How do I persuade mum to see a doctor?

[kandeg]

Mum's a widow in her 70's and had a stroke a couple of years ago, which has left her with some memory issues.

At the time, the doctors didn't mention the term dementia, but it has got a lot, lot worse.

She now forgets what she did or said a minute ago, and does/says it again; gets lost in familiar surroundings; gets angry and frustrated easily; accuses us of losing or misplacing things if she can't find them. She can remember things that happened years ago, but not what she did a minute ago. Her driving is erratic (scary!!), and she's becoming obsessive about things like going back to check she locked the door.

She know's something is very wrong, but no matter how I suggest it, she refuses to see a doctor. I know she's scared - for that matter, so am I!

Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks.

 

[Witzend]

Oh, dear, Kandeg, this all sounds so typical - I do feel for you.

Can you tell your mother that it's just a routine check-up for anyone over the age of (insert whatever sounds right)? And that the doctor has asked to see her? Or have you tried that? I know how incredibly difficult it can be.
But the driving bit is particularly worrying. Can you have a word with the GP in private?

My mother was obsessive about locking doors etc too - it got to the stage where even when I'd gone round everything with her - windows, doors, gas etc. - and ticked it all off on a checklist, she'd still start fretting half a mile down the road and I'd have to take her home.
In the end I stopped even trying to take her out - it was just too wearying.

 

[floyd]

Sadly Kandeg your story sounds all too familiar to me. My Mum was widowed at 61 and 5 years later doctors diagnosed her dementia as depression. It took about 3 years to get the correct diagnosis - All that time there were many rows with Mum; she refused to believe she was depressed and didn't recognise that her behaviour was out of character.
I eventually went to speak to the doctor on my own, banged my fists (literally) on the desk and demanded a brain scan for Mum. I told my Mum this was to check for mini-strokes. This she seemed to accept as she saw it as something 'medical' which could be treated as opposed to dementia, which for the older generation is far more frightening. I continued to tell Mum that she'd had little strokes (which was the truth) and that her medication would make her feel better (which the Aricept did for my mum).
I feel for you whole-heartedly. It is such a difficult time and I would like to say it gets better- it is just made a little easier when you have the correct diagnosis and you can find the right support for your Mum & for YOU!!
Take care

 

[kandeg]

Thank you both, for taking the time to reply.

It's hard to know whether the strange behavior is stress/depression related or dementia. I'm afraid of getting it wrong . When she had her stroke a couple of years ago, I believed she was deteriorating, but although scans showed signs of brain damage, the medical profession didn't seem worried.

 

[Clementine]

I ask myself exactly the same question, has our Mum's dementia been hastened by depression. With hindsight, I wish we would have insisted with her GP to prescribe her antidepressants, at least to give it a try. But everytime she saw him she was happy and positive and never admitted to having depressions.


You could tell your Mum, that her GP wants to see her for a routine check up, we did that several times with Mum and everytime she was quite flattered to be asked!

 

[andrean]

I can relate to this: mum definitely has dementia but refuses to see a doctor (not helped by dad being completely anti any kind of 'conventional' medicine and convinced all doctors are selling snake oil...)
Just a comment on the driving front: We had this problem with mum. She was still driving, convinced she was fine, I was convinced she was a menace. In the end we totted up how much it was costing to run the car for the relatively small amount she used it, and she was completely shocked (we may have exaggerated the figures slightly...). We also had long talks about alternatives she could use if she wanted to go somewhere, and in the end we prevailed, luckily before she killed anyone. Don't know if this might work for you?

 

[Witzend]

Just a comment on the driving front: We had this problem with mum. She was still driving, convinced she was fine, I was convinced she was a menace. In the end we totted up how much it was costing to run the car for the relatively small amount she used it, and she was completely shocked (we may have exaggerated the figures slightly...). We also had long talks about alternatives she could use if she wanted to go somewhere, and in the end we prevailed, luckily before she killed anyone. ?

My mother gave up her car voluntarily at around 80, increasingly nervous in traffic and worried about causing an accident.
We kept telling her over and over how much she was going to save and how many taxis she could take for what it had cost to run a car.
But she never took any - IMO a 'thrift generation' thing - looking on them as a wanton extravagance. Relied on us for going shopping etc, wouldn't use buses. Looking back I can't help wondering whether being cooped up in the house so much (though she was never one for going out a lot anyway) helped to contribute to onset of AD. :-(

 

[FifiMo]

If it was me, I would get a diary and for the next few weeks write down all the incidents and background information about the challenges that your mum is facing right now. I would then write to her GP and copy the contents of the diary into the letter. I would send it registered post to her GP and give them your contact details and ask for an urgent discussion. Make sure you tell them about her driving and say that if nothing is done and she has an accident or harms another person with her driving, that you will be pointing the powers that be in the GP's direction for an explanation!

As to the driving itself, disconnect the battery (or remove it even). When the car doesn't start, tell her you will get it towed to the garage for her. Then tell her some colossal sum that its going to cost to get the car fixed. Or tell her it will take weeks to get sorted out in the hope she will forget about it. It is important that you do this as your mum could not only harm herself but could kill someone else through erratic driving and where would you all be then?

The saying "There are none so blind as those who will not see" comes to mind regarding your mum. If she is blind to the problems she is having then unfortunately you're going to have to do her "seeing" for her for everyone's best interests.

Fiona
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