How did you get your relative into a home??

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,725
North Derbyshire
Mum in a home

Well she went in on Friday and is not at all happy. Everyone else is much quieter that her, though she isn't a chattebox herself, and doesn't initiate conversations easily. I am not happy at all. She is bored to death, all the old dears sit in a semi-circle in the lounge and sleep. What do I do?

Regars

Margaret
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
Give it a while Margaret, and meantime, keep looking for a home that has residents who are a bit more lively. That`s all you can do.

For someone who`s more active, sitting around watching others sleep will be very depressing.

Love xx
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
I`d agree with Granny Margaret, give her time to settle, it is such early days. But you also have some breathing space to look around, and you know she is safe and well cared,
Her behaviour sound like MIL, who was incredibly active ..to the point that we felt she was just burning herself out. Up and down to the village 4/5 times a day probably more on spurious errands...could never remember that she had just gone, or why she was there. She got more and more unsettled ..I can only describe her behaviour like the famous bunny in the long life battery adverts ..she kept on and on and on ..... Didnt have the concentration to sit and read...couldnt concentrate on TV unless there were animals programmes on then you might get her to sit still..food was taken on the run....It was as though she had forgotten how to relax. Whereas my parents of the same age are happy to sit and doze in their chairs after lunch for a while. She was more active then than she had been in her 60s and 70s when she knew she needed to relax at times and would give herself time out.
She loves to chat..but talking to her peer group became increasingley difficult because she cant follow the thread of a conversation. In the home now the staff are lovely and she chats away to them. She has also taken a `poor old lady` under her wing, and is busy doing housework which they encourage her to do...it has always been part of her routine..and we are delighted they have encouraged to to incorporate this into her day.
She is learning to relax ..and act her age! Have snoozes in the afternoon and wind down a bit. At home she was exhausted all the time..but couldnt stop this manic acitivty .... She wore us out ...and she is in her 80`s..we are in our 50`s! We wanted mre continuity and structure in her life and 3 weeks down the line things are improving. Can you stay away a bit ..give the home time to settle her in ..let her make relationships there with the staff? I felt our presence would be a constnt reminder of her old life and the home advised us to give them time to get to know her : because they will be taking the place of family for a large part of her time. Give yourself a break..you have to break the habits of the past few years as well and start to re-discover your own life.
By the way ...we also had the nightmare phone bills ...she would ring the premium numbers all the time ...and wehad the numbers blocked after she ran up a huge phone bill ..very common I believe with these vulnerable elderly folk.
Very best of luck with it all....stop the guilt trip... and give youself a few treats now you really dersserve them.
 

Daisy123

Registered User
Jul 15, 2007
10
village nr Swansea
We had to resort to little white lies as well. For quite a while now, we have been telling mum she has been going for blood tests when she hasn't really. She doesn't seem to mind blood tests funnily enough but when we told her she had to have a scan she panicked big time, so next time it was the blood test again. Never remembers that she never actually had the test done.

Anyway, mum went in for another "test" at the Residential Home on Monday and when we vanished she was happily drinking a cuppa and discussing what colour sheets she would like on her bed. On the phone to the home this morning I am told that mum is quite happy. The trouble is she thinks she is in the 30/40 age range and calls all other ladies her age "Old Ducks" so we would never have been able to actually tell her where she was going because she just wouldn't have understood why someone the age she thinks she is would go into somewhere like this and would have put up a hell of a fight.

WE are going to take some more of her things in tonight and have been dreading the visit in case she demands to come home etc., but now I think I will take a leaf from others' books and tell her something is being done to the house. I believe that this is much kinder than the actual truth.

When we were searching, we found one of these "hotel" like Homes with small units and have put mums name down on the waiting list (which is quite long) even though the home she is in seems to be very nice, just in case it doesn't suit her.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
Whatever you`ve done Daisy, your mother is happy and has settled, so it must have been the right thing.
Well done. A big hurdle over.
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
Eternal youth!

Daisy123 said:
. The trouble is she thinks she is in the 30/40 age range and calls all other ladies her age "Old Ducks" so we would never have been able to actually tell her where she was going because she just wouldn't have understood why someone the age she thinks she is would go into somewhere like this and would have put up a hell of a fight.

