How can I know what's best?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by inbetween, Dec 4, 2005.

  1. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    Hello Everyone,
    I am finding myself with something of a dilemma and in real need of hearing from others who have ever found themselves with similar problems.
    My father had AD and at this moment is in a nursing home for respite care. He is 75. His AD has progressed rapidly these last two years due to many factors not least of which is poor diabetes diet control. My mum is 74 and has been his main carer although I have been around 3 or 4 times a week for the two years. My own relationship with my mum has been poor since I was a child(I was a daddy's girl and she didn't like it). Her way of coping with my dad's deterioration has been to drink too much too often and hasn't taken kindly to what she has perceived as my interference. Things came to a terrible head two weeks back when I called unexpectedly(something I don't usually do)to find a situation which terrified me. Dad can't use the phone, open the door or find help and mum was not capable of care-I won't go into details as I am sure you can imagine. The social services have been involved for a long time but my call that night to them triggered a big step up and my dad's resulting respite. My mum's reaction to this is to turn her venom on me, including putting a note in dad's pocket to tell him it was me who put him in the home. I am now not welcome at their home, she has barracaded the door I have a key to and is saying some terrible things about me to anyone who will listen. I visited my dad two days ago in the care home and was shocked at how he has deteriorated further, although he was thrilled to see me and sobbed in my arms. My mother has told social workers that she will let me see him if I basically make an appointment first. I can't cope with the thought of not seeing him, but likewise can't cope with her animosity that would make me and him feel bad. He is due to return home in two days and I am torn and hurting. I feel selfish for feeling so badly. I know dad will forget my visits and the last thing I want is to make a bad situation worse but I fear for his safety and am not sure who is listening to my concerns. Whatever should I do?
     
  2. Finnian

    Finnian Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    60
    U.K.
    whats best

    Hi inbetween,

    Glad you have found this site. I'd like to offer you some friendship. You seem to be between a rock and a hard place.

    Is there anyone within the Social Services team you could speak to about your concerns? They have obviously reacted to your phone call in providing respite care. Are they really going to send Dad home ? You could ask what extra care is being provided for Dad or what support for Mum. Ask them if there is a way to tackle the visiting. Is there anyone (family, friend or professional) who could act as chaperone when you visit ? Would this help smooth things over with Mum ?

    I'm sorry I don't have any bright ideas for you. I'm sure others will post soon with some suggestions. Keep your chin up.

    Finnian
     
  3. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    thanks...

    Thanks Finnian, your contact is very welcome.
    There is talk of domiciliary care, getting someone to go in each day to help with getting dad ready etc, and they are going to extend the number of days dad can go to a day centre. The domiciliary stuff is causing a problem apparently as they can't get anyone - a shortage before Christmas apparently and are looking at agency staff. I don't know if it will work out. I think the social worker's going to try to persuade mum to leave him in respite until it can be organised properly. All of this is "second hand" knowledge through my sister who has been on the phone(she lives miles away) to help sort it.
    I am feeling sad and frustrated. I want dad safe more than anything and at least I know he is at the moment.
    Thanks for your contact, it is much appreciated.
     
  4. boomer

    boomer Registered User

    Nov 21, 2005
    20
    peak district england
    hi........

    today is "D" day i am hoping everything is going to be ok.........will be in touch with mum and s.s today and if anything is new i will let you know.......will be in touch soon.....A x
     
  5. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    thanx

    Thanks Anne,
    Can't concentrate on work today....my head is elsewhere....talk soon
    Sue
    x
     
  6. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    as expected....

    Dad went home from Respite yesterday. Heard from my sister last night, late on, that mum had phoned her in tears saying she couldn't cope as dad had been very aggressive, very difficult and he has sent the domicilliary care people packing, not wanting them in the house. Being excluded from the contact is hard, Mum is still not wanting me around. Still worried for my dad's safety........no idea what to do. It seem I can't fix any of it nor protect my dad.
     
  7. Finnian

    Finnian Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    60
    U.K.
    worried about Dad

    Inbetween

    Sorry to hear the problems. Try going back to Social Services. They will have a record of the carers being sent away. Would your sister back you up. She must be worried too. Mum sounds as if she is struggling. As an outsider it sounds as this option just isn't working and there are concerns for Dads wellfare.

    I've never been in this situation so I'm not sure the best course of action but S.S. must have dealt with something similar.

    Thinking of you

    Finnian
     
  8. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    thanks

    Thanks Finnian,
    I have had to back off a lot.......the whole situation is getting to me and I am trying not to be useless for my own family by being in the mire of all this......I haven't heard whether the Domicilliary stuff is working or not, though I am not sure if truth would come out anyway. I suppose I am being a bit of an ostrich and hiding....my sister is still in contact and mum has the door still bolted to me......I find I am praying a lot!!!! Time will tell.
     
