How can I leave after visiting?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Jessie, Jul 4, 2004.

  1. Jessie

    Jessie Registered User

    Jun 9, 2004
    1
    gloucestershire
    I would be so grateful to hear of your experiences in dealing with the following>


    On most occasions when i visit my husband, who has been in a Nursing Home for 5 months, he asks such questions as:

    "can't you come and live with me here?" or

    "I just want to be with you PLEASE" or

    "why can't we be together?"

    These sentences are obviously extremely important to him as normally he has difficulty in uttering more than a few words.
    I would love to be able to respond in a way that is least upsetting for him.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dea Jessie,

    It must be really hearbreaking for you to have to tear yourself away after a meeting and to have your husband implore you to stay like this.

    I remember when I had to go into hospital when I was about 4 years old and nobody actually told me that anyone would visit me and I felt totally abandoned. It was really frightening.

    Perhaps if you could reassure your husband both verbally [which he may forget] and by writing your message down for him, then he would be able to read this and know that you will definitely be coming back to see him the next day.

    Hope this may help.

    Jude
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Jessie

    Yes, it IS hell, isn't it?

    Do you visit at the same time every day? On the one hand that can be good as you establish a routine so that, for a time at least, they can realise you WILL be there.

    On the other hand, visiting at different times can make it seem you are always around there, but are doing other things when you are not with him.

    Basically he is scared that when you leave, you will not return. When you go, he is surrounded by strangers and gets scared. And of course he still wants to be back with you.

    Regarding his questions.... I think you have to lie. Sounds bad, but we all have to do it at one time or another with this illness.

    "can't you come and live with me here?"

    - there's no space for us both just at present, but we are waiting for someone to leave and perhaps.......

    "I just want to be with you PLEASE" and "why can't we be together?"

    - yes, and of course I want to be with you as well, but I have to go to work/shopping/ to do something else. I will be back really soon.

    Always reassure about continuing to be there for him. Make each visit an occasion - bring in something he might like, even if he forgets about whatever it is seconds after you have mentioned it.

    It is a horrible time!
     
  4. karen_white

    karen_white Registered User

    Apr 21, 2004
    72
    Berkshire
    We find that telling Dad that he will be coming home when he's well enough works with him. I guess you have to find the best way to 'lie' to your husband.

    It must be so much harder when it comes to a partner I guess you have to do what you feel is best in the end.

    When Dad would mention the works home (he doesn't talk much at all now) or would get frustrated when we would leave we'd say that he has to build up his strength and that's why he's still there. We tell him as soon as the Doctor gives him the all clear he'll be home in no time. Some people may think this is cruel, but Dad is comforted by this - albeit for a short time when he forgets. We know Dad will never come home either and it can be painful at times, but we try anything to make Dad calmer and happier, rather than confused and upset.

    What helps with my Dad was that he spent a lot of his young life in a converlesent home (he had TB in his teens). We don't know how much of this he remembers, if any, but he may relate to a time earlier in his life, so he does believe he may come home.

    Is there anything that happened to your husband when he was younger? Was he in hospital at all in his life? Finding something you can both relate to might work.

    I hope you find a way that works best for you and your husband. take care.
    Karen
     
  5. ceri99

    ceri99 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2004
    1
    Aylesbury
    Jessie, I know it's heartbreaking isn't it. We tend to use the same reasoning as the posting above. My Mum will agree that there is something wrong with her head and we simply say that when the doctors can make her head/headaches better we can see about her going home. My Mum now thinks that she is a child and wants to go home to her mum and dad (Mum's 84). The best advise I was given was from a friend who was working in a care home at the time. Tell them anything which will make the moment easier to bear, both for you and them.
     

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