How do I work and look after my husband ?

[MugginsNet]

Hi there,
I am increasingly worried about leaving my husband who is, I think in early stages of Alzheimers, not sure as no one seems to explain.
i have to work, he gets a full pension, but is in debt for 30 thousand, I receive a small gov pension , so I need to keep working.
i am really not happy to leave him and our dear little dog, if i work, i have to leave before he gets up, and am increasingly worrying as to what's going on at home, it's that uncertainly, most of the time he just sits, and looks at nothing and smiles, he does drive to local shop to buy the paper. . . .I'm not going to ramble on.
What am I going to do when i have to keep cancelling work as i'm worried about him, I really need to keep working to pay for all the bills coming in, and I get no help from my husband, i am jolly tired too, actually i am stressed.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome @MugginsNet

I have no idea how you deal with this but reading your post made me feel as helpless as you feel now.

I can only suggest you ask for professional advice.

Please contact the helpline

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Also see if you can make a face to face appointment with AgeUK

Money and legal advice for seniors | Age UK

Age UK money and legal hub covers a range of money-saving tips including how to claim benefits, advice on debts, helpful pension calculators and more. Read now.

www.ageuk.org.uk

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi there @MugginsNet welcome to the forum.

I’m not surprised you’re stressed. I had to cut back on work to deal with the demands dementia put on our family and it’s not easy.

Have you checked if you’re getting all the benefits your husband is entitled to? Attendance allowance isn’t means tested and your husband will also be entitled to a council tax disregard.

Are there any day centres available in your area which your husband could attend on your working days? Or Mens sheds?

I’m glad you’ve found us. Hopefully Others will be along soon with more suggestions

 

[Mr.A]

Seems to me that your biggest worry is the debt by the very fact that you have disclosed how much this is.. Follow the advice you've been given and get that sorted first.

 

[canary]

Hello @MugginsNet

You are going to need professional help. Please contact Social Services for a needs assessment for your husband. They can organise things like day care or even a carer popping in during the day to check up on him.

Can you arrange to see someone about the debt? There are various charities who will advise and help.

Also, it is not clear to me whether you actually have a diagnosis. If not, please contact your GP

 

[Izzy]

I agree that you need to get a diagnosis for your husband.

It also sounds as if you need to consider professional care. This might be of help -

Assessment for care and support in England

What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[MugginsNet]

Hi, many thanks for responses, husband has got diagnosis.
Debt is being paid back to a company called Payplan, 48 years to back, so he won't see the end of that.
I cannot get Council Tax help as the house is mine, not his, and he pays nothing towards it or any bills.
As i posted a while back before, we are not close, and I was thinking of divorce or something before his diagnosis, then this was dropped on me, i do not want to be a carer, i have the greatest admiration for all you wonderful people who are carers, but really it won't do him any good or me.
divorce is not an option, as I now realize that I would loose half my house to him, as he has nothing, even though it is completely in my name. I am trying to have us live apart, i am waiting for social services housing to get back to me, heaven knows when that will be. In the meantime I am having panic attacks, loosing weight, etc, etc, i am not happy in my life, he's saying that he will get in his car, with our dear little dog and take off, he's said this to the mental health nurse, if he goes off, then that's his problem, but not take my dear little dog, she means everything to me and him, but hes not aware of her needs, so i have this worry over my head also. My doctor has put me on antidepressants.
This is all nothing new to all of you wonderful carers about how life is with alzheimers, but i feel I've done my caring for my. . .not his, 4 children, and looking after autistic children and also my elderly parents till they passed, I was about to make my bid for freedom, enjoy my children and grandchildren, till the diagnosis.
How can I work and look after him?
and unfortunately he is not the sort of man to want to go to a day centre or shed, but thankyou for the idea, i do take him to dementia walking football, which he loves, he used, in his life before me an almost pro, but i know nothing of football, and he sort of turns into someone i do not recognise when with this group !
sorry , rant over !

 

[Violet Jane]

The Council Tax discounts / exemptions for 'Severe Mental Impairment' are not means-tested and I don't think that it matters who owns the house. They are different to Council Tax Benefit or whatever it's called now.

Your husband may be able to get Attendance Allowance which, again, is not means-tested.

I appreciate that you want to live apart from your husband. Have you received legal advice that it is likely that you would lose half of your house if you divorced? That might not be the case if the marriage is a relatively short one.

Someone - a paid carer, a befriender or a friend - popping in once a day might be a short term solution to alleviating your anxiety about leaving your husband during the day.

