How can you help someone who won't help themselves? Sorry, need to vent!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by looviloo, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    464
    Female
    Cheshire
    Apologies in advance - I'm especially tired at the moment which is adding to my mood...

    I've just come back from visiting dad. I found him dozing in front of the TV in his room (not in the lounge with the others). So, I was only there for an hour, plus 2 hours travelling time, and to say I'm feeling grumpy now is an understatement :-/.

    I spent several hours yesterday loading photos onto an old iPad, following a suggestion in my previous 'activities' thread, and showed it to dad... he half-heartedly looked through a few of them, but soon gave up, so I told him he could keep the iPad to look through later... but he didn't want it. 'Technology has left him behind', apparently, despite being constantly glued to his mobile phone. Oh well... no problem I thought, I'll try something else.

    So I mentioned the idea of getting someone from his local radio ham club (that he was a member of for years) to come and perhaps help him with his radio equipment, which is still in his old house and he mentions many times. The answer? 'NO!'. Doesn't want them coming to the care home. Shame because it's an ideal spot, high on a hill, but dad's response was final.

    Deep breath.

    Is there anything you'd like, I ask? 'Yes, my bank card'. Okkkk.
    'And there's a pair of trousers in the wardrobe that aren't mine'.
    'And I want to go back to my house for a day to do all the odd jobs' i.e. cut hedges / charge car battery / pick up bedside clock.

    Deep breath.

    'Oh, and I want to buy a present for the carer who's been taking me out for walks in the mornings... perhaps a pair of boots... is £70 too much?'

    Aaargh!!!!

    Now, the carer is lovely, I have no problem with dad buying her a gift if he wants to, but I've just wasted half a weekend loading up an iPad, driven for an hour to get there and could actually do with a pair of boots myself! Talk about salt in the wound!

    Of course, I bit my tongue, and we parted on good terms as we usually do, but I think I need to leave it a few days before I go back. Hope I'm not sounding unreasonable... I'm just so bone-achingly tired of it all!!!
     
  2. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    257
    Norfolk
    Just wanted to say I understand. Having just had the week from hell fighting for my mums rights I see her today and she says what are you doing here and you'd better go now as we set foot in the door!
     
  3. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    464
    Female
    Cheshire
    Thanks daisydi, and sorry to hear you had a rough week. I know many of us are in a similar position and maybe I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm a very tolerant person most of the time, but (bless him) dad sometimes pushes me to my limits without even realising. It's not malicious on his part, or anything, it's more thoughtlessness and maybe that's where the memory issues & disorientation come in.

    Like you, I had the distinct impression today that dad would have been quite happy without me there... yet, he texted and rang several times this weekend which is why I went across.

    I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes I feel like I'm just an unpaid servant! But then I remember why I'm doing it :)
     

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