How do I tell my Dad his sister died

[cheryl k]

What is the best way to tell my Dad his sister died. My Aunt was 2 years older than my died and recently died. We just found out and how should we tell him? I have noticed that when his brother-in-law died this summer it was hard for him to comprehend. Any suggestions would help -- planning on telling him in person next week when we take him out for dinner.

Thanks in advance

Cheryl

 

[Grannie G]

Do you really need to tell him cheryl? Does your dad see his sister regularly? Is she someone he might ask for?

If your dad has been ill for a while and his sister has been ill too, it`s likely they might not have seen each other for a while. If thats the case, and it can be avoided, why upset him.

If you do have to tell him, the last place I`d choose would be a public place.

 

[meme]

I am not sure anything would be gained by telling him...and definately not when you are out somewhere......might it be ok and kinder to say nothing..

 

[RobinH]

bad news

I agree it would be best not to tell him. If you did, he may get upset, but not remember. Then what - tell him again and again? That's just cruel.

 

[rajahh]

I agree with all comments. I would never tell my husband if any of his brothers died.

Jeannette

 

[Noorza]

I agree with all comments. I would never tell my husband if any of his brothers died.

Jeannette

I'm with everyone else, don't tell him.

 

[Wildflower]

My dad has a sister who is two years older. If she dies before him I won't be telling him, it would serve no purpose. I don't think you should tell your dad, and certainly not when you are out having dinner, just enjoy the meal out.

 

[jimbo 111]

This is part of an article in “;My Aging Parent- helping you to help them “

It is an organisation that has much useful advice to people having to deal with ageing parents
jimbo 111

Caring for a parent with dementia


For my father, it was almost a wave-like pattern, when he might have days when he was completely lucid and others when he was living forty years previously I had conversations with him when he told me he had just been on a train with his brother (who had been dead ten years by then) and others when he was in an entirely different country I would keep up the conversation as if I was living in the same era as well. It seemed a shame to contradict him and in particular, I did not want to have to tell him again that certain siblings were dead For him, it would have been bereavement all over again -

See more at: http://www.myageingparent.com/caring-for-a-parent-with-dementia/#sthash.oHjfvBK5.dpuf

 

[cheryl k]

Thank you everyone so much for your thoughtful suggestions. I was rattled when I made mention that we would tell him about his sister in a public place, I was going to tell him in his room at the CH.

When Dad hashis good days he has made me promise him to tell him about his sister. Dad and his brother were very protective of their sister, her husband died 40 years ago and helped her. I know I promised him which is where the guilt lies, but I din't want him to fret about it. She also had alzheimer's and this summer when the brothers visited she did not know them. Dad told me he wanted to know so he had peace of mind that she was with the Lord.

Thanks everyone, I have alot to think about.

Cheryl

 

[rajahh]

well if he has expressed such a wish tell him once, and say the words that he wants to hear YOUR SISTER IS WITH THE LORD. Then hopefully you will not have to say it again.

 

[cheryl k]

well if he has expressed such a wish tell him once, and say the words that he wants to hear YOUR SISTER IS WITH THE LORD. Then hopefully you will not have to say it again.

Thanks rajahh

Cheryl

 

[CollegeGirl]

You know your dad best, Cheryl, and if he has specifically expressed a wish to know then I think you should honour that and tell him. I know it will be upsetting for you both; I can only suggest you prepare him by saying something like you have just had some sad news but you think he would want to know, sit him down, hold his hands and tell him gently that his sister has passed away and is now at peace with the Lord, the words he used himself, as Jeannette said.

He is likely to forget again so you may need to have something prepared for if and when he asks again - otherwise it will be like the first time all over again, which I'm sure you will want to avoid.

Best wishes xx

 

[cheryl k]

You know your dad best, Cheryl, and if he has specifically expressed a wish to know then I think you should honour that and tell him. I know it will be upsetting for you both; I can only suggest you prepare him by saying something like you have just had some sad news but you think he would want to know, sit him down, hold his hands and tell him gently that his sister has passed away and is now at peace with the Lord, the words he used himself, as Jeannette said.

He is likely to forget again so you may need to have something prepared for if and when he asks again - otherwise it will be like the first time all over again, which I'm sure you will want to avoid.

Best wishes xx

Thanks College Girl

Good advice appreciate it

Cheryl

 

[meme]

as to that promise...you could tell him if he asks a direct question about her...and or you could also tell him she is with the Lord once only....

 

[craftyviola]

I would just point out that my Mum regularly asks if her own mother (who died 26 years ago) is still alive? Also two of my brothers have died (one 30 years ago and another 5 years ago) and she also asks how they are. In each case I just say "they are fine" and the subject is instantly forgotten. I really can't see the point of telling the truth as it would no doubt cause distress (then be forgotten anyway) I hope this helps you make up your mind?

 

[Noorza]

well if he has expressed such a wish tell him once, and say the words that he wants to hear YOUR SISTER IS WITH THE LORD. Then hopefully you will not have to say it again.

Beautifully suggested Raj.

 

[cheryl k]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful suggestions. I will tell Dad this week that his sister is now with the Lord. Dad's faith is strong and it shows in many different ways even with alzheimer's. I may have to repeat it every once in awhile, but I do not mind that. I will feel that I have kept my promise to my Dad which is important even with alzheimer's.

Everyone has been tremendous, thanks again.

Cheryl

 

[beatrice]

Hello,

Having had to tell my father last week that my mother has recently died - i received some great advice to take hm out to tell him as i didn't want to leave him with the nagging feeling that something sad had happened in his home. So i took him to the local park and told him there as we watched the ducks swimming.

Now i have the ordeal that he wants to go to the funeral and i don't know what to do about that really. Good luck in delivering the news. Have hugs and a plentiful supply of distracting conversation.

B

 

[marsaday]

Just our experiences:

My Dad died this summer. Didn't tell Mum as she had been in care facility for over 6 months and no longer referred to him and had no contact. (Bad relationship).It felt odd, though somehow right. She still hasn't mentioned him since.

MIL died suddenly from cancer several years ago. FIL a few years into ALZ but still living at home with her so he knew. He attended the funeral and seemed to understand and it was right for him. He did then start to ask where she was from time to time and we just said she had gone shopping, back soon etc. He stopped mentioning her as he deteriorated and went into a home.

Mum's sister died shortly before her diagnosis. She has never forgotten that she died, attended funeral as normal.

Your Dad is already in a care home so perhaps you could not tell him-but if he still has his lucid moments then go with the gently/gently approach. He will probably soon forget anyway and you'll be able to use an excuse like- gone on holiday.