 

[Baker17]

Hi, many thanks for responses, husband has got diagnosis.
Debt is being paid back to a company called Payplan, 48 years to back, so he won't see the end of that.
I cannot get Council Tax help as the house is mine, not his, and he pays nothing towards it or any bills.
As i posted a while back before, we are not close, and I was thinking of divorce or something before his diagnosis, then this was dropped on me, i do not want to be a carer, i have the greatest admiration for all you wonderful people who are carers, but really it won't do him any good or me.
divorce is not an option, as I now realize that I would loose half my house to him, as he has nothing, even though it is completely in my name. I am trying to have us live apart, i am waiting for social services housing to get back to me, heaven knows when that will be. In the meantime I am having panic attacks, loosing weight, etc, etc, i am not happy in my life, he's saying that he will get in his car, with our dear little dog and take off, he's said this to the mental health nurse, if he goes off, then that's his problem, but not take my dear little dog, she means everything to me and him, but hes not aware of her needs, so i have this worry over my head also. My doctor has put me on antidepressants.
This is all nothing new to all of you wonderful carers about how life is with alzheimers, but i feel I've done my caring for my. . .not his, 4 children, and looking after autistic children and also my elderly parents till they passed, I was about to make my bid for freedom, enjoy my children and grandchildren, till the diagnosis.
How can I work and look after him?
and unfortunately he is not the sort of man to want to go to a day centre or shed, but thankyou for the idea, i do take him to dementia walking football, which he loves, he used, in his life before me an almost pro, but i know nothing of football, and he sort of turns into someone i do not recognise when with this group !
sorry , rant over !

@MugginsNet i would just like to confirm that I own the house and we got the 25% council tax disregard or whatever it’s called

 

[annieka 56]

Hi there,
I am increasingly worried about leaving my husband who is, I think in early stages of Alzheimers, not sure as no one seems to explain.
i have to work, he gets a full pension, but is in debt for 30 thousand, I receive a small gov pension , so I need to keep working.
i am really not happy to leave him and our dear little dog, if i work, i have to leave before he gets up, and am increasingly worrying as to what's

going on at home, it's that uncertainly, most of the time he just sits, and looks at nothing and smiles, he does drive to local shop to buy the paper. . . .I'm not going to ramble on.
What am I going to do when i have to keep cancelling work as i'm worried about him, I really need to keep working to pay for all the bills coming in, and I get no help from my husband, i am jolly tired too, actually i am stressed.

Very hard indeed and I really feel for you.
8 years ago I was in a very similar position.
I had just got the best job I ever had when it all started to unravel with my husband.
I got a different job near home, then another one part time near home then ended up not working at all 6 years before pension age.
Oh he found a new outlet when I was at work of going to a Ladbrokes and using his credit cards to the max so I identify with you in terms of the debts.
I have no real answer to your question but I just know it is really horrible and unfair.
You should just try to get a handle on his finances and separate yours from his if you can. Can you get him to put his debts into the hands of a debt management agency?
I would separate anything I could in joint names - I did this, joint mortgage though.
Try to keep your credit score as good as it can be.
Good luck

 

[MugginsNet]

Hi,
have had it from a solicitor that he would be entitled to half the house, considering how long he has lived here, even though he has not paid for anything, and the fact he has nothing, except a car.
Fortunately, we have completely different bank accounts, so no cross over !
Unfortunately we don't have a relationship with neighbours who would pop in, but thank you for the idea.
It is so hard to say 'no, i do not want to be a carer' than slip into being one, it is a battle every inch, and I feel really bad about it, guilt.
Close the discussion i think, thank you all for your input, xx

 

[try again]

I would be concerned about him still driving.

 

[Dutchman]

Hi there,
I am increasingly worried about leaving my husband who is, I think in early stages of Alzheimers, not sure as no one seems to explain.
i have to work, he gets a full pension, but is in debt for 30 thousand, I receive a small gov pension , so I need to keep working.
i am really not happy to leave him and our dear little dog, if i work, i have to leave before he gets up, and am increasingly worrying as to what's going on at home, it's that uncertainly, most of the time he just sits, and looks at nothing and smiles, he does drive to local shop to buy the paper. . . .I'm not going to ramble on.
What am I going to do when i have to keep cancelling work as i'm worried about him, I really need to keep working to pay for all the bills coming in, and I get no help from my husband, i am jolly tired too, actually i am stressed.

Hi there,

Just come across your post. Sooner rather than later you need to visit the CAB - citizens advice bureau, and get some professional advice from them. They will advise you and put you in touch with someone who’s used to this. Needn’t cost you any extra. Make an appointment tomorrow.

You need a carers assessment urgently from the council - phone immediately ( do it tomorrow morning) and talk to your bank and any other creditors you may have.

You need to have your will in order ( amend it so no money to go to your husband otherwise it’ll go to the care home on your death so give to children or charity ) , Do a power of attorney for you and your husband so you can act on his behalf.
Sorry, you may have done all this but it’s worth repeating.

 

[canary]

Never, never feel guilty @MugginsNet . It is very, very easy to slide into caring, so if you dont want to do this (and who can blame you) and you dont have support from family or friends (who often disappear), then you will have to get professional help.

You havent mentioned about carers popping in to check he is OK, so I just thought I would point out that your money would not be used for this at all. He would be financially assessed on his own money only, and, as he has none, would be fully funded by Social Services.