:) Daisy, I had to smile ..because MIL was the same ..always commenting about the `old ladies `she had to sit with when she went to lunch club .. despite the fact that many were younger, and certainly more mentaly agile than she was! As time went on she certainly became younger in her own mind .. ..she has been widowed for well over 30 years, and never wanted another relationship ...and to our surprise suddenly developed a bit of an eye for the younger men ..was always a bit coy and flirty, and one son who returned from overseas for a visit and stayed with mum for a while was quite shocked to be cast in the role of boyfriend! She can always tell you her age ...but now it doesnt seem to mean anything in logical terms (she wil ask where is my Dad?)

I cant figure out where she thinks she is ... I think she is casting herself in the role of carer, and perhaps mistress of the house ..because she is cleaning and polishing ..general organising things..for the elderly folk! She showed us cushions she had embroidered (!) ... and had woven an amazing fiction around her present reality. Apparently she is so busy going to work that she hardly has time to do the chores and the gardening! We did point out that she was lucky to have a gardener ....

She has started to dress up, having abandoned smart suits and lovely dresses for her gardening gear for years .....We took all her glam clothes as well as her trousers and tops ..and suddenley the dresses stockings and jewellry are coming out! We took her jewelery box in so she can can indulge her fantasies.

I am glad to say wherever she is in her mind, on the whole seems to be a fairly happy place : a mixture between childhood and work days; with a little bit of present day that intrudes from time to time. But she certainly would be shocked if she thought she needed to live with other elderly folk!

As you say she has no concept of her biological age (but aren`t we all still tenneagers at heart?)
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
:) SBW your post made me laugh out loud, thank you.

One day a few years ago, in my mum's first residential home I had called the doctor to see her about something and when he arrived, she spotted him coming across the foyer to us. She was very sharp eyed then and she said 'What does he want?' rather grumpily I explained he was the doctor and he was coming to see her. Her reply was the she certainly didn't need a doctor. However as he got closer she changed her mind said " Oooooh, he looks VERY nice" in a very girlish way and treated him to her filmstar smile and batting of eyelashes! She was supposed to be ill at the time so it was doubly embarrassing but makes me crease up afterwards every time I think of it.:D She was absolutely strait-laced when married to my dad!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
My grandmother, was quite Victorian in her young and middle ages. She told me my grandfather kissed the brim of her hat, when they were courting, but would go no further.

But the older she became the more youthful her psyche.

When she had hospital appointments, in her 80s, she delighted in buying new knickers, trimmed with `baby lace and baby ribbon`. Bear in mind, these knickers had legs which came to her knees, as any display of bare flesh was considered shocking.

She loved being examined by doctors, especially young ones, and they always complimented her on the condition of her skin, telling her she had the body of a 17 year old.
 
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DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
Grannie G said:
My grandmother, was quite Victorian in her young and middle ages. She told me my grandfather kissed the brim of her hat, when they were courting, but would go no further.
Sylvia, I think that is a delightful concept!:) Thank you for sharing! I think there should be a major return to brim-of-the-hat- kissing!:D
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
I`m glad you enjoyed that little anecdote Deborah.

My grandmother was a wonderful woman who told the most amazing stories.
We stayed with her every Friday night, no TV, just Grandma`s stories, never the same one twice.

Love xx
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
Sex drugs and rock and roll!

Well not in Victorian times one is led to believe. Granny, love your stories!

On the relationship theme our psychiatrist did explain to MILs son that it isnt uncommon for husbands/wives of AZ sufferers sometimes find themselves rejected from the marital bed, (not going to bed with that old man )
and that substituting son/grandson for husband lover is not unusual (just a bit of a shocker)

I know she came downstairs one day having dressed up in her finery .must have been parading in front of the mirror ..and she said to me ..``I have just seen my grandma in my room, I couldn`t believe it` puzzled me no end until I realised it must have been her reflection which she didnt recognise!
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
and to our surprise suddenly developed a bit of an eye for the younger men ..was always a bit coy and flirty,
My mother has been in that stage for a year now .

