How do you cope when your mother just shouts she hates you?

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Trekker, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    Sorry that my first post is so selfish, but I am not doing very well with the constant stream of shouted abuse that greets my every visit, or that comes with my mother’s phone calls. The GPs are doing their best and will visit again soon. I have spoken to social services, the GP has asked psych and SS to reassess, and I know the theory that this is the disease and not personal. But still I have no idea what to do, how not to cry every time, how to meet the needs of someone who only screams how terrible a daughter and person I am, how she hates me, how she hopes I have a terrible old age. Nothing I do helps, no act of kindness is acknowledged or remembered, and as have come to hate visiting and to dread all phone calls.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,649
    Female
    Scotland
    Step back. No one should let themselves be bullied in this way. Tell SS that you have to take a break from her. They will have come across this before. Shut off or block your phone.
     
  3. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    Thank you for fast response and clear advice. I hadn’t thought of myself as bullied but that’s just what it feels like, even though it isn’t her fault. Thank you.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,623
    Female
    South coast
    She has got into the cycle of blaming you for everything that is going wrong, even though none of it is your fault.
    Remove yourself from the picture so she can no longer blame you and this will (eventually) break the cycle.

    Im glad that SS and psych are on to it. Medication might help. It is horrible for both her and you
     
  5. Just me

    Just me Registered User

    Nov 17, 2013
    69
    I empathise with you Trekker though I don’t have an answer.
    Mum is like this if she doesn’t get her own way, if I don’t do something immediately, if I can’t understand what she is trying to say....
    On the other hand she has days when she says thank you, sorry, you’re my daughter, I love you....
    I tread on eggshells every day, not knowing what will cause a strop.
    I’d do anything for her when she is stable but it’s an effort to be upbeat when she’s not.
    I’ve tried not reacting, telling myself don’t argue, it’s the illness not her but it is so hard. I read everything about communicating techniques, what not to say, what but when she is like this nothing distracts her.
     
  6. Ohso

    Ohso Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    139
    Mum was like this up till a year ago, she hated me with a passion, my stress levels were beyond coping, my mouth went dry when l was driving to see her, l couldnt sleep.....eventually she ended up in hospital as she wasnt eating well or taking her medication so having called the police to accuse me of stealing her bank card she was so unwell they called an ambulance, that set off all the angencies who got involved and got us to where we are now, she was prescribed Rispiridone on discharge and within a month we were back to best friends and she has no memory of any of her actions.
    Two other things saved me, this site and its generous member who shared their experiences and learning about compasionate communication and watching Teepa Snow on youtube xxxx this will pass xxxx
     
  7. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    847
    My mother-in-law had a personality disorder most of her adult life and quite often behaved like this . When she was diagnosed with dementia in 2015,of course this sort of behaviour became worse . My husband and I had developed strategies to deal with her to minimize the risk to us. One of the most important things was to realise that this behaviour was the product of a sick mind. We kept her at arm's length . Any abuse from her mouth, we simply walked away and would not continue with our visit. We kept visits to an absolute minimum no more than an hour a week. We had a strategy to only answer the phone under certain circumstances. We had a special ringtone and caller display which meant that if her number came up or her personal ringtone we then decided whether to answer it or not. With the dementia when the phone calls increased we simply diverted her number to a mobile which then went on to voicemail so we didn't hear the phone ringing all the time.

    As other posters have said you need to step back you don't have to put up with this abuse
     
  8. la lucia

    la lucia Registered User

    Jul 3, 2011
    591
    It's not a selfish post. But here's a few practical suggestions.

    Don't respond beyond general single replies and instead aim to deflect and distract. Responding is pointless. Feel sorry that mum is so ill but don't take it personally - easier said than done I know. My mum was a horror for a few years.

    Diversions - food, TV, treats, whatever works. With my mum Belgian chocolate mousse had an almost magical effect. Don't feel obliged to be truthful or to 'resolve' anything.

    No one with dementia acknowledges kindness or has any empathy or awareness of others. That's just the way it is. It's a form of progressive brain damage.

    My mum once publicly accused me and my 7 year old grand daughter of trying to murder her. She screamed it at the top of her voice in the street (she was trying to thwart an outing for 7yo). Luckily, our neighbours laughed and I got mum in the car and produced said mousse from pocket with a teaspoon. The rest of the outing was fine. 7yo still giggles about it.

    Medication did help my mum and also being alert to other things that caused dramatic mood change including UTIs and dehydration.

    Here's something to read - Compassionate Communication but you can step back a bit too and keep telling yourself she's very sick, very vulnerable and it's BECAUSE you matter you are receiving the ****. Let steam off here.
     
