How do you deal with loss of person you once knew?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by CEADavies, Nov 8, 2015.

  1. CEADavies

    CEADavies Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    My father is in middle stage of dementia. My mum looks after him. I feel like I'm slowly losing my beloved dad, day by day. It's heartbreaking. His personality is changing. He's lost his dry wit & intelligence. Occasionally there are still flashes of his humour, perception, but it's gradually going. I almost feel like I'm starting to grieve for him even though he's still alive. And is it awful to wish that something quiet & painless will end his life in the not too distant future, for his sake & his family's?
  2. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    Hi and welcome to TP, I am sorry you are beginning to go through this, but as you will find, there will be help along the way here from people going through the same. We stand united.
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hi, Welcome to TP.
    Sadly all of us looking after a person with Dementia understand what it is like when you start losing the person you know and love.
    I never got used to it but I did learn to cope outwardly, their were plenty of tears along he way
    I found it helped by coming here where people did understand, I could have a bit of a rant. Reading other people's posts also helped me to put things into perspective, though they could be Scarey.
  4. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    It is hard to see a lovely lady like my mother in law slowly slip away from us with Alzheimers. But she has a large loving family who all visit and care, and still loves to see her many grandchildren and great grandchildren. None of her family want to think of losing her, but would want her to have a peaceful and dignified last few years.
  5. tuffydawn

    tuffydawn Registered User

    Mar 30, 2015
    i am with you all the way i grieve every day and long for things to just end quickly and then feel so quilty and unkind but can not help my feelings feel for you
  6. CEADavies

    CEADavies Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    Thanks tuffydawn it's good to know it's a normal feeling x
  7. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    It's awful, there is no denying it. But I don't think there's anything so awful about wishing it would end for them, particularly when someone no longer has a clue about anything, no longer recognises any of their family, and is maybe doubly incontinent on top. Which of us would want to go on in such circumstances?

    There is an awful lot of talk about 'dignity' in dementia but IMO although there can be kind and sensitive care, there cannot possibly be any shred of dignity once someone has reached that stage. I often wished for it to be all over for my poor mother, and although it was very sad when it finally happened, I could not truly be sorry, when I knew how much her former self would have hated what she had become.
  8. pins tony

    pins tony Registered User

    Oct 20, 2014

    My lovely wife June is 8years into this terrible illness I no if she was aware of what's happening she would not want to be alive there is nothing I can do I have just seen June not a good day for her.I am sat in pub next to MH drowning my sorrows not the answer but what the hell .anyway tomorrow is another day take care xx
  9. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    I guess we all pray for a short and easy passing for our loved ones before the dementia takes them away from us entirely. I don't think there is anything to feel guilty about there? Its the ultimate act of love - letting go.

    We all walk the same path, shoulder to shoulder. Its not a journey anyone would choose but at least here we are not alone.

    Keep posting. It helps.
    Love Quilty
  10. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    North Cornwall
    I am in the same situation as you CEA. My Dad is in the middle stages of vascular dementia. I live for those moments when we are alone together and a flash of his old wit comes through. Not so often nowadays, but he still stuns me with his humour and I will treasure those little gems. Listen out for them and take a mental snapshot whenever you can. They will stand you in good stead.

    I don't think your wish is awful at all. For us, in the middle stages, the thought of what is to come brings a constant sense of fear and dread. I can only hope for the best and expect the worst. Over 3 years into my Dad's journey, every day is like the first for me as it changes so much. Xx
  11. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    Like so many I grieve the mum that brought me into this world. The fun, loving, strong caring and so loving lady my mum was. Like so many I wish that the end would come quick and peacefully. The CH are so caring to mum but all they see is this frail confused sometimes nasty(I have been on the end of her punches and slaps) lady and I want to scream this isn't my mum. Like so many I have guilt for wishing my mum to pass away. Like so many I cry my tears. But like so many I carry on. Have a big hug and feel comforted that so many share how you feel xxxx
  12. Wendy C

    Wendy C Registered User

    Jan 29, 2012
    West Midlands
    My Mom in is the late stages of this awful disease. I grieve for my Mom and wish it was all over for her. She is very calm but sleeps all the time. She was a wonderful woman and Mother and to see her like she is now is heartbreaking. I know if she knew how she was, she would be devastated and would not want her family to watch her. The long goodbye, it certainly is. Love to all. xxx
  13. Charlie39

    Charlie39 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012
    I am feeling exactly like you. My Mum means everything to me, and she is slowly becoming less herself. I do not know how to handle it either, other than saying some days are harder than others. I will think of you. X
  14. Rosie56

    Rosie56 Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Us too

    I think we are now entering this stage. Mum's funny, sparky personality has almost completely disappeared: instead there is someone who keeps telling the same boring, self-centered (and untrue) anecdotes, over and over. Though she has daily care at home and in a care centre, she accepts no help with personal hygiene from me or anybody and is frankly filthy. She's incontinent and smells terrible. We've tried and tried to get this sorted but there doesn't seem to be a solution; at the moment we're in the process of changing care agencies.

    I had a fierce row with my partner recently because I was all jagged and raw after visiting her (she lives a long way off and has repeatedly refused to come and live nearer me) and he didn't understand why I was so fragile. Yes, he could see I was tired but it was so much more than tiredness! He doesn't realize what it's like to lose a beloved parent to Alzheimer's. He thought I was acting crazily. Maybe I was... He and I haven't been together very long and his parents didn't have dementia. He deals with Mum kindly, very well actually, but he doesn't understand how it gets to me, the loss and misery of it. To him she's just another daft old lady whereas I know what she used to be.
  15. fremington6

    fremington6 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    #15 fremington6, Dec 10, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
    And so it goes on

    We are now going into the 6th year of my husbands VasDem and I can now see yet a further change. We have tried one day a week at a lovely care centre but he shouted at me that I was trying to get rid of him and he just wanted to be with me. We are going to try a different group where there are more men to see if this will work. I am drained and just need a 'day off'. Reviews are now being passed back to the GP as the system is changing yet again where we live. It's a nightmare. Don't know what I'd do without the support of the Alzheimers soc, brilliant advice from them. Today I hear that we are in a county where the overall support is 'wanting' through lack of resources. I feel I am failing him and don't know what else I can do. Feel for you too. Sorry just a bad day.
  16. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    I am grieving for years the loss of my (still alive) mother. It is an abnormal grieve that dementia inflicts to families.

    Take care.
  17. River15

    River15 Registered User

    May 28, 2015
    Me too

    I often day dream and think of the memories before my mum developed Alzheimer's. Simple things like her making me a hot water bottle can bring me to tears. I miss the mum she once was but now each day spent with her is important and precious. This is the cruellest of diseases xx

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