How do I let him know?

Thorn1979

Registered User
Mar 17, 2009
5
0
Worcester
Hi all, I'm a newbie.

My dad is a very active, independent 82. He's always had a rubbish memory but recently this has been combined with belligerence, petulance, stubbornness and plain old stupidity. He does stuff like put buns in the microwave "to warm them" and then leaves them in there for 20 minutes (he almost burnt the house down last time), or wears two watches ("one of them is wrong but I can't remember which") or two pairs of glasses one on top of the other (he has dry macular degeneration and tunnel vision so his sight isn't great anyway, and he is partly deaf).

I think it may well be the onset of some type of dementia. Dad is fit for his age, and he teaches fencing (runs a club on saturdays and takes private lessons at home). If he had to give this up he would be very depressed - when he's not fencing he is bored witless and I can't help but feel this would make things worse.

Thing is, I am not sure how I can get him to acknowledge he has a problem. I can't very well say "Dad, you're demented, go and see the GP". Can I speak to the GP confidentially and tell them what I think? And then them offer to run some tests next time he has an appointment?

I don't drive, and I work full-time so getting him there is problematic - he is happy to take himself off wherever with his bus pass, he's not that far gone that this is dangerous.

I don't earn enough for a place of my own, so I live at home with dad where I grew up. My younger brother (28) recently went away for a year travelling, and he doesn't know how I feel about dad being ill - I didn't want to ruin his trip. I do have my boyfriend staying here with me, and he is unemployed atm so spends more time with dad than I do. Dad's behaviour can be so frustratingly child-like that it's put a lot of strain on us and I worry about that too. We both look after dad but it can be fairly thankless when you've just hoovered the house and he wanders around eating a bun with no plate, bun hanging at his side, crumbs everywhere, just wandering around picking things up and putting them down elsewhere, or sitting there clicking his feet together.. aaargh!

Rant over. Any advice anyone?
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
Welcome to TP .

Sorry to read what is happing to your father


Can I speak to the GP confidentially and tell them what I think? And then them offer to run some tests next time he has an appointment?

Seem every area is different.

In my area ( post code ) its all change, we can talk out are concerns with a social worker that work for the elderly that can call out the memory nurse to do an assessment in the person home.

You could talk to your father doctor, but just wondering

do you and your father have the same doctor ?

does your local authority have a social worker for the elderly ?
 

ellystokes1980

Registered User
Feb 9, 2009
41
0
when i first had concerns about gran i initially saw her gp who made notes on the file & then i phoned her the gp & they sent the duty dr out. between us we managed to get her to think that i knew nothing about the visit & that its something they do when they havent seen an elderly patient for a while.

she accepted this quite happily, and merrily chatted away to him for an hour. (luckily) she showed all her worst 'habits' and he was able to identify that there was a need for further tests.

we have the same pct so hopefully the surgeries will work the same way, but even if they wont send someone out to begin with, if you shout enough, eventually they wont have a choice.

elly
 

Thorn1979

Registered User
Mar 17, 2009
5
0
Worcester
well, Dad and I have the same GP (well, parctice at least - you just see whoever is available). I'll just have to lie to the receptionist - they always ask what you are seeing the GP for, well tough, it's confidential!

I think I will make an appointment (friday with any luck) and see what they can do. I hope they can help.

I have no idea if there is a social worker for the elderly, how on earth do I find that out? I don't even know if it IS alzheimer's, or dementia.. it might just be plain old age. I just don't know. How do the doctors know? What do they look for? Cos if they ask him things like "are you forgetful" or "do you find yourself halfway through something and not knowing what you were doing?" he'll just say no! He's clever enough to know what NOT to say, cos I know he's terrified of being put in a home.
 

ellystokes1980

Registered User
Feb 9, 2009
41
0
exactly, how are you supposed to know ?
our surgery used to ask why we wanted to see a dr, but i think that it was deemed a 'need to know' issue & theyve stopped. whether you have to lie to them or not though, make sure you go. at the end of the day, for us, seeing a dr was the first step in geting gran diagnosed.
maybe its not dementia, maybe its something else, but hes obviously at risk to himself (burning the house down) and without you guys there, there would undoubtably have been a serious incident. he needs to be seen either way, for your peace of mind if nothing else !

i told the dr the fact that gran was setting fire to saucepans frequently, about the rotting food and her general lack of comprehension & they were incredibly helpful.
it wasnt long before someone came to see her at my request.

jst make yourself heard, like many other services in this country, care for the elderly is severly underfunded and people can slip through the cracks unless there is someone to fight for them.

Elly
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
our surgery used to ask why we wanted to see a dr, but i think that it was deemed a 'need to know' issue & theyve stopped.

