How do you deal with it????

[whizzpop]

My Father has misxed dementia-vascuar dementia and alzheimers. I have locked it away in a little box in the back of my mind....but its not really working anymore.
I just dont know how to feel, help respond...or what to say. He thinks i dont know..i think, even though i have spoke to him about it...he seems to think he will get beeter and is just a bit off. He can be a real git to my mum, but i dont get this side of him just hear it from mum.

hmmm ok so i just babbled but hey ho

 

[Haylett]

Dear Whizzpop, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad - and in answer to your question, I don't know...I would go with your instinct because it's probably right. The fact that you're here, wondering what to do, means that you're already well tuned in to the problem. If I have a suggestion, and your father is perhaps taking his insecurity out on your Mum, it would be to give your Mum a breathing space if you can, by spending time with your Dad. Can you take him out, without your Mum, so that she might have a break?

Perhaps talk to him, not about his illness, but about something that he's interested in - or just sit with him and do something together - watch TV, listen to music, do the garden. Anything that takes the spotlight off him but something you can share. I tried to tell Mum so often that she didn't have to worry, that I would care for her - and I suddenly realised one day, that she wanted to be able to give something too. She wanted to make me laugh and to care for me too, and things got a lot easier when I learned how to take, and not only to give.

It's hard on you too though - and if you find this difficult because it turns your relationship with your Dad topsy-turvy - perhaps think about gently trying to recruit some outside help that would give all of you a breather. Do you have SS input? It's a mixed blessing but it's a start.

 

[whizzpop]

Hi
we have a person coming in to assess the house and see what support they can give. I do go round as often as possible, it is very difficult to get dad to leave the house as he is insecure now. I have a young ish family, work full time and am currently doing a degree, which takes up any free time i have (which is not much). I think the hardest thing is..and i know this sounds awful...is i dont know what to say to mum as she sometimes feels he is getting at her on purpose...and i never know what to say. I know its hard for mum..i cant even begin to imagine how hard...but its like getting it from all angles..if that makes sense. I try to be positive with mum but every suggestion i make she rebukes with a negative.
I try to deal with each new thing as it occurrs rather than thinking to far ahead, he does seem to be progressing at a rate though. When we look back we realise that this has been going on for years to be honest. He is on medication which has been incresed three times in the last few months..it all seems to be happening so fast.

 

[Haylett]

I think to get someone else in, is excellent. You have a lot on your plate - and to be piggy in the middle is an awful position to be in. Sliced every which way, like a side of bacon. Just try to listen to your Mum if you can, and let her get her feelings out of her system. That in itself, is tiring - but it would be a big help probably for your Mum - as long as she is also be pro-active about getting outside help. The good thing about non-family care is that the right person could be a real confidant for your father.

 

[whizzpop]

Thank you. I will definately look at outside help, possibly respite in the home.