How can we persuade him to pay for his care

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Ponddweller, Sep 26, 2019.

  1. Ponddweller

    Ponddweller New member

    Jun 20, 2019
    5
    Hello all,
    My Dad had his referral at the Memory Clinic on Monday. We're waiting for a CT scan before final diagnosis but I'm pretty sure we'll get a dementia diagnosis. He was told at the appointment not to drive at night or on the motorway but instantly forgot and has been hassling a friend who lives an hour away to go out for a meal in the evening. He received a letter from the clinic today saying not to drive at all and he hit the roof. Funnily enough the shock made him quite lucid and cogent in his argument that it was "pure ageism". I live more than 150 miles from him but my sister lives 15 mins from him. However she's going through chemotherapy and is now finding the short daily visits too much. The clinic nurse, unprompted, told us that Dad needs daily domiciliary care (just 30 mins or so), even before the diagnosis. We decided against raising it today, but we'll need to very shortly.

    My difficulty is, we have had an agency round "for a chat" before, that didn't go down well. I'm hoping that I can frame it in terms of he needs carers for my sister's benefit, not that he can remember she's ill, or seems that concerned. However, he's become really mean with his money and won't spend anything. He's said, if we want him to have care, we have to pay for it. We do have power of attorney, just waiting for the objection period to pass, but even when this is finalised, doesn't he still have control of his finances? If we can't persuade him to take on responsibility for paying them, are we just stuck?
    Any advice very gratefully received!
     
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,179
    Nottinghamshire
    Hello @Ponddweller

    If you have power of attorney you can arrange carers for your dad and pay the bills from his account.
    My dad had no idea he was paying.
    I explained to the agency that dad had dementia and thought he needed no help and told him the carers were going to help me as I had to work.

    The bills were emailed to me.

    I hope your sister does well with her chemo treatment. I'm sure she doesn't need the stress of managing your dad as well!

    Have you managed to dissuade him from driving?
     
  3. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    #3 Rosettastone57, Sep 26, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
    If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever. It's unlikely that you will persuade your father to accept that he needs help, if it was anything like my mother-in-law ,as far as she was concerned ,there was absolutely nothing wrong with her . The reality was she could do little for herself.

    I had lasting power of attorney for finances over my mother-in-law. I didn't discuss with her whether she was going to have carers or not, my husband and I simply arranged it paying for them out of her account. She was self-funding and I simply asked the care agency to send all the bills to me. We were online banking she never had any bills at all and using power of attorney all her post was redirected to me. She never at any point saw how much she was paying for the care.

    My mother-in-law started out with a morning visit of 30 minutes 7 days a week to make sure she had a cup of tea and something to eat. As her condition deteriorated this was increased to a lunchtime visit when it became apparent she could no longer plan or make meals for herself. She was still able to do personal care of sorts throughout the period of time that the carers visited which was over 3 years her hair was never washed. This was not the fault of the carers she simply refused.

    I would tell your father that you have agreed to pay for it although the reality is it's actually coming out of his account. I appreciate this might seem a completely over-the-top lie , but I'm afraid with this illness first of all you have to develop a thick skin and be prepared to tell love lies. You will find there are many members on this forum who are familiar with this term and are using them all the time. My husband and I quickly learnt to lie very effectively to my mother-in-law in order to make sure that she got the care she needed
     
  4. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever. It's unlikely that you will persuade your father to accept that he needs help, if it was anything like my mother-in-law ,as far as she was concerned ,there was absolutely nothing wrong with her . The reality was she could do little for herself.

    I had lasting power of attorney for finances over my mother-in-law. I didn't discuss with her whether she was going to have carers or not, my husband and I simply arranged it paying for them out of her account. She was self-funding and I simply asked the care agency to send all the bills to me. We were online banking she never had any bills at all and using power of attorney all her post was redirected to me. She never at any point saw how much she was paying for the care.

    My mother-in-law started out with a morning visit of 30 minutes 7 days a week to make sure she had a cup of tea and something to eat. As her condition deteriorated this was increased to a lunchtime visit when it became apparent she could no longer plan or make meals for herself. She was still able to do personal care of sorts throughout the period of time that the carers visited which was over 3 years her hair was never washed. This was not the fault of the carers she simply refused.

    I would tell your father that you have agreed to pay for it although the reality is it's actually coming out of his account. I appreciate this might seem a completely over-the-top lie , but I'm afraid with this illness first of all you have to develop a thick skin and be prepared to tell love lies. You will find there are many members on this forum who are familiar with this term and are using them all the time. My husband and I quickly learnt to lie very effectively to my mother-in-law in order to make sure that she got the care she needed

    Sorry seen this is posted twice!!
     
  5. Ponddweller

    Ponddweller New member

    Jun 20, 2019
    5
    Thanks all so so much. It's so good to be able to draw on such a wealth of experience. So, once the POA is confirmed, we can just take the letter to his bank? I almost wish he was a bit further along the road. I think at the moment he'd start noticing that he wasn't getting bank statements - he does seem to have developed a bit of an obsession with bank statements as they're deposited all over the house! I suppose we can ask his bank to turn his current account into an online one.

    I'm keeping everything crossed that he has taken on board the driving thing. He did say he'd have to call his friend and say he couldn't drive over to see him. I have been reading other posts about fluctuating capacity today as it's such a shock when he suddenly starts being so with it!
     
  6. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Take his car keys away ''Oh where ever they have gone? '' because if he does drive when having had his licence revoked, his insurance will not be valid.

    please dont leave it to chance
     
  7. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    172

    We do everything financial online for Mother. I also ensured that paper statements going to her address were stopped as it only added to her confusion when she opened them. She knew what they were but because of her dementia, seemed unable to interpret what the figures meant. For a while she mentioned she hadn’t been receiving them so I said rather vaguely to leave it with me and I would chase the bank up and she soon forgot about them. It’s funny how on one hand PWD can be very “money” and cash aware but on the other, never query how their bills are settled or shopping paid for.
     
  8. Hazel P

    Hazel P New member

    Oct 30, 2018
    9
    Hello All, and welcome Ponddweller. I recognise much of what you describe. My dad lives alone with Alzheimer’s and is refusing to accept any help from carers even though he agreed in principle a few months ago. In my opinion, he is capable of making this decision even though I think it’s a bad decision. I don’t believe a PoA helps you get around that. The crux of it is whether your father (and mine) still has capacity to make his own choices. It’s not easy but this forum is fabulous for gettinf ideas and support
     
  9. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,772
    Female
    I realise you asked this question a few weeks ago, but if you are still reading - no you can't just take the letter to his bank. You need to take the original LPA, or a certified copy, along to the bank with whatever ID they require (ID for you, not your dad). If you take the original, don't let it out of your sight.

    Once you have lodged the POA you can dictate where statements are sent, or have them switched to online only, but of course he may notice their absence.

    Getting the person to accept the help you organise is another matter of course.
     

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