How can I put him in a home? Any advice welcome!

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by DagraNumber1, Jul 3, 2019.

  1. DagraNumber1

    DagraNumber1 New member

    Jul 3, 2019
    Can anyone relate to this and give me some coping advice?
    I am so lucky to have had my grandad, let’s call him Dagra, till he’s 81. I know that I really do. He’s just the best, my hero. He has advanced Alzheimer’s and he can’t live at home anymore, he really can’t, it’s not safe. I’ve been to some places for a look around. I feel like they are all like colditz, even with warm staff and bright walls. I can’t bare it.

    I’m busting into tears a lot, I think I’m a bit depressed, I just feel hugely guilty, I feel all sorts of horror and awful and like I’m betraying him. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to go and visit him in there and look him in his eyes. No other place feels good enough for my Dagra, I have feelings that I almost wish for him to die quickly, so he stops suffering and that makes me guilty too. Then I think about his funeral and I just don’t know how I’d cope with that day. Advanced Alzheimer’s is foul isn’t it. He has complex additions like Lewy bodies and Parkinsonisms also. I try and try to cling to every smile, every time we connect and share a song or a memory. But they’re getting so rare. He is mostly distressed and anxious. How is he going to feel when he has to go into the home. So betrayed by me isn't he. Anyway, I’m having a wobble and a good cry. Things look better in the morning. I’m struggling though. Xxx DagraNumber1
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @DagraNumber1
    a warm welcome to DTP
    it's not at all easy to begin to accept the fact that a person we love, respect and admire needs to move into full time care so that they have a team of people around them to provide the support they need
    and it's so sad to be faced with losing that person a little more each day
    it's not surprising that you feel nothing and nowhere will be 'the best'
    or that you are having a wobble
    it is wonderful that you are there for your grandad and will be looking out for him, he's fortunate to have you by his side
    we can't take all this away but you have found a community of folk who understand and will offer sympathy and support, so keep posting, it does help to share experiences
  3. DagraNumber1

    DagraNumber1 New member

    Jul 3, 2019
    Thanks so much xx
    I knew it would help, I’m not a message board person really but I think I’m going to really need you!
  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    I had exactly the same feelings about my dad last year but when I eventually accepted that he needed to be in a carehome. Then I realised that instead of being confused and scared by not knowing where he was or who the carers were he was actually happier than he had been at home.

    It took him a few weeks to settle but once he had I felt better knowing he was well looked after and was no longer distressed and anxious.

    It was still sad watching him disappear bit by bit though...and I admit I was both shocked and relieved when he died suddenly. It's a vile disease and I think most of us wish for a merciful release for our loved ones.
  5. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    Hi, Dagra, I am curious about your name. I think that we all feel the same as you. The difficulty is we tend to see things from our point of view not the person who is ill and needs help.
    What we see as restriction, they can see as security. It sounds as if your Granddad needs a bit of loving care and sometimes this takes a team of people. I have a similar dilemma I and my husband are older than him so I am trying to consider it from older eyes.
    I am spending two weeks in a carehome in a quiet room while my husband is being cared for to give me respite.
    It is interesting to see how people settle and adjust. There is a comfort we cannot always provide at home.
    Some do say they want to go home, but this is not to their old life but to a previous time when they were fit and healthy. Men seem to be happy with a bevy of young people seeing to their needs.
    Over the day there is so much love and laughter and genuine care. If someone needed a hospital one would not refuse them that level of care. Many reach a stage when more care than one person can give is needed.
    We have to be careful to avoid projecting our own fear and feelings on to those we love. Take care, your tears are grief, we all grieve when we reach a stage of seeing someone so ill. AliceA
  6. Love&Hope

