How do I handle this one

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DMWalker, Oct 4, 2006.

  1. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    Your advice on trying to stop my husband from driving was very helpful. He still argues and sulks when we go out but I am all the more certain I am doing the right thing by not letting him drive.
    Today he has rung me at work four times to say he cannot find his bank card, this is his third one in 6 months. I saw it on Monday and have just done a full search of the house but there is no sign of it.
    I am leaving work in December and asked hubby if we could have a joint bank account, at present I am paying all the bills from my income, he says no, he wants to keep his own bank account but he is loathe to spend anything.
    I have also tried to talk about enduring power of attorney but he is none commital.
    I'm not sure how to handle this, at present he does not think he has any problems, he said to me the other week that he had 18 more years before AD would show any symptoms.
    He also seemes to be distancing himself from me, there is no affection in any form from him, at the most he might make me a drink after our evening meal.
    I am finding this very hard to know the best way to tackle these situations without upsetting him. Is there a tactful way to go about things? I do believe he is showing some symptoms now, he was diagnosed in March this year with AD.
    Regards Dee
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    In a way, I'd rather keep my own bank account in this situation, but I can see what you are saying - I assume that some bills at any rate need to be paid from his income, not just yours, but giving him the responsibilty to pay them is probably a very bad idea. It doesn't address the actual problem but could you persuade him to set up a standing bank transfer each month to your account, so you could pay the bills that way?

    Hopefully, someone who is in a similar situation with a spouse can give you more specific advice - the "distancing" sounds familiar from other peoples posts.

    Jennifer
    P.S. I wouldn't look too hard for that bank card, unless you have reason to believe that the pin is with it, in which case cancel it.
    P.P.S. In the "old days" (i.e. before all this data protection stuff) I would have suggested having a quiet bword with the bank manager about this - I don't know whether this will fly nowadays
     
  3. drummer-john

    drummer-john Registered User

    Apr 29, 2005
    18
    Leeds
    Hi Dee
    We have kept separate bank accounts and I manage both of them on-line. I pay all the bills and at the end of the month split them 50/50 and transfer my partner's half into my account. I used to go through it all in detail with her, but she's lost interest in it now. You do need to set up an EPA at some stage, but it may not be worth the grief just yet - you could get advice from the dementia team on when would be the right time.
    Regards
    John
     
  4. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    785
    Buckinghamshire
    Hello Dee,
    You sound as though you've got a fair idea of what lies ahead ..... and money matters are certainly a tricky subject. Much will depend on your husband's grasp of what is going on with bills, his account etc. John's solution of on-line banking sounds very practical (not an option yet when we were at the same stage).

    I feel that the EPA should be top of the list for you. My husband lost the ability to write/sign fairly early on, and this was obviously a big obstacle when it came to the EPA. I doubt whether he would have agreed to signing it anyway if I had suggested setting it up because of his diagnosis. Instead, we both had one done, giving each other 'power' if the need arose, as well as our two daughters. That way it was just a practical step to take for us both, rather than a judgement on his condition. By the way: I think (some?) banks/building societies only accept the power of attorney if it is lodged with them within 12 months of it being set up.

    Small consolation regarding the bank cards: much as the daily hunt for such items used to annoy me at the time, it is quite sad to think that my husband's awareness has deteriorated to the point where this is not an issue any longer ....

    And lastly, his lack of affection, such a hard thing to get used to, and so difficult to accept that it is yet another facet of the illness. It's not that he has stopped caring, he just can't 'see' other people's side or feelings any longer. His world is shrinking, and I think my husband's self-centred attitude is a form of survival - he needs all his energy to fight his way through the fog that surrounds him. He may be unable to show his love for you, yet he needs a double portion from you to keep him going.

    Best wishes, and keep us posted!
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Dee

    Getting the money sorted out is hard, but essential to do it as soon as possible, particularly the EPA. It has to be signed when your husband understands what he is signing, otherwise it is not valid. It's a good idea, as Nutty Nan says, do have one each, and also include a younger member of the family. It is then routine, just like making wills. John and I did this as soon as he was diagnosed, and there was no problem.

    As for the bank accounts, I'm in favour of joint accounts, it makes life so much simpler later on, as you don't have to bother with EPA. Internet banking is also brilliant, I do everything online, and even have electronic statements, so John just accepts that everything is OK. He 'lost' his bank and credit cards very early on, he can no longer sign his name, and remembering PINs would be impossible.

    You have to be careful, though, either to keep his money in his name, or to keep it in a joint account. If you transferred it to your name you would be in trouble under the EPA.

    I know it's complicated at this stage (and I had trouble over the driving licence too), but if you can get things sorted now, you won't have to worry about it when your husband's problems get worse.

    Good luck

    Skye
     
  6. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you all so much for your advice.
    Money was never an issue up to about six months ago. I have always paid everything from my account, but he did used to have an interest in what went on. I feel that he is very suspicious of anything I try to arrange, it's so sad.
    I will certainly take steps to sort out EPA, the idea to arrange it both ways is a very good suggestion.
    I keep on hoping that he is just going through a 'bad time', but of late he doesn't seem to be coming out of it.
    He has been clearing up my daughter's garden today and he is fast asleep, tired out - that was an earlier thread when he cut all the branches off her trees! The beautiful conifers that lined her garden and gave her privacy have all gone.
    He used to be brilliant at organizing everything, now he does the oddest things but doesn't know why.
    It's our anniversary tomorrow, I'm not expecting a card but I have bought him one just to tell him how much he means to me. He may suprise me, I'll have to wait and see.
    Dee
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    This may be of no help at all ,but My daughter lost her bank card 3 times when she phone bank they said they are not going to issue another one to her for 3 mouths so she can learn to be more reasonable also they where worried about fraud .

    As I read along in the thread good advice. My thought was when I read your first post, as my daughter had lost so many cards could you not tell him a littlie white lie and say the bank will not issue him anymore cards and advice you to do a joint account

    Oh bless how I can so relate to what you say ,when you said that . that is just what I use to think in the early middle , stages with mum .

    Gosh I went in to denial sometime when I saw my mother come back, seen act so normal it was like the doctor had got it wrong so mind blowing for me on the good days . I wonder also if it is like that for you also for your husband. Have a lovely day tomorrow and if he forgets I am sure your understand why and if he does not it be a lovely surprise am sure your make it a lovely day what ever happen xx
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,665
    Kent
    We have always had joint accounts.

    My husband used to have his own business and handled all the finance. Now he can`t even understand a Bank Statement.

    He too distances himself, particularly when he is very confused or depressed. He says he is going `home` wherever that may be, but he gets cross because he doesn`t understand where all his money is, or where it goes, and he needs money to go.

    He asked our neighbour where he could go to get his pension moved from our joint account as the woman next door [me] was taking all his money.

    When he was in these moods, he withdrew large amounts from our account. The bank phoned me one day as he was very agitated and they were concerned. I went to the bank, told the Manager about his condition and she advised me to keep the joint account because if my husband had his own account, she would be unable to discuss it with me.

    I now get a weekly Bank Statement, at no extra cost, and can keep an eye on withdrawals. I have to say that when my husband comes out of these states of confusion and depression, he is horrified to have so much money, and we go together to the bank and pay it back in, to ensure our Bills will be paid.

    Grannie G
     

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