How can I support my mum when I live 60miles away?

[Tracybird]

Hello my dad was diagnosed with frontal temperal dementia 4-5 years ago, my mum cares for him really well , they live 60 miles away from me and I work part time and have two boys under 12, recently my dad has become very agitated and aggressive which is so scary for mum and I feel helpless! I do go down to see them and stay over once a week I call mum everyday, his sun downing is off the scale at the moment and the memory clinic have put him on a anti psychotic drug he has Been taking it for two weeks but it almost seems to make him worse??!! I have never in my life been so stressed and sad ( and I've had 10 IVF treatments and adopted my two sons and nursed my father in law through Parkinson's) so am used to stressful times but my poor mum is such a strong capable lady and is so tired she's on her knees. They have a great gp, the nurses at the memory clinic are good too but it seems no tablet makes my dad sleep, he sleeps once mum goes to bed. He goes to bed at 7 because he hates the telly and that used to be the time when mum could relax. Does anyone have any suggestions or advise I feel we are as a family in crisis. Because dad is in the mixed demtentia and relatively young at 72 my mum is a very young 68 the respite day care my dad refused to stay for a cup of tea because he was too young and said "it's full of old people in here " . Sorry for the long thread I just started typing and couldn't seem to stop! Thank you to who ever listening and I know you are feeling our pain.... Take care all of you truly amazing carers

 

[HillyBilly]

Hello Traceybird and welcome to TP.
I'm sorry you and your Mum are going through this but you will certainly get lots of support and advice here.
Aggression is not uncommon unfortunately. If the meds aren't working your Dad's GP must be advised. On a practical level, your Mum should make sure she has a safe place she can go to in the house, a room that she can lock herself in, a charged mobile phone, some bottled water etc. Just in case. Also a list of phone nos to call. Her own safety is paramount.
If your poor Mum is already "on her knees" then would you consider emergency respite for your Dad (Mum).
It must be very distressing for you all, these "early" stages often seem to be the worst.
I know there are many others on here dealing with FTD and they will be able to offer you advice too x

 

[Tracybird]

Hello Traceybird and welcome to TP.
I'm sorry you and your Mum are going through this but you will certainly get lots of support and advice here.
Aggression is not uncommon unfortunately. If the meds aren't working your Dad's GP must be advised. On a practical level, your Mum should make sure she has a safe place she can go to in the house, a room that she can lock herself in, a charged mobile phone, some bottled water etc. Just in case. Also a list of phone nos to call. Her own safety is paramount.
If your poor Mum is already "on her knees" then would you consider emergency respite for your Dad (Mum).
It must be very distressing for you all, these "early" stages often seem to be the worst.
I know there are many others on here dealing with FTD and they will be able to offer you advice too x

Thank you hillybilly for your prompt and kind response. I think my mum feels that because my dad still recognises us all and even though in the evening will need reminding that he is in his own house he couldn't go to respite?? My mum says she can cope fine during the day and I told her to keep her mobile on her etc but the night time lack of sleep is just draining her so therefore she isn't as able to cope as well during the day.

 

[HillyBilly]

Respite is mostly for your Mum, to give her a much-needed break. Lack of sleep is the worst and your poor Mum will be suffering without decent sleep.
All sorts of people go into respite for all sorts of reasons. You may be entitled to some free respite or you may have to pay for it (by you, I mean your Dad) but do approach Social Services and/or the Alzheimer's Society. Certainly flag things up to your dad's GP, also your Mum's GP.
Your Mum needs a break so that she can continue to care for as long as she feels able and she is also entitled to a Carer's Assessment x

 

[Meanmum]

My advice would be to contact Social Services to ask for a Carers assessment for your Mum. That should start the ball rolling on help for them both, and be a gateway to other services.

 

[Realeyez9]

Hello TracyBird

Hello my dad was diagnosed with frontal temperal dementia 4-5 years ago, my mum cares for him really well , they live 60 miles away from me and I work part time and have two boys under 12, recently my dad has become very agitated and aggressive which is so scary for mum and I feel helpless! I do go down to see them and stay over once a week I call mum everyday, his sun downing is off the scale at the moment and the memory clinic have put him on a anti psychotic drug he has Been taking it for two weeks but it almost seems to make him worse??!! I have never in my life been so stressed and sad ( and I've had 10 IVF treatments and adopted my two sons and nursed my father in law through Parkinson's) so am used to stressful times but my poor mum is such a strong capable lady and is so tired she's on her knees. They have a great gp, the nurses at the memory clinic are good too but it seems no tablet makes my dad sleep, he sleeps once mum goes to bed. He goes to bed at 7 because he hates the telly and that used to be the time when mum could relax. Does anyone have any suggestions or advise I feel we are as a family in crisis. Because dad is in the mixed demtentia and relatively young at 72 my mum is a very young 68 the respite day care my dad refused to stay for a cup of tea because he was too young and said "it's full of old people in here " . Sorry for the long thread I just started typing and couldn't seem to stop! Thank you to who ever listening and I know you are feeling our pain.... Take care all of you truly amazing carers

Hello I'm feeling your pain this sounds so similar to my story. Live 70 miles away work fulltime. 2 children under 10. Mum 72 awaiting diagnosis but she is in the stages where she get aggressive with dad and he is struggling to cope. Definitely in the evening her aggressiveness gets worse. Dad starting to suffer with anxiety. Mum feels like dad is trying to put her in care home so she is really resistant to respite. However we have been able to provide respite for dad through friends and family. However mum gets more confused being out of her own home. Thank you for your post. Thinking of you.

 

[lostdaughter]

Thinking of you

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you.
My dad has Alzheimer's and is a carer for his wife with Alzheimer's and they are very far away so I have no practical advice as I'm not involved in his care but I'm sorry that it's like this for you.