I was thinking that also , its all change they are not allowed to ask you that because of the data protection act . As I never get ask that anymore from the receptionist.

I have no idea if there is a social worker for the elderly, how on earth do I find that out? I don't even know if it IS alzheimer's, or dementia..

When my mother was showing signs of confusion was not diagnosed with anything I was working full time. I knew my mother needed support at home. I had heard of how elderly people can get support in going to age concern day centre, get help with cleaning in the house.

I phone my local town hall ask how do I get mum into age concern day centre how to get home help for my mother , they gave me the number .

Back in those days 2002. I never knew about care assessment, or care plans. I don’t think they had them implemented back then like they do now days .

But I knew my mother needed help in her home, I knew they had home help for the elderly back in those days even if an elderly person did not have a dementia
Ring your local town hall; ask them for the phone number of social services for the elderly
 
Last edited:

lesmisralbles

Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
5,543
0
I am sorry to hear of your frustration

don't earn enough for a place of my own, so I live at home with dad where I grew up. My younger brother (28) recently went away for a year travelling, and he doesn't know how I feel about dad being ill - I didn't want to ruin his trip. I do have my boyfriend staying here with me, and he is unemployed atm so spends more time with dad than I do. Dad's behaviour can be so frustratingly child-like that it's put a lot of strain on us and I worry about that too. We both look after dad but it can be fairly thankless when you've just hoovered the house and he wanders around eating a bun with no plate, bun hanging at his side, crumbs everywhere, just wandering around picking things up and putting them down elsewhere, or sitting there clicking his feet together.. aaargh!


Is it your dad's house ?
If so, he can wander around with anything he want's to hanging from his bum/side. He can make as many crumb's as he likes. I presume it is your dad's house ?
Well, if he goes into care, all will be taken, for his care.
And there will be no crumb's left.
You do not know the meaning of aaargh:mad:

Sorry if this offend's, it was meant to.
Barb
 

lesmisralbles

Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
5,543
0
By the way Moderator's

Come on, this one needed a kick.
Barb
When I think of all the genuine people on here.
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
Hi Thorn 1979

I think Barb is highlighting the fact that a few crumbs, or even a lot of crumbs, do not really matter in the great scheme of things. I don't think she meant to appear dismissive of your concerns but most of us have been through far worse than crumbs in the development of this dreadful illness.

That said, I would talk to the GP and get an assessment of Dad, but I bet it shows he is probably okay, and you probably have a few years yet before you need to get really concerned. It may indeed be the first signs of dementia, so keep a look out for serious changes in behaviour and report them to the GP.

Good luck, and keep us informed.

Margaret
 

ellystokes1980

Registered User
Feb 9, 2009
41
0
i can remember constantly hoovering around gran with a 'mini-vac' to begin with. i hated the idea that people might come round & the house would be dirty.
after a couple of years though, i have realised that unless i am willing to donate my life to hoovering & following her around picking things up, i have to relax a little and not be so obsessed with what have become 'little' things.

if this is dementia of some kind, try not to worry so much about crumbs & misplaced items. its better to enjoy the time that you have with your dad, while he is still the dad that you remember. the time goes so quickly, and then all you have are memories.
Elly
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Can I speak to the GP confidentially and tell them what I think?

GP confidentiality is a one-way process. (i.e. the GP can't tell you anything about your dad - unless your dad has given his express consent to do so - but you can say what you like!!!) In fact, as a GP holds responsibility for a patient's overall welfare it is almost an obligation (IMHO) for a relative or carer with concerns to highlight them.

When I first realised that things were more serious with mum than being 'a bit forgetful' and occasionally quite bizarre :eek: I wrote up a whole list of 'evidence' to back up my concerns, delivered them to her GP (not even in same practice as my own) and backed it up by requesting an appointment myself in her name to discuss them. Perhaps I was just very lucky that mum had a most wonderful and receptive GP but investigations and support rolled on from that initial consultation and his immediate referral for mum to see a psycho-geriatrician .....

The evidence ranged from very serious to almost 'petty', but I decided to use everything. I personally wouldn't negate crumbs .... if your dad was previously very houseproud and now no longer conscious of making crumbs it's a change in behaviour .... as was my mother's leaving a teaspoon on the drainer unwashed (unheard of for 40 years!) or hanging the loo roll from the holder a different way. Some of these 'tiny signs' are the tell-tales ...... try to get them all down and to the GP .....

Love, Karen, x
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
0
near London
Lesmiseralbles said:
Come on, this one needed a kick

Not your decision to make Barb.

Everyone has their own kind of hell.

The ones who need a kick are those who consciously try to offend, and go so far to consciously acknowledge it.

Thorn1979 said:
Any advice anyone?

yes, always read the responses selectively. Talking Point is a forum for carers and provides a range of views and experiences. It is a balance and not all will be relevant to your situation.
 