    Love&Hope Registered User

    Jun 24, 2019
    I recently went through the same dilemma as you're going through. I placed my father in a home 2 weeks ago. I've never posted anything on any forum before, but I was glad to stumble upon this website...I posted a message and received comforting thread is called "moving my dad into a home" in case you want to look at the posts there. My dad is settling into the home, but it's been difficult...especially seeing as how he is physically fit compared to many of the other residents. He also happens to be the only man in his unit, which makes socializing all the more difficult for him. But I think he feels safe there. The anxiety he felt at the beginning is tapering off. I, like you, have been crying a lot. I cried before placing him there, and I'm still really sad but slowly feeling better as I now realize that things are going better than I expected. My dad doesn't feel any resentment towards me nor my mother. We were afraid that he would hate us. We've been able to visit him, and the visits have gone well... We thought he would cling on to us and beg to come home. He does call me up to six times per day, asking when I'm coming to pick him up. ...but that's it. He is in the home for a temporary stay (because that was the only spot available at the moment). Permanent spots open up rather easily, so the temp stay will hopefully turn into a permanent stay, but in his mind he believes he is coming out in two months....somehow that makes the whole process more bearable to him, all the while giving him time to adjust to his new environment. We'll see how it goes. Best of luck to you in making your decision. With you support, love and attention, home placement should go well for your grandfather. And you'll feel better knowing that he's safe and well cared for.
  7. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    @DagraNumber1 It's one of the most difficult decisions we have to make for our loved ones. My late husband had to move to full time care in 2014. It had got to the stage where I couldn't give him the care he needed, on my own. He was not eating or drinking nearly enough, wouldn't allow me help with personal care or toileting.... All our life together, he used to say that he was NEVER to be put in a home. However, it got to the stage that I had to make the decision that was in his best interests, and not necessarily what he wanted when he was well. When he moved in to a Nursing Home, it took about three weeks for him to settle. First, he wanted to come with me when I left. Then, as he settled, he wanted me to stay with him. Once in the home, he actually thrived, and did much better than he had been at home. He ate in the dining room with company, which encouraged him to eat more. He gained weight, and looked so much better, being clean and well groomed. He was safe, and well cared for. When he got up and wandered around at night, there were always staff there to help him find his way back to his room.

    It's not a decision any of us want to make. But very often, there comes a point when, in order to provide the best level of care for our loved ones, the care they should be getting, we have to accept that a fully staffed, fully equipped nursing home can provide that level of care that we, alone, could never manage. It was a horrible decision to have to make for my husband, but tbh, it was the best decision I could have made. For both of us. Because once he was in the nursing home, we regained a quality of relationship that had been eroded by the enormous task and stresses of being his Carer. I was able to go visit him and sit with him in the afternoons, just relaxing with him. And because I wasn't needing to do his personal care, he became more relaxed with me again too. Also, he never once showed aggression toward the uniformed, male staff that did his toileting and personal care. He understood that they were there to help, and were doing their job. Whereas, I suppose, he couldn't understand why I was doing that.

    Oh, and his nursing home was locked, not in a "prison" type of way, but to keep residents safe. My husband was a wanderer, and when he went to the home, he didn't look like a resident. He was a tall, straight figure, was well dressed and well groomed. He could have wandered out when a visitor was leaving, easily, but for the fact that a staff member always had to let visitors in and out.
  8. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    I think LadyA is exactly right. No one relishes this, but I had the same experience with my Mum. Once she moved into a care home, she was much more relaxed and secure in an environment where less was expected of her and we knew she was safe.
  9. DagraNumber1

    DagraNumber1 New member

    Jul 3, 2019
    Oh my goodness. I can’t explain to you in words, every one of you, how much comfort these stories give me. I feel new hope this morning. I haven't felt that in a long time. Thank you all genuinely from the bottom of my heart. I’ve screen-shotted your replies for difficult days. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    P.s Couldn’t say grandad when I was a baby, said Dagra, it stuck, I’m the eldest.
  10. DagraNumber1

    DagraNumber1 New member

    Jul 3, 2019
    Thank you @Helly68. To hear that helps so much thank you xxxx
  11. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    #11, Jul 4, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2019
    I had all the same guilty emotions when I had to take the decision for dad, it was a very traumatic experience and dad took many months to settle to any degree.

    However, what helped me was never to use the phrase 'put him in a home'. I changed my mindset, although obviously I had many wobbles from time to time and even over 2 years since he died those emotions are sometimes just under the surface but along with an end of life decision I had to take, it was the right decision for dad at the right time.

    I replaced the 'put' phrase with 'moved dad into a different home that could keep him safe and continue to be well cared for with 24/7 dementia expertise that no matter how willing I was, the illness and its' challenges had declined beyond what I could manage.

    For me 'put' sounds cold and matter of fact, the absolute opposite to what we all feel who have reached that inevitable stage...we have to take that decision with kindness in our hearts for our loved one because we are able to recognise that it is their best interests however hard for us. It is a kind and caring decision. Also try to remember it is the dementia driving these decisions ...often there is no other option.
  12. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    You are so right. How we express words really helps. x
  13. Delilah63

    Delilah63 Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    Im just driving away from my mum and dads house after staying with them for a couple of days. I feel so scared and at sea trying to know what to do for the best. He has a diagnosis and whilst he still looks like hes coping, he's deteriorating very quickly, and mum, shes a different kettle of fish, no dementia diagnosed bit long long term depression and anxiety and refusal to talk or face up to anything, and me, feeling scared about how to know what to do for the best..
    Not good at using forums at all, but happened upon this thread and feel so reassured that I'm not alone with this, and that sometimes it is ok just to try your best to make the right decisions. I think this is the worst nightmare of a place for dad to find himself at the end of a life of dignified coping, and i sometimes think my heart is goimg to break, but it has helped reading these replies, thanks all

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