How do I cope with my 59 year old father diagnosis of dementia

[Xhanlbxx]

Hi everyone ,
I am new to this thread and to be honest I am just seeking some guidance and support from people who are going through the same as me.

I’m 29 years old and I have always suffered with anxiety and the diagnosis of my dads illness in November 2018 really tipped it into turmoil- I managed to get through my own anxiety and carry on and be there for my dad.

There are times where I will spend time with my dad and I feel so happy afterwards but then there are other times like family meals which really get to me and it breaks my heart to see my dad going through this . I can only imagine he feels like everyone is watching his every move and it must be uncomfortable for him. I just don’t know where to go at that moment because I just feel heartbroken , all I wanted for my parents was to have a happy retirement and watch me get married and have kids and now at 59 years of age I feel this has been taken from him .

The way my dad saw it at the diagnosis was a long death sentence and I want to get out of that frame of mind and be there for him because I love him so much but I just don’t know what to do anymore I have tried counselling.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Xhanlbxx
a warm welcome to DTP
it's tough gradually processing the fact that someone you love has dementia and so the future will be different from that you may have imagined ... it's a form of grief, and perfectly natural
this section of the main AS site may explain
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/feelings-after-diagnosis-dementia

take your time with your feelings and settling to how things are ... your dad is pretty much the same man today as he was yesterday, so just take each day at a time and consciously make some positive memories with him and your mum

now you've found this supportive community, keep posting

 

[Countryboy]

Ok if it’s guidance your after here on Talking Point you will get negative doom and gloom and positive accept your diagnoses and move on and remembers you only pass this way once so don’t waste it because I’m pleased to tell you having a diagnoses of dementia at an early age does not necessarily mean that person can’t go on a live a happy normal life for many years.

I was diagnosed at age of 56½ and now 76½ so it all positive’s for me i have beem member of TP since March 2005 obviously slowing down a bit now but still active

 

[Xhanlbxx]

Ok if it’s guidance your after here on Talking Point you will get negative doom and gloom and positive accept your diagnoses and move on and remembers you only pass this way once so don’t waste it because I’m pleased to tell you having a diagnoses of dementia at an early age does not necessarily mean that person can’t go on a live a happy normal life for many years.

I was diagnosed at age of 56½ and now 76½ so it all positive’s for me i have beem member of TP since March 2005 obviously slowing down a bit now but still active

Thankyou for your reply , I understand it will be both positive and negative but I just want to find a way to support my dad without being sad. What did you do when you were diagnosed as I am looking for things my dad can get involved in

 

[Palerider]

Hi everyone ,
I am new to this thread and to be honest I am just seeking some guidance and support from people who are going through the same as me.

I’m 29 years old and I have always suffered with anxiety and the diagnosis of my dads illness in November 2018 really tipped it into turmoil- I managed to get through my own anxiety and carry on and be there for my dad.

There are times where I will spend time with my dad and I feel so happy afterwards but then there are other times like family meals which really get to me and it breaks my heart to see my dad going through this . I can only imagine he feels like everyone is watching his every move and it must be uncomfortable for him. I just don’t know where to go at that moment because I just feel heartbroken , all I wanted for my parents was to have a happy retirement and watch me get married and have kids and now at 59 years of age I feel this has been taken from him .

The way my dad saw it at the diagnosis was a long death sentence and I want to get out of that frame of mind and be there for him because I love him so much but I just don’t know what to do anymore I have tried counselling.

I empathise on the anxiety and your situation -too young to be stuck with this. Its a difficult thing to self manage anxiety, but only you can manage it and it never go's away. You can learn to manage it in better ways. I can only talk about my own experience, but I hope it helps. Easier said than done but the first port of call is to understand anxiety and the triggers, you don't need to buy books just google anxiety and the flight fight response and read around it, educate yourself or remind yourself (if you have read before).

There are some good tips on some websites, but the most important way for me to get by is to be in the now and not allow my thoughts to become flooded with the 'what if's' or think about what 'may happen' also trying not to dwell on the past what I did and should have done (decisions we make, behaviour etc) -these thoughts can become uncontrollable and also flood you with intense emotions as the adrenaline flows and makes you feel dreadful.

Mindfulness is a good tool in the toolbox for coping and managing anxiety, focus on being in the now and take things one day at a time. There are lots of books and websites that introduce you to thinking mindfully. Its certainly helped me. Its does take some practice but worth the effort. Try to focus on yourself when you have quite time and there are no distractions, it doesn't have to be long just 5 or 10 mins to get you started. Its not easy at first, but importantly the aim is learning to be in the present moment and not trapped in your thoughts and feelings (the worse part of anxiety)

 

[Xhanlbxx]

Absolutely understand and sympathise - in our situation professional counselling has helped the 'children' of people with younger onset dementia hugely. It is very common to get a 'reactive depression' in this situation. I would seek it out if you can - your GP, employer or college are all possibilities.

Hi Sarah ,
I tried counselling and I just felt it didn’t help . I wanted to speak about my pain worry etc . I know life isn’t going to get easier but it’s so hard to seek coping mechanisms and other people my age going through this

 

[Xhanlbxx]

Thankyou so much for your response , this means a lot to me it really does .

I have dealt with anxiety since a young age and obviously this diagnosis and the changes have not helped but I strive to be the stronger person for my dad and for my mom .

Yes the problem I have is looking back two years ago and seeing the decline in my dad and comparing him to what and who he used to be . Also like you say worrying about how long we have left and what is going to happen which I know it’s not going to be nice.

I will look up this information , thanks again

I empathise on the anxiety and your situation -too young to be stuck with this. Its a difficult thing to self manage anxiety, but only you can manage it and it never go's away. You can learn to manage it in better ways. I can only talk about my own experience, but I hope it helps. Easier said than done but the first port of call is to understand anxiety and the triggers, you don't need to buy books just google anxiety and the flight fight response and read around it, educate yourself or remind yourself (if you have read before).

There are some good tips on some websites, but the most important way for me to get by is to be in the now and not allow my thoughts to become flooded with the 'what if's' or think about what 'may happen' also trying not to dwell on the past what I did and should have done (decisions we make, behaviour etc) -these thoughts can become uncontrollable and also flood you with intense emotions as the adrenaline flows and makes you feel dreadful.

Mindfulness is a good tool in the toolbox for coping and managing anxiety, focus on being in the now and take things one day at a time. There are lots of books and websites that introduce you to thinking mindfully. Its certainly helped me. Its does take some practice but worth the effort. Try to focus on yourself when you have quite time and there are no distractions, it doesn't have to be long just 5 or 10 mins to get you started. Its not easy at first, but importantly the aim is learning to be in the present moment and not trapped in your thoughts and feelings (the worse part of anxiety)

hank

 

[Countryboy]

Thankyou for your reply , I understand it will be both positive and negative but I just want to find a way to support my dad without being sad. What did you do when you were diagnosed as I am looking for things my dad can get involved in

Hi I was at first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 1999 and 2003 frontal-temporal-dementia I changed nothing however back then it was more difficult for go public media and especially bureaucrats to understand and there was the stigma I continued to carry on working until my retirement age 65 although I did fight a few battles to carry on at work I also fought the DVLA for my right to have a full driving licence it was a twelve year battle but I manage it in the end and I’m now in my seventh year holding a full driving licence after being give a I year licence for 12 years as I said I have been a member of TP since March 2005 and those older TP members like myself will know I never surrendered to any of the obstacles related to dementia always upfront and Positive I ignore the negativity but were all individuals and take on life in our on way unfortunately I’m also fighting off a Kidney Cancer as well now off for more CT scans on 9thSept so few challenges ahead for me yet