hopefully, deflate her. It may not work but is worth a try.
When my husband was hallucinating I saw what he saw and joined him in his world. Contradicting him made him anxious and brought out his challenging behaviour.

Good luck

Jay


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[Minnie's Mummy]

Advice

I have elderly friends of whom the husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He is verbally aggresive to his wife, threathening to smash her face in and shouting at her. She is terrified for her dogs and they are picking up on his aggression and are showing signs of being scared too. Any advice please. thank you

 

[Patv82]

Not your fault

Dear Bree - please do not bear the burden of this disease all by yourself. Your husband's irrational thoughts do not have any bearing on your relationship. It is very sad that his comments are upsetting you. It is probably he is lashing out only because you are someone he sees in front of him. There are some very good medications that will help with the mood swings, and truly make the transition safe and easier. Discuss your options with his doctor.

Change is so difficult for anyone with dementia. You are not expected to care for him all by yourself.

 

[Queen Bee]

The aggression is such a hard thing to deal with. I don't live with my Dad but when I see him like this, with him I find it best to let him vent. I try not to agree or disagree with him so that it does not provoke the point further. Hopefully he then gets it off his chest and calms down so that I can change the subject.

It really does depend though. Sometimes he has good days and sometimes bad days.

Hope you get on OK and this is a great place to come to be amongst people that really understand!

 

[Witzend]

My husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, although we have suspected for a while that he has been suffering from the disease. He has been prescribed Aricept 10 mg, and things seem to be slowing down, however he has bouts of rage, never physical, but verbal, over absolutely nothing. I usually end up in tears, and hate facing the neighbours.

Do you have the same experience, and if so, how do you cope with it ?

Bree

Oh, Lord, I do so sympathise. My FIL used to fly into really scary rages - again it would be over some tiny thing over which I had no control anyway. To be honest I used to leave the house for 15 minutes or so, taking the dog since she would be frightened too, cowering behind the sofa. By the time I got back he would have calmed down and usually would have forgotten whatever it was. It must be so hard for you, I am so sorry.

Nobody believed me about how bad it was - not even my OH, until he saw one for himself.

Can you 'escape' somewhere while it works itself out? Sorry I can't suggest anything more helpful, except maybe asking the medics if there's anything that might keep him calmer.