I Notice her moods change from high to low , when she has a crash on someone at the day-center .

when only at AZ day center it was a worker she really like , she would imagine that he wanted to marry her, then they cut her day out and change the day she went. he was not working on the day they change her day , mum was very upset , her mood went right down .

He must of got embarrassed about it , as mum could go OD when she saw him .

then I organized another day-center run by social services so she have more days where she found someone else she like , his a worker and all the staff and him don't seem to mind that she mum really like him , because she so motivated in high spirited . just wondering if he like her or not she even remembering all her clothes and what she wants to wear , the change in her mood is amazing .


my mother was married for 55 years , My father was her only love , So my mother must of got her self esteem from a man that why her moods is
up when they a man around she like.
It was hard to understand it at the beginning as my mother was always my mother not my friend , now a year on I am getting use to it, while it last
 
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kimbo

Registered User
Apr 12, 2007
6
exeter
Thank you

I was so thankful that I had read throught this thread yesterday as I was able to be very reassuring for my husband last night. We were discussing his mother last night and how the best place for her might be a home.He was very down and said that the only way he could see it happening is if he lied to her and how do other people manage. I was able to tell him that on your wonderful talking points people had been discussing this and they too had, had to 'bend' the truth a little. It made him feel a lot better.
Can anybody help me though, she lives over 100 miles away, does anybody know if it would be better for her to be in a nursing home down there or nearer us where we could visit her much more. Or are we being selfish? I would welcome your honest opinions.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
Dear Kimbo,

I can say without hesitation, your MIL would be far better in a home nearer you than one 100 miles away.

Once she has settled in the home, she won`t be going out alone, so the unfamiliar environment won`t affect her.

The fact you will be able to visit regularly and frequently, outweighs everything else. Her friends, if she still has any, will dwindle away as her condition deteriorates and then she would be very alone.

You and your husband will be constant. If she needs any medical treatment you will be there, and be saved from emergency dashes which will take a couple of hours.

That is my honest opinion. I don`t think you`re being selfish. You are being caring and practical.

Take care xx
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
Im glad the thread helped Kimbo ..it is such a hard time for the nearest and dearest and the guilt is just awful..all I can say is that having started to come out the other side it was the best thing we could have done. If she comes down near you you can pop in and see her ...someone else will be doing the 24/7 caring..and you can do the spoiling ..
We went round a few homes and soon got a feel for what we liked ...I must say there are homes that look wonderful ..but I go for staff ...not too many agency staff ..good continuity ...anyway..good luck in your search.
She was self funding so we set ourselves a budget ..I guess if your MIL is the same you wont have too many worries..otherwise you need to know what places social services will fund..and who has vacancies now.
Best of luck with your search .. keep at it ....as long as the two of you stay focused and make a clear plan and set some time limits you will get there.
 

roman

Registered User
Aug 8, 2007
16
Liverpool
my sister took mum to the home. Mum knew what was happening.I had always said mum would know the truth so no point in lying.We took her to the consultant in Jan as her behaviour had deteriorated and wanted to check it was nothing physical.She said at this point 'you are trying to put me away!and was very agitated.It hadn't helped that the community psychiatric nurse had also spoken about whether she could continue at home or not in her presence either.We took her to the home once a week for daycare for several weeks beforehand but mum was upset and several times we couldn't take her.However she lived in sheltered accomm and was becoming distressed asking residents to help her and we knew it wasn't fair to ask them to continue to support her.My sisters had asked her if she would like to go to a place where she would be looked after etc but I thought mum would not understand the implications and also wondered if they would say this if they visited these places.I have still not asked my sister what happened on that day as I feel it would be upsetting but think they told her the truth.I wish now we had said it was for a holiday as she was distraught when I visited her and said she would be dead soon and we would be sorry !She only cries a little when we visit now and is then O.K. She did say she couldn't go out now but I told her she can go with us but when I first took her out to a familar place she just cried for an hour.My sister took her out and she became very agitated so we are wondering if we will be able to take her out again.The home seems fine as another person said it is just the people in them.Mum refused to go out today hope it's temporay?