I used to hate lying. I would tell the truth over and over again. I would watch the reaction of the struggle with my Mums mind trying to work out what I was saying. Then I told the first lie. Followed by another. I watched my mums face and realised that she did not know it was a lie, which is the main point. I have told the truth on days when I get tired of going over and over the same questions, and watch the struggle again. I walk away, have a silent scream in the kitchen, and go back smiling. My Mum still has the ability to pick up on my moods so I am extremely careful to appear to be happy (very hard at times) which in turn makes her happy. So although I hate the lies, it has to be done, and Im learning the best way to say them and not feel guilty.
How do I cope with the anger
- Thread starter Kezzamac
- Start date
Anger and other things!
My sister and I have spent hours trying to reason with Mum and trying to include her and involve her, causing a great deal of stress and anxiety on all sides. We too find it hard to lie, but have now taken the decision to do so. A quick fib and then diversion tactics are really helping deal with the day to day dilemmas. Hope this helps. Our dilemma and really big sticking point is that she smells, she refuses to bath or shower even if we offer help, she just tells us she will do it later and of course doesn't. I have managed (by lying to her i.e. its an appointment she set up and has asked me to go with her) to get her to the hairdresser once a week, two of the most understanding women thank goodness. Cannot get any shift on this washing/bathing thing at all,she still lives at home with a daily carer going in for half an hour mainly for meds. Cleaner once a week but we cannot for love nor money persuade her to wash, getting to the point where I don't want to take her anywhere cos of the whiff, any bright ideas?
My sister and I have spent hours trying to reason with Mum and trying to include her and involve her, causing a great deal of stress and anxiety on all sides. We too find it hard to lie, but have now taken the decision to do so. A quick fib and then diversion tactics are really helping deal with the day to day dilemmas. Hope this helps. Our dilemma and really big sticking point is that she smells, she refuses to bath or shower even if we offer help, she just tells us she will do it later and of course doesn't. I have managed (by lying to her i.e. its an appointment she set up and has asked me to go with her) to get her to the hairdresser once a week, two of the most understanding women thank goodness. Cannot get any shift on this washing/bathing thing at all,she still lives at home with a daily carer going in for half an hour mainly for meds. Cleaner once a week but we cannot for love nor money persuade her to wash, getting to the point where I don't want to take her anywhere cos of the whiff, any bright ideas?
Have you tried running a bath and adding bubble bath or salts as a " surprise surprise treat"? Mum hated hot water going to waste so i pulled that one a few times myself. Add some spa like items like a face mask and its a pamper session. I would help her in then sit and chat. All you have to lose is some hot water.
As to home to stop getting angry anf frustrated? I think thats just impossible. Its like dealing wuth toddlers who constantly ask questions. Eventually they drive you nuts. With mum i would go upstairs and lock myself in the loo and wait 5 minutes and deep breathe. Nobody is a saint.
I wonder if a future employer would ever value the training I've had in patience in the last year or so? I doubt it but it would be nice to think there was some value in life on the "dementia" treadmill.
Personally I stood in mum's kitchen with a knife in my hand earlier today and wanted to use it on myself. I was trying to unclench my fists and un-bite my tongue at the time. After spending all day with her, I was back again after just 45 minutes during which I tried and failed to cut my lawn after being interrupted by the inevitable phone calls after her being alone for a few minutes.
We're all human but sometimes I wish I could be super-human and deal with all of this and still have a clean house (of my own) and an organised life. Fat chance!
Personally I stood in mum's kitchen with a knife in my hand earlier today and wanted to use it on myself. I was trying to unclench my fists and un-bite my tongue at the time. After spending all day with her, I was back again after just 45 minutes during which I tried and failed to cut my lawn after being interrupted by the inevitable phone calls after her being alone for a few minutes.
We're all human but sometimes I wish I could be super-human and deal with all of this and still have a clean house (of my own) and an organised life. Fat chance!
Hi Kezzamac. Is it possible to ask other family members to share the care of your m-i-l? If not, there will be a support group you can access through your doc's surgery or Community Nurses. You sound at the end of your tether and in need of a break. We all need a little help sometimes and remember you are doing a fantastic job. It is VERY frustrating trying to do everything with little support. You need to be kind to yourself too!
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Oh Liz57 I feel your pain!
For the last couple of days we've had great mornings, where she's almost her old self, but after lunch it all changes. It's like someone out there has flipped a switch and she's gone! But I've already started the lying, and although I hate doing it, it's really working ☺️
Unfortunately we have no family living close by
We have been patiently waiting for support of any kind - lots of 'oh yes how terrible, someone will call you soon to chat' and nothing happens! First contacted GP in Feb, since then we have been sent from one person to another! Been to the memory clinic, where we were told we would be contacted by dementia support and the day hospital - that was nearly 6 weeks ago. We have a meeting with a dementia support worker this Tuesday, but have heard nothing from the day hospital (even though I rang to question the lack of support). So frustrating!!! She is in desperate need of stimulation and is so lonely, but my husband and I both work. I am so hoping the dementia support worker will open up doors that have so far been stubbornly locked!!
I have lied today, over and over, then I tried the truth because I had had enough of the circle of the same questions! I said I didnt know who these people were (relatives from the past who are long gone) and my Mums confusion got worse. Two days ago she was great, almost 'normal' but today so different. Im not sure whether I am coming or going. I was her sister, mum, and cousin, she spoke about my brothers and dad (relatives from way back) and I got to the point that I almost didnt know who I was! Why is this disease so cruel.
I have lied today, over and over, then I tried the truth because I had had enough of the circle of the same questions! I said I didnt know who these people were (relatives from the past who are long gone) and my Mums confusion got worse. Two days ago she was great, almost 'normal' but today so different. Im not sure whether I am coming or going. I was her sister, mum, and cousin, she spoke about my brothers and dad (relatives from way back) and I got to the point that I almost didnt know who I was! Why is this disease so cruel.
She hasnt got a UTI has she? Mum is always so much worse when she has a UTI.
Everytime she gets like this I get her tested and it comes back negative. I spoke to the pharmacy and they will not give me the equipment to test the urine myself. I do not want to keep bothering the Doctor when this seems to be a regular pattern. Today is a new day so will see how she when I visit, but it is worth thinking about.
