How do we persuade Mum to go into care ???

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Suzy R, Jul 5, 2004.

  1. Suzy R

    Suzy R Registered User

    Jul 4, 2004
    Thanks to those who replied to my query about assessment.

    Now on to the next problem. Dad has broached the subject of care with Mum as he just can't take any more and she has reacted pretty much as expected so he will probably back down.

    Does anyone have any ideas here ? She refuses to admit that she has a problem and says that she can take care of herself. She's been completely dependent on him for over four years now, although she's mobile (and wanders if given the chance)....
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    It is an awful thing to have to admit, but there comes a stage where it is not really up to the person with dementia whether or not they go into a care home.

    Frequently I have found that what they welcome is someone who will authoritatively - but kindly - simply tell them what is going to happen next. There is some relief in its being taken out of their hands and worry-zone.

    This may not be the situation for you and, at the time Jan was in your Mum's position, neither was it for me, so I'm a fine one to talk!

    There will come a stage, though, where the person will agree to do things that they are asked to do, regardless of whether they would have done so in the past. Perhaps it is a case of waiting for that stage, though whether your Dad can wait is another concern, of course!

    The way it was resolved for me was as part of the course of assessment. There were three assessment periods over about 18 months and, while Jan returned home after the first two, she did not after the third. She went for assessment with reluctance and fear, but with no fight. I wish she had, in a way, as it would have given me more excuse in justification. The worst time was, when driving her 25 miles to the hospital [on the same site where her home now also is], she turned to me as I drove her on the M3 and she said "is this far away enough for you to dump me now?" I don't think I ever felt as bad in my whole life.

    I'll always live with the mental scars of having not been able to continue caring for her. But that's the point, in a way. I WILL always live with those scars. Had she not gone from me, I probably wouldn't be here waffling away today.
  3. karen_white

    karen_white Registered User

    Apr 21, 2004
    Sorry to hear what Jan said Bruce, how upsetting.

    My story didn't have a happy ending either. My Mum cared for my Dad at home for 7 years and at times would refuse to talk about alternate car for Dad point blank. It became worse and worse and now when we look back I'm sure the last 2 years must have shaved a few years off my Mum's life and she is 11 years younger than my Dad. It was a hard time for all the family so can relate to all the emotions you must be going through.

    In the end it was taken out of my Mum, and Dads hands. Dad was becoming worse and at home and Mum could not provide the kind of care Dad needed in his changing condition. We would all be in tears at times and even Dad felt the strain as he knew something was going on.

    Mum was close to a breakdown when we had to intervene. As a family (siblings) we got together on a Monday evening to discuss what we could do for Dad and how we could work together. Coming home to see Mum...but 8.30 we called the hospital and got in touch with the ward nurse on the mental health ward. They had been watching Dad's case for a few months (we'd been back and forth altogether as a family - they knew us all). They had been waiting for our call for weeks and arranged for Dad to go in that night!!! I will never forget his face when Mum said that she would be following him to the hospital in another car (she stayed at home) he talked about Mum all the way and knew something was wrong. He fought to get out of the car at the hospital and nurses came to help. I have never cried so much in my life.

    We also assumed it was respite for mum (she had always refused it) so that she could recover and look after Dad again...he never came home :(

    Like Bruce, I urge you to get some help from someone who your Dad will listen too. Can your GP, Consultant, Social Services help. I would hate you to get to a stage where the decision is taken out of your hands. It's so upsetting for everyone and the more support you can get at this point the better.

    Keep talking to us all and let us know how it goes.

    take care
  4. Suzy R

    Suzy R Registered User

    Jul 4, 2004
    Thanks Bruce and Karen.

    I too am so sorry to hear of your experiences Bruce. It must be extra hard to have to see this terrible illness develop in your wife or husband.

    I have to say that my Grandfather died from complications relating to what is now known as Alzheimer's in rather the same way as Karen's Father, so when my Mother started to get ill, we new what we were seeing.

    I was rather wondering if the denial is typical and if things were different maybe Mum could stay home for longer - although of course she never remembers that someone's done something for her or if she's had some problem or other. I take your point that at some stage she won't be able to resist but I'm not sure if this will be in six months or in six years as physically she's in many ways very fit, certainly much healthier (and younger) than Dad.
    If she were still okay, I know she'd be the first to consider Dad which is what is so upsetting.

    Is it really likely that the GP would step-in on Dad's behalf ? I certainly have nothing to contribute to the situation as if I press his case we are accused of ganging-up on her and any decision we were able to agree with her would be forgotten in a matter of minutes in any case. For this very reason, I would have rather not even told her what we are considering until we had a clear plan of action, as you said 'tell her what happens next', but Dad always feels he must include her at every stage and rather jumped the gun.

    I have to say that I did put her name down this morning for a local care home just in case, and they told me that they may have a vacancy in a month or so, which should give me time to get some leave and come and check the place out.......
  5. karen_white

    karen_white Registered User

    Apr 21, 2004
    It's good that you've made efforts to get something in place for your Mum.

    I'm sure your GP wouldn't think you're ganging up on your Mother. The rights ones can be very sensitive.

    Dad's Doctors at the hospital were wonderfully considerate as we are a close knit family and we all still constantly visit Dad. I think having some support outside of the family would benefit you greatly.
  6. Geraldine

    Geraldine Registered User

    Oct 17, 2003

    I'm sure your GP won't think that you are ganging up. I was in a slightly different position in that Mum and I had the same GP but I always felt that she was looking after me as much as Mum. In fact when I went to see her when Mumwas in hospital prior to going in the home she said that I had done all I could and now it was time for the medics to take their turn.

    In rare moments of lucidity Mum would say that it was time to look for somewhere. I'm afraid I have never had the courage to explain to Mum where exactly she is and that she will not be coming home, I just say it is a little hospital where you do not have to stay in bed (she is in the advanced stages and thinks she is anywhere from still being in the army, to a pub, to work at a party....)

    I felt so sad when I read Brucie's comments, Mum still sometimes says I bet you are glad I am poorly so i don't have to live with you anymore. If only she knew,

    It is a difficult time, but well done for putting Mum's name down, I felt a huge sense of relief when we made calls to go and look at homes and then made the decison which one,

  7. Suzy R

    Suzy R Registered User

    Jul 4, 2004
    Thanks again everyone.

    Dad spoke yesterday with his GP who was none too positive but was kind enough to point out that if Mum refuses point-blank then we can't make her go into care.

    Makes me wonder what would happen when he really no longer is capable or even turns his toes up.

    Can anyone tell me what an EMI rating is ? Would it be the case that a home must be specially registered for Alzheimer's care and this it what it means ?
  8. susan

    susan Registered User

    Aug 18, 2003
    east sussex
    Dear Susie
    We went through this scenario 4 years ago next week - mum could not cope with Dad anymore and Dad's GP was not able to do anything as whenever anyone came to the house he seemed to be totally focussed. In the end i kept a diary of happenings and after 2 weeks we were given the option of having Dad sectioned as he was becoming a danger to himself and others because of his aggressive behaviour along with wandering at night. It was a huge decision but at the time it was Dad or Mum - she was exhausted and at the end of her tether.
    We did go down this pathway - by no means easy, in fact it was heart breaking seeing my Dad taken from the family home knowing he would not return. He spent a year in hospital and is now in a lovely nursing home - sadly almost bedridden and totally in communicado - but he is still my Dad.
    I know this is not easy to take in but then anything to do with AD is painful - but you have to do what is right for your family and circumstances.
    I had not logged into this site during this time - i wish i had known about it then.
    All the best Sue

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