How do we tell our Dad in care that his rented home needs to be given up?

[CharlieE]

Dear Fellow Forum Users
Any suggestions welcome to this family connundrum!
The landlord of Dad's rented house wants to sell up and besides, he is full time care now.
How would you suggest breaking the news to him that the Care Home (where he has been resident for approximately 3 months) is now his permanent home and that the rented house will shortly no longer be his to use? He is a very popular man in the community and is often taken out by friends and relations 2 or 3 times a week and this can sometimes involve a trip back to his rented house. In the future, when the house is sold, this will no longer be possible. Also how do we persuade him to part company with all the material stuff that won't fit into his room at the Care home?
Many thanks for any suggestions.
Charlie

 

[Beate]

Does he really need to know? Ignorance is bliss. Tell family and friends not to take him back to his house anymore - it's counterproductive to him settling in the home anyway. The care home is where he lives now. He does not need to be hit over the head with the truth so just don't mention the house and tell everyone else to do likewise.

 

[Banjomansmate]

The Banjoman has just moved from hospital straight into residential care and I have just given the required one month notice to end the tenancy on his rented flat. I am not sure how much he has taken on board but his brother has told him he will look after his possessions, some are going into temporary storage but the furniture will just have to go. I haven’t told him that yet. I pushed the fact that now he is in full time care he would be paying full cost of renting the property as he would lose the LA subsidy and quoted the full amount that he would have to pay for a couple of months rent and he agreed that that made no sense. As I hold LPA I have just had to go ahead and do it!
You at least have the perfect excuse in the fact that the landlord intends selling the property and therefore there is no other option than your Dad staying in residential care as there will be nowhere else for him to go. Still a difficult one for you to explain though.

 

[Sirena]

My mother lived in a rented flat for over 40 years, but last year she moved into a care home. I didn't tell her anything at all about what happened to her flat or her things, except for telling her a nice lady was looking after her cat. Her things were either kept, given to charity or taken by house clearance - I didn't even consider asking her what to do with it as it would have upset her. She didn't need to know about it, and would not have properly understood or remembered.

I agree with Beate it isn't a good idea to keep taking him back to his flat, that is his old life and his new life is at the care home. I would not tell him he is staying there forever, it may upset him, and anyway he may well forget and you will have to keep re-telling him (and risk upsetting him again). All he will understand is 'now'. So he if the subject arises, he is living there 'for now'. It's great he has so many visitors - he can still go out with his friends, just not to his old house. And ask them not to mention it, focus on other subjects and venues.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I wouldn't tell him. I would update those friends and relations who take him out and all of you stick to the same story only if he asks such as...the landlord is making repairs to the heating...roof...dry rot...whatever you feel is more plausible for him to accept and under no circumstances should they change the story you decide on. Only if he asks about going back to his flat...keep to the story and keep vague about his health...the dr wants you to be looked after here to get your strength back etc. As he declines his memory of his rented home will fade especially if he is not taken there which I think ahould probably be stopped anyway to help him to fully accept or adapt to the care home being his home now. As for his possessions...again if he doesn't mention them..if ypu are unable or unwilling...understandably..to store...dispose of anything not important and keep anything else in a cupboard or corner of a room at your house. I had to sell dad's house when he was in his NH and did the things I am suggesting.

 

[canary]

When mum went into her care home I had to sell her house and dispose of all her stuff. I didnt tell her any of this. I sold her house to someone she knew and on the one time she asked what had happened to her house I told her that this person was looking after it and she said she thought that was a good idea. It never came up again.

I never told her that she would be staying in her care home permanently either. I told her she was convalescing (it helped that she moved there after a hospital stay) and the doctor would say when she was well enough to go home (I knew full well that she was never going home). After a couple of months with no reminders of her old home, the care home became her home, although in her last months she again started saying that she wanted to go home, but this time "home" was her childhood home that didnt even exist any more.

There is no need to distress them with things that they cannot understand

 

[Rosettastone57]

When mum went into her care home I had to sell her house and dispose of all her stuff. I didnt tell her any of this. I sold her house to someone she knew and on the one time she asked what had happened to her house I told her that this person was looking after it and she said she thought that was a good idea. It never came up again.

I never told her that she would be staying in her care home permanently either. I told her she was convalescing (it helped that she moved there after a hospital stay) and the doctor would say when she was well enough to go home (I knew full well that she was never going home). After a couple of months with no reminders of her old home, the care home became her home, although in her last months she again started saying that she wanted to go home, but this time "home" was her childhood home that didnt even exist any more.

There is no need to distress them with things that they cannot understand

I can only echo what other posters have said . When my mother-in-law went into care last year, we never mentioned that we had to sell the house,nor the fact that we were disposing of her possessions . We just told her she would be able to return home when she was better ,the reality was she was never getting better.

In fact,she quickly stopped talking about the house, we never mentioned it and eventually, she only mentioned her house from 50 years ago. We just went along with it. Mentioning her recent home served no purpose in the end

 

[CharlieE]

So grateful to you all for taking the time to reply.
Lots of stuff around not telling him the truth. I was beaten by my father, the man in question, at the age of 4 for lying. At the age of 54 the terror of lying is still strong!
Love to all
Charlie

 

[love.dad.but..]

So grateful to you all for taking the time to reply.
Lots of stuff around not telling him the truth. I was beaten by my father, the man in question, at the age of 4 for lying. At the age of 54 the terror of lying is still strong!
Love to all
Charlie

It is understandable ... I was also bought up never to tell lies but dementia makes us all change our way of thinking into what would be kindest for our loved one and in my mind that was more important than worrying about the difficult emotions I felt. In some situations distraction or being vague or evasive can work but sometimes matters have to be tackled head on and I learnt very early on that love lies were much kinder than the brutal truth that my dad would not understand and would distress him. I don't think doing or saying things to our pwd that if they didn't have dementia we would ever need or imagine ouselves doing ever sits totally easily with any of us and it does take a shift of mindset to adjust but just as I never imagined having to give a very resistant dad intimate personal care...everything I had to do including telling love lies were for his benefit to try to make his dementia physical and mental well being in challenging stages as reasonable as it could be and at times less confrontational.

 

[canary]

I hate telling lies too and the first times I had to do it my heart was pounding so hard I was sure that mum would realise, but she didnt. Eventually i got quite blaze about it.

If it helps, I have heard of this technique being called "therapeutic untruths". Its not actually lying in the sense in which we usually mean it (telling untruths for our own benefit), but is entering their world and meeting them at the point of their need.