  9. inmyname

    inmyname Guest

    Maybe your Mother is sadly following in your fathers footsteps

    IMHE Unreasonable behaviour like you desribe seems to be a precurser to Alzheimers and of course its also aligned to heavy drinking

    The elderly generally can be pretty obstinate and you cant reason with them especially when any kind of "drug or toxin " is affecting their brain

    They get a bee in their bonnet and you cant shift it

    However hard it is you have a life ahead of you and a family / children and for once you will need to think of them

    Your Mother may come round in time but the more you push the harder she will push you away
     
  10. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi inbetween,
    I feel so badly for you. My Mom can be obstinate, she yelled at me tonight for contradicting her ( she has AD) . It does sound like your mother has some problems of her own, so try not to take it personally. This disease is just awful and brings out the worse in our old folks. I have developed quite a tough skin thourghout this and that isn't all bad because I've always been such a push over!
    Not being from your region I can't offer any advice except to say, take care of yourself and your own family first and eventually there will be an opening where you can step in and take control of your parents.
    Take care,
    Debbie
     
  11. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Inbetween,

    Just read your post and thought I'd write immediately.

    Please don't feel guilty or selfish about your actions. You have done exactly the right thing by stepping in and informing the SS that your mother isn't coping. Carers have to be on the ball almost 24 hours a day and that's going to be incredibly difficult for your mother if she's elderly, is lacking sleep - and now has a drinking problem to content with as well.

    It rather sounds as if your Mum needs some help and support too. You mention that she's been your father's principal carer for a couple of years and resenting any interference [ie help] from you. Many elderly people are often very unwilling to admit that they can no longer cope and tend to take out their frustrations on their immediate family.

    If you can possibly meet up with your mother, then it might be a good time to try and mend some fences. It does rather sound as if she needs some support right now. Knowing that you love her and will be there to support her and your father may help initially. Just telling her this may go a long way to help repair your relationship.

    Best wishes,

    Jude
     
  12. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    difficult holidays...

    Thank you everyone for your kind words of comfort, and comfort they certainly have. I have not seen my dad now since he was in respite care. My mother still has the back door bolted to me(the door I have a key for) and I have been told via my sister that she expects an apology from me. She is still going on about me phoning the SS, and for taking the bottles from her house(on the advice of the SS-she claims I ransacked her house) in spite of my sister telling her I only phoned the SS on her recommendation, and only took the alcohol on the SS suggestion.......she is not listening. She is remembering apparent slights and "bad things" I've done since I was 3 (I'm 46 now)......I am on a hiding to nothing - she can hold a grudge a long while can my mother! I am thinking of visiting my dad in one of the day centres he goes to. I know he won't remember my name, tho may realise I am one of his daughters, as I am so reluctant to call at their house. I don't want my mother to be unpleasant to me, not least because it would upset my dad as much as me but because I know he will forget my visit within minutes of my leaving and a visit will not fix things. I am trying to come to terms with the loss of my father even though he is clearly still living.....my dad has gone. And I am simply very sad.
    I got a letter from the SS to tell me that in their opinion mum was capable of looking after my dad. So be it. She now has domiciliary care workers in to help but is resisting this to some extent (I know this only through contact with my sister who is talking to her on the phone.) I still have the financial stuff to deal with as I have EPA for my father.......the whole situation has been difficult to deal with and I am trying hard not to dwell on it. My sons made my Christmas as wonderful as they could but 2005 will be a year full of sad memories.
     
  13. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    #13 daughter, Dec 31, 2005
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2005
    " I am thinking of visiting my dad in one of the day centres he goes to. " - what a good idea, inbetween. Especially if you speak to the staff first and explain the situation, I would think they would be pleased for you to visit your Dad, there's certainly no harm in asking is there?

    My Dad's in a Home and I don't think he knows who I am most of the time but that hasn't stopped us having some good times when I visit. The situation with your Mum sounds like it may take a quite a while to resolve, but that shouldn't stop you from seeing your Dad. Here's hoping for a better 2006 for you.
     
  14. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Inbetween,

    I agree with daughter. Do go and see your father. It will be a comffort to both of you I'm sure. I hope you can resolve things with your mother later on.

    Wishing you a wonderful 2006.

    Jude
     
  15. soozieann

    soozieann Registered User

    Dec 7, 2005
    20
    Wallington
    My heart goes out to you. As I was reading all of the postings I can't help but agree that your mother has real problems with her relationship with you and maybe even further back with her parents? You cannot be held responsible for this. However, she must be hurting too to hurt you so badly- have you thought of writing to her to tell her how much you love her and how you feel? It may do no good of course, but at least you have tried and can maybe let some of the frustration go.

    I also agree that you should go and see your father. I know exactly how it feels to lose the parent you knew with them still being alive, but sometimes when I've visited my mother, we've had a laugh and a good time, albeit through some very surreal conversations!

    I wish you and all your family every happiness for 2006. Nothing lasts forever, and you will be happy again.

    Soozieann
    xx
     
  16. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    9
    Durham
    and still in continues....

    My sister is visiting this weekend....she was to talk to mum about the things mum is saying about me.......I spoke to my sister this morning when she was at my parents home and she asked me if she could persuade mum to talk to me would I talk to her on the phone....to which I said yes. Mum has already apologised to my younger sister about things she said about her, and stated that it was "all Sue's doing"........
    can't help but feel sad that there is such venom in the things that my mother is directing towards me.......not at all sure how to deal with that.
    I have heard nothing from my sister since so can only assume that mum is still refusing to have anything to do with me.......
    Dad continues to deteriorate and I was told today that he is to go into respite again, though this time the place is not as nice.......as he was noticeably poorer when I was seeing him every two days and it is a month since I have seen him at all I wonder how much more of him is gone......
    I wish I didn't feel so sad.
     

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