How do I get the pictures out of my head

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Eternity, Feb 8, 2016.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Registered User

    Jul 17, 2013
    We put a covert camera in mum's room because the last few months something didn't feel right about mum's care.
    I saw some of the video today and I can't get the images out of my head.

    I never imagined my mum would be put through this, not intentional cruel abuse but extreme poor care causing her so much distress and fear - let alone loss of dignity.

    I can't tell my family as they will get angry and do something stupid to the carers- and I don't want family hurting like I am as they can't fix this.

    I don't know what to do. I can't get the images and my guilt out of my head so I can do something to get mum out of this situation.
    I wouldn't be able to cope to bring mum back home - she went into care because I couldn't manage the care any more. But I can't face mum being there another night after what I have seen. I don't know how to be adult about this so I am crying like a little child. She shouldn't have to go through this, no one should.

    How do you unsee what you have seen.
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Go to either the police or social services or even the CQC anyone. You can bet if this is happening to your mum it's happening to other peoples loved ones in the next room too, you owe it to all of them to do something.
    I'm sorry to say "unseeing" it won't make it stop happening or make it go away you need to take positive action to make it stop.
    Eventually the rest of the family will find out (they always do) you don't want them blaming you for not doing anything, so it would be better if you do it as soon as possible for everyone's sake.
    Were it to be a child being abused or a wife being beaten would you be as reluctant to do something to make it stop.
    Sorry if I come across a bit harsh Eternity, I don't mean to, but I believe if we all said "zero tolerance to violence" and were prepared to speak up then one day, possibly, maybe, we could make it all stop.
    Child abuse, domestic violence or abuse of the aged and infirm we all have a duty to so "NO" very loudly or nothing will ever change.
    (((((Big Hug)))) I can see the suffering this is causing you.
  3. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    My dear Eternity, how very terrible, I am so sorry. This kind of thing is our worst nightmare. Kevini is only too right, for your own peace of mind, you must bring this in to the open. Go to the police right away.
  4. Pete R

    Pete R Registered User

    Jul 26, 2014
    The unfortunate answer is you cannot.:( But you can mitigate your hurt and shock by sharing what you have seen with others who can help you put things right.

    Call the Police, your Social Worker, Alzeihmers Society helpline, AgeUK or anyone you feel comfortable with. Just do it straight away for your own sanity and the wellbeing of your Mum.

    I wish you well.:)
  5. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    eastern USA
    Convert the pain into the energy of doing what's right: reporting what you saw. This is not about whether you can bring your loved one home but about abuse taking place. If whatever it is is happening to your mother, it's happening to others. Convert sorrow into action, and you'll feel better.
  6. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    I agree with the other posters; doing nothing is an option that will just make you feel worse. Please channel your anger/guilt/sorrow into positive action. Go to the police/safeguarding for your own sake and your Mum.

    I'm so sorry that you have had to witness this poor treatment towards your Mum.

    If you can please let us know what you decide to do.


    Lyn T XX
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry for your mum.

    I agree with everyone else. For your mum's sake, the sake of other residents and not least your own sake please report this.
  8. dottyd

    dottyd Registered User

    Jan 22, 2011
    That is shocking. You've acted on your suspicions.

    Now you must see it through.

    Don't let fear get in the way. Pick up the phone. Make that call.

    Your family won't do anything to the carers. If you report it to the police, they will take charge of it.

    I'm so sorry your mum is undergoing this.

    You can take care of her still by being her champion.

    Abuse of the elderly is a crime .
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Eternity

    What was your intention when you installed the camera?

    I`m really sorry your worst fears were realised but you must finish what you started for everyone`s sake.
  10. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    I am with the others on this Eternity. Even if it is poor care rather than abuse it is still unacceptable. We banned the agency from sending a couple of their carers because of bad practice and insisted they only send the good ones, felt no remorse about closing the door on one particularly ignorant individual. This sounds worse, but I would at the very least take your tape to the CH manager and the CQC.
  11. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    Think about changing CH
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Registered User

    Jul 17, 2013
    Thank you all for your support and good advice. It has been a continuous rush of manic rushing around - still rushing.
    We are waiting to hear if another care home can take mum soon
    We raised concerns and of course "mum's dementia" was blamed for her reactions and carer's reaction. They are going to make some adjustments, but not great.
    Told family and they have been helping to try and sort things - most important is to move mum

    Thank you so, so so much again. I think I was just in so much shock and felt guilty I didn't know what to do.

    I will update properly in a few days
  13. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    eastern USA
    Do, please, keep us posted. Your situation is hauntingly difficult. Godspeed.

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