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How do I cope?

CherryTT4

Registered User
Dec 5, 2019
39
Wiltshire
Hi - bad day. Husband knows it me and is very critical of my behaviour. Accuse me of all sorts of thing - sleeping with men, going out all night, not caring for him. When I 'change' into the woman or man that looks after him - cooks for him, sits with him all evening he is always very polite. Please can someone tell me how to handle the times when they know its you but are angry about all the times you 'disappear'. He is not violent and never suggests violence but he is angry and wants it to stop or to end - and it does get to the point when I think would that be the best of both of us. But as wife I have a responsibility to care/look after him regardless of how bad it gets.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,258
Yorkshire
hi @CherryTT4
I appreciate you feel resposible for looking after your husband, that in no way means you have to be the only one to provide care for him ... sadly, there often comes a time when a team of carers are needed, for your husband's good and also for your own welfare, you have a right and responsibility to look after yourself too

contact your Local Authority Adult Services and request an assessment of your husband's care needs as you are no longer able to provide the level of care he needs on your own (NO reflection on you, simply stating facts, and using language the LA should act on) ... your husband has a right to this assessment and you to a carer's assessment ... though it may take some time in the current situation with restrictions

you might also contact Admiral Nurses as they are there to support carers
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
142
I can only imagine how upsetting and draining it must be to have accusations hurled at you. Thankfully, although he has other issues, my husband is not yet at that stage. I tell myself over and over that he is ill and has no control over his behaviour.
But even so there are times when like you, I think we'd both be better off out of it. But then I try to think of the day we married - must be a 100 years go - and our promises to each other, 'in sickness and in health' and I know that we must go on living our lives together, no matter how hard, just as we have lived through our ups and downs in the past.
Your sad feelings are understandable abut please know how important your lives are. The only advice I can offer, which i'm sure you already do is, is to try to distract him, and whenever he's he's accusing you.
And in between, give yourself a pat on the back for doing such a good job in such a stressful situation.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,422
South coast
Hi @CherryTT4

Its so hard when they dont understand what is really happening and there is no way that you will be able to convince him that its actually you who is there caring for him. Can you come up with a "reason" why you arnt there? Perhaps you have started a job that is nights? Otherwise try and just let it slide off you (easier said than done, I know)

But as wife I have a responsibility to care/look after him regardless of how bad it gets.
Yes, but that doesnt mean that you have to do the heavy hands on stuff, nor does it mean that you have to live in the same place. "in sickness and in health" means that you dont abandon him - and you wont, you will be making sure that he is being looked after. You will be a carer right up to the end - truly "till death do us part", just in a different way.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
216
I’m not sure this is going to help!! I have the same situation, except my husband no longer knows me as his wife of over 30 years. One night last year, she disappeared and now he regularly tells me She has died. I took her place!!! He’s not sure who I am, but is happy to have me here. For a long time I was accused of having an affair which was very upsetting. Even now, he will often get very angry when I’m on the phone , because I’m talking to a man. There is nothing to be done, but laugh it off, when you can, or just walk away into another room when the going gets tough. Please don’t think that’s easy, I have regular meltdowns while this is going on. But I also feel that I must try to look after him for as long as I can. If I find it impossible, I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Life is not great, but it’s the hand I’ve been dealt!
 

MalcW

Registered User
Jul 3, 2020
11
From what I have read here, I must be very very lucky. My wife has 2 older sisters, one of whom is quite happy to take her to her own house for a day in the middle of the week and the other will visit her there. I have no doubt they probably have a good old laugh at their past experiences and probably at my expense, but that one day's rest, when I can slob out if I want or do some jobs or go to the pub, I don't have to worry about meals, toilet visits or any of the other usual carer responsibilities. If I didn't have this benefit, I think I would definitely look for some form of local rest bite care. That time on my own to see friends and re-charge, although only a few hours each week, is invaluable, and something I have badly missed during lock down
 

CherryTT4

Registered User
Dec 5, 2019
39
Wiltshire
hi @CherryTT4
I appreciate you feel resposible for looking after your husband, that in no way means you have to be the only one to provide care for him ... sadly, there often comes a time when a team of carers are needed, for your husband's good and also for your own welfare, you have a right and responsibility to look after yourself too

contact your Local Authority Adult Services and request an assessment of your husband's care needs as you are no longer able to provide the level of care he needs on your own (NO reflection on you, simply stating facts, and using language the LA should act on) ... your husband has a right to this assessment and you to a carer's assessment ... though it may take some time in the current situation with restrictions

you might also contact Admiral Nurses as they are there to support carers
Thank you for your reply and the information.
 

CherryTT4

Registered User
Dec 5, 2019
39
Wiltshire
I can only imagine how upsetting and draining it must be to have accusations hurled at you. Thankfully, although he has other issues, my husband is not yet at that stage. I tell myself over and over that he is ill and has no control over his behaviour.
But even so there are times when like you, I think we'd both be better off out of it. But then I try to think of the day we married - must be a 100 years go - and our promises to each other, 'in sickness and in health' and I know that we must go on living our lives together, no matter how hard, just as we have lived through our ups and downs in the past.
Your sad feelings are understandable abut please know how important your lives are. The only advice I can offer, which i'm sure you already do is, is to try to distract him, and whenever he's he's accusing you.
And in between, give yourself a pat on the back for doing such a good job in such a stressful situation.
[/
QUOTE]
Thank you for your reply, it is appreciated x
 

CherryTT4

Registered User
Dec 5, 2019
39
Wiltshire
Hi @CherryTT4

Its so hard when they dont understand what is really happening and there is no way that you will be able to convince him that its actually you who is there caring for him. Can you come up with a "reason" why you arnt there? Perhaps you have started a job that is nights? Otherwise try and just let it slide off you (easier said than done, I know)


Yes, but that doesnt mean that you have to do the heavy hands on stuff, nor does it mean that you have to live in the same place. "in sickness and in health" means that you dont abandon him - and you wont, you will be making sure that he is being looked after. You will be a carer right up to the end - truly "till death do us part", just in a different way.
Thank you for your reply. I'm still having problems letting things slide, I need not to take things so personally but it is so difficult. X
 

CherryTT4

Registered User
Dec 5, 2019
39
Wiltshire
I’m not sure this is going to help!! I have the same situation, except my husband no longer knows me as his wife of over 30 years. One night last year, she disappeared and now he regularly tells me She has died. I took her place!!! He’s not sure who I am, but is happy to have me here. For a long time I was accused of having an affair which was very upsetting. Even now, he will often get very angry when I’m on the phone , because I’m talking to a man. There is nothing to be done, but laugh it off, when you can, or just walk away into another room when the going gets tough. Please don’t think that’s easy, I have regular meltdowns while this is going on. But I also feel that I must try to look after him for as long as I can. If I find it impossible, I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Life is not great, but it’s the hand I’ve been dealt!
Thank you for your reply , it is really appreciated. X