Amber 5

Registered User
Jan 20, 2009
890
0
64
Berkshire
Hi,
Just reading your post reminded me of how I used to react to my mum's behaviour at first (and I don't live with her!) I think you are bound to be irritated by some of his behaviour, especially if he hasn't acted like this before.
If it does turn out to be dementia then you will begin to understand why he is acting like that and that it's the disease, not just him being irritating to you.

You must be seriously concerned though, if you have taken the trouble to find this forum. I made a list of all the things that worried me and the family about mum's behaviour before going along to the Drs with her and managed to get across how concerned we were during the consultation - it would be a good idea to write them down if you think your Dad won't take kindly to you discussing him while he is in the room. Are you in the habit of taking him to Dr's appointments already? It might be that you have to arrange an appointment when you can go either on your own or with your Dad, to get the ball rolling. As long as his GP is supportive and helpful, you won't regret it.

For some people who have been caring for their loved one a long time, your situation won't seem much to worry about. It's not a pleasant thing to contend with though, when you see a relative changing before your eyes and the reality of what might be ahead.
Good Luck and let us know how you get on.
Gill x
 

Gabriella

Registered User
Jan 21, 2009
142
0
Portsmouth
Come on, this one needed a kick.
Barb
When I think of all the genuine people on here.

Lets all feel sorry for Barb - god I dont know how you have any support left. You go too far! You have no idea what is going on in other peoples lives - 'how much they are suffering'. There may be many other challenges going on for them in their lives.
You always judge, say I dont mean to offend. Well but out then.
 

Gabriella

Registered User
Jan 21, 2009
142
0
Portsmouth
Thorn1979,
You are in the right place - I hope you are not put off by the rudeness and inconsideration of one person.
There is and will be so much support and guidance for you - post and write about all you need to.
With best wishes,
 

Cl13

Registered User
Feb 19, 2009
775
0
Cumbria uk
Can you talk to your dads docter about your dad, well the answer to that is, all you can do is ask.I had been doing a 150mile round trip 3 times a week caring for my mum for 2yrs prior to and after we had lost dad, one day
I was summond to mums local hospital and told she she had had some kind of breakdown couldent be on her own, when I got there mum was incapable of any kind of normal conversation, she didn't know where she was or why she was there, I took her home to collect clothes ect befor bringing her home with me, I called to ask her docter," which is the tab on this repeat persciption is mums antidepresant" I was trying to work out if she had been taking them or not, I explained I was taking mum home and why, and that she was talking to the tree's in the st. and to the satalight dish, and to people that were not there, they refused point blank to discuss mum or her meds at all, a total waste of time.
I had mum put on my Dr's books the next day. During that visit he told me about her meds, got her a social worker and a mental health team, and arranged a meeting at my home with them all including himself, he said mum was past the confidelity clause,
he told me to phone him with any problem and he will call, and he does just that. We are now waiting to see her consultant 23 march for scan results.
My Dr. has been brilliant, and I hope yours is too.
Everyone who deals with mums care were gob smacked at the reaction from her own Dr, and moving mum was the best desision
I ever made. by4now Lynn
 

ellystokes1980

Registered User
Feb 9, 2009
41
0
Come on, this one needed a kick.
Barb
When I think of all the genuine people on here.


i chose not to comment on this last night as i was so angered by your comments.

I personally know Thorn1979 and can assure you that she is not fake.
she is however a relative of someone who is possibly suffering from dementia and is going through the emotions that this onset brings.

I am sure barb, that you are by no means perfect and that when your relative was diagnosed, you went through similar feelings.

my understandng of this forum, is that we are all here to support each other. This is the first time that i have been disappointed by a members comments. i hope that the next time is a long time off.

elly
 

lesmisralbles

Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
5,543
0
Lets all feel sorry for Barb - god I dont know how you have any support left. You go too far!



I do not, nor have ever wanted anyone to feel sorry for Ron or I.

Not gone far enough sometimes.
Did I rattle your crystal ball's. If not, stop shaking them at me.
Or, come and see what dementia is like, crumb's are the least of our problem's.

Barb
 

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,849
0
55
Wigan, Lancs
We are further down the road than Thorn1979, but not as far down the road as others here.

I have found support here for every stage, especially from people who are further down the road and no one has belittled my concerns. One of the hardest stages for me was coming to terms with the diagnosis, much harder than some of the 'nastier' stuff I have faced since.

Support is here for everyone affected by dementia, no matter what stage. There is no qualification stage when you are entitled to post and ask for support.

If I were to break my toe I would hope for some sympathy and understanding, not for people to say 'Yeah? Come back when you've broken your neck'.

Thorn1979, you have received some good advice from some members. I can't add any advice, but you have my support. :)