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How do I un-see what I saw..... sorry but it is upsetting.


Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
Maureen, I agree with others that you must be able to share your feelings and experiences - otherwise what are we all here for? And as Tin says, you did give a warning in the thread title.

Another way of looking at it ( for me anyway), is that knowing how bad things can get, makes me appreciate the abilities that my mum has now. Every cup of tea we drink together, every wonky 'square' we knit, every jumbled conversation, is a bonus :)

So I would thank you for helping me to appreciate that :) And I'm glad you feel a little better today.

Take care of your self :)

Lindy xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
I felt like you when I sawmy husband. I tormented myself by taking photos too. However when he died I deleted all those dreadful photos, and over the weeks since his death the images have faded andi now. Only see him as he was when he had good health.

I am lucky this has happened forme andi hope in time these images will fade for you too.


Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
I hope nobody thought I was complaining, I wasn't craigmaid I hope all these lovely people made you feel better, the truth is heartbreaking,


Registered User
Aug 4, 2013
Ashbourne, Derbyshire
I know exactly how you feel, Maureen, sometimes the pictures in my mind won't go away, so as someone suggested I keep a photo of better times near by. It helps a little.



Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
North East England
Of course Jeany wasn't complaining...she, and all of you have given me such wonderful support and I thank you each and every one of you.
I made a point of learning as much about this illness and how it affected Mum, and because I am usually so strong about doing all the hands on care and the psychological stuff as a rule, I think I was simply blindsided by a sight I didn't expect to see as I walked through her door. I went in, expecting to talk about the new baby great grandchildren, and was met by such a sad reminder of the other end of life.

I hope that I can support all, who in their turn need the virtual support that being a member of TP brings and again...Thank You.x.x.:)


Registered User
Aug 13, 2014
Oh, how awful I do feel for you. I often struggle to get sad images out of my head of my Dad, sometimes I can and other times it just overwhelms you.
Try and think of some good times you had together. My Dad had a wonderful sense of humour so I try and think of things that made him (and me) laugh.
Thinking of you. x


Registered User
Dec 13, 2011
It's been a long time since I came on here. In the beginning I needed to know I was not alone and needed information.
I am now a long way down the road and am the same as others I have memories that I don't want. My dad fell a few weeks ago again and I spent the night in A & E with him. I made my mum stay at home because I couldn't cope with her as well as him. She lives with us and takes sleeping tablets. I knew that a 96 yr old with Dementia and head wound plus a 95 yr old on sleeping tablets was too much. Lol I have often helped dad in the nursing home with toileting but standing on my own in the hospital holding a cardboard container for him while he we'd nearly did me in.
I have to think that my dad would be so pleased to know that I help him rather than others.
My husband has lost his parents and tells me that the memories do fade and now he remembers them in the good times. I hope this will happen for all of us in the end x


Registered User
Mar 16, 2013
Maureen, I wish I could take away those images for you. This time last year I was with with my terminally ill 'Sis'. I too saw things that I will never totally forget. They were so shocking. A year on, I can still see them but they are not so vivid and shocking though still upsetting. I can now also see in my mind times from when she was better. I can see her face, hear her laughter and know that I did my very best for her, as you are doing for your Mum. Thinking of you. xx


Registered User
Apr 28, 2012
How I try to block out the "bad visions"

I regularly try to block out the disturbing visions of my dad. How I do it is I have a folder of photos of dad (both in computer and some printed) from when I was a child to a couple of years ago (he is 85 and I am 59). I look at him when he was happy and before his dementia changed him dramatically, when he was a regular weight, smiling, looking smart and how I want to remember him. It helps me a lot, especially this week when I have the awful vision in my head of dad black and blue, stitches in his head and hand, eye swollen shut, totally black front of neck, unable to wear his glasses without which he is almost blind (glaucoma and catarracts) and zoned out on painkillers. Dad falls a lot to explain his injuries. I have a photo of me dancing with him on his 82nd birthday with a big smile on both our faces - remembering the man he was helps me cope with the man I see now. Hope this helps x.


Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
South Gloucs
I will never forget the first time I took my dad to the toilet - previously a modest, shy man, he dropped his trousers and underwear in front of me with no trace of reluctance whatsoever. I saw for the first time that he was wearing an incontinence pad (by this time he'd been in care for a year or so) and it was soiled. It was shocking.

I don't know how to explain it but as the time has gone on the image has become less shocking - I don't really know why, because when I think about it, it's as clear now as it was then. But it is tempered by past happy memories from before dad was in care, and happy times when he was there.

I do have former colleagues - all of whom are therapists (very handy!) - and two of them are specialists in trauma (mainly PTSD but other things too) and there are techniques you can do yourself, or be taught, to help your mind cope with distressing images. I think it takes practice and I don't know much more about it but I'd be pleased to find out if anyone is interested


Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
North East England
I have been so boosted by everyone's support....thank you.:D

I suppose the image is shrinking in my mind and yet, of course, the minute I step back into her room it comes straight back. Yesterday she had spilled her cup of tea ( stone cold fortunately) all over her clean, brand new PJs.
She is refusing to take her meds, yesterday she'd refused personal care. I think she may be getting another UTI but her pads are constantly soiled, so identifying it is a problem.
Therefore she was snippy and spikey.......believe it or not, I went home to do the ironing out of choice:eek::eek::rolleyes::D


Registered User
Oct 29, 2011
The sight which greeted me yesterday, I want to un-see it. I can't face closing my eyes because the image is there. The tears well up and fall down my face.

I went into Mum's room yesterday mid-morning, the door as always was open. Mum was sitting on the side of her bed half naked. The image I saw was remarkably similar to those of the concentration camp victims. Skin, bone and no flesh to pad out the frame. She was clawing at her back with filthy nails.

I dusted her back very lightly with talc( I know that too much can irritate) and put her a clean pyjama top on and asked one of the carers to come in to change her wet pad. The soiled and wet pad was changed and she was washed, dried and creamed. She had a dry pad and clean PJ bottoms put on and I strugled to fit a pair of socks over her swollen feet, cutting the elastic and the insteps to get them over her ankles. Her bed was stripped, wiped and remade freshly.

I don't blame the girls for the state Mum was in. I know she was changed at breakfast time. I know that her hands get washed. I cut her nails as short as I can, but they grow so quickly, however she eats with her hands and of course she scratches at her skin and her nether regions. Her drawer was a bit light on clean laundry so I presumed that her soft top socks were being washed.

When I left the home, I went straight away and bought her some new socks, and I bought small man's size 6-8 because they will be more roomy than ladies' socks. I also managed to get some velcro slippers so that she might be able to wear them.

I had ordered new PJs but my supplier has just rung to say they are out of stock.

She weighs roughly 6 stones now....about 5 stones less than she did two and a half years ago. She is doubly incontinent. Her skin is so dry it is flaking. She is constantly scratching, sometimes softly sometimes not. I suppose that is down to her liver breaking up. She can only weight bear if she is helped. Her legs are bruised and scabbed from where they collide with the table leg, or even from her rubbing or scratching. I think that she is only here because she takes most of her Ensure milkshake drink and her occasional one slice of bread bacon sandwich!

I can cope with all the practical things.........but how can I un-see that image?
Hello this might help it worked for me, to un see the image close your eyes and think of your Mum when she is happy healthy and laughing, then see the awful vision now imagine a hot air balloon just hovering waiting visualise the awful image and place it in the hot air balloon in the basket now let the basket go watch the hot air ballon carry it away, open your eyes ok now close them and now think of that beautiful image thats the one to think of whenever you think of your Mum see the happy healthy smiling one.