  9. Hazara8

    Hazara8 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2015
    354
    My late mother was at pains to show her love and affection every single night when l assisted her to bed. That love and affection was mutual and shared naturally between mother and son as a norm - until Alzheimer's claimed her and wrought it's unremitting damage upon her. Then the bedtime kisses would often be surplanted by tetchy or antagonistic behaviour and " you do nothing for me!!" and so on. Also, night time incontinence or calls for help, tended to without reservation, could be met with anger and cold indifference and sometimes open accusations. Dementia inhabits, influences and cruelly transforms a person in a way which only truly comes to light during those times when you feel alienated, or a stranger in their midst. But when the "true" person shines through all of that and they do, albeit briefly, you know it instantly. Those of us here who have trodden this path know only too well just how exceedingly difficult it can be to accept these presentations for what they are. The harsh put down, a meal thrown at you, a scream, a nightmare session which you feel might never end -- all of it, is the presentation of a damaged brain and the one living with that damage is the true victim. Despite the hardship, tears and real heartache, that must be the overriding principle which enables you to continue and continue with a true awareness. Then one can, with enough energy, even come to embrace the seemingly aggressive behaviour, as a norm, as an Intruder who happens to reside within the one you love and care dearly for.
     
  10. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    Thank you all so much.
     
  11. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    The last week had been better. My mother when has moderately severe dementia and had been agitated and verbal aggressive for weeks was no longer screaming abuse at me every time I visited and was instead warm and jolly on three different occasions. Maybe the mirtazepine was kicking in. A really nice pychiatrist visited and my mother she will start on risperidone next week. Plus a psychiatric nurse had a good first visit with both my parents pleased to see her. So, we decided to do what has been impossible for almost two months and have my mother, plus my father who has moderate dementia and intermittent faecal incontinence to lunch today, a good visit when they also got to meet my daughter’s kittens. All seemed to go well but within an hour of them returning home it became Coear within an hour that after three hours absence she no longer recognized their flat as their home.she dressed and said she wanted to go home to the flat, in another country, which she last lived in 57 years ago and I needed to send a man to take her there. More torrents of abuse at what a terrible family would do this to her, ie dump her in a strange place. Plus my father had 3 episodes of incontinencre, mess everywhere at my home and theirs. Feels like taking them out does more harm than good but they were so happy when her. I’ve taken some diazepam, not that it really affects me, wish it did and live in hope it might some day. I suspect others have similar tales. Any advice appreciated x
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,623
    Female
    South coast
    Unfortunately, with dementia you often get to a stage where you cannot take them out of their care home - going back is frequently the trigger point. I got to the stage with mum when I could take her out to a cafe literally just up the road and be back within an hour, but eventually even that was too long.
    If the care home has a garden you could go out there and look around. Perhaps you could bring in ice lollies or cones to eat in the garden
     
  13. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    330 in the morning. My mum has fallen, ambulance there. Sadly I think that stage, of not being able to take her out, has been reached @canary Iceclollies in the garden sounds nice, I will try to hold onto that image as head to the hospital, thank you.
     
  14. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,926
    Female
    Dundee
    I hope your mum is ok @Trekker.
     
  15. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    Thanks, @Izzy In a&e now. She is delirious and hallucinating but not distressed. Waiting to see doctor- shift change just happening. My father at home, thankfully my brother just happened to be coming today to visit from Dorset. The cyclical nature of these episodes amd a&e visits is both exhausting and sureal.
     
  16. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,926
    Female
    Dundee
    An exhausting and worrying time for you all.
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,623
    Female
    South coast
    Just read this @Trekker
    Hope your mum is OK
     
  18. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    Suddenly very agitated, thinks she is in a church and sect are trying to indoctrinate her. Doctor talking about treating her delirium in the community. Not sure how that is going to work with her and confused incontinent father together, with her in this state.
     
  19. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    I’m inna bit of a state and just need to unload, sorry. My mum was admitted for two days delirious, hallucinating and delusional, very agitated, aggressive. Discharged late afternoon Wednesday much calmer but still confused. I am now 500 miles away in Edinburgh helping youngest daughter with new flat while my mother is once more aggressive and delusional and threatening my father physically of he does not call me. He wouldn’t say what the threat was with her standing there but on Monday she said she wanted to kill all my children so I would suffer and wished she had a bomb to kill everyone in the hospital. Psychiatric nurse had visited before this fully kicked off and found her delusional and agitated but decided no action needed. Is now going to go back with view to deciding whether to a. Readmit to hospital b. Increase risperidone. If she decides not to admit how is my father supposed to cope? She wants to call her 87 year old sister in another country so she can go love with her and her husband - he died 47 years ago. She will presumably keep going like this until she falls again, as she did Sunday night, or hurts him. Carers nice amd caring but not able to make these decisions. Another 2 day admission to a&e ward only likely to make worse but how can she stay at home like this? Sorry to go on but feel such fear and helplessness.
     
  20. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    33
    Female
    London
    Nurse has been. My mother watching tennis, my father says does not feelin danger. Has been told to press alarm button or leave flat is that changes. Risperidone dose doubling this evening. Fluctuating course of symptoms, changes happen fast. I hope the risperidone helps and weekend is calm.
     

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