1. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi @Rosettastone57
    Mum often says that she doesn't need the carers and asks why they are still coming . My sister and I just say that we need them to come in as it gives us peace of mind and at the moment she seems to accept this. We will stay firm and definitely not cancel them in the hope at some point she will be more open to offers of help for other things too.
     
  2. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi
    Have spoken with my sister about doing an Internet food shop to help ease her load but she is wondering if the person who delivers the food will put it away (as mum gets confused about what needs to go in the fridge), or whether they just bring it into the house then go. Does it mean trying to coincide the delivery with a carers visit or has anyone an idea of how to get round this if it proves a problem?
     
  3. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,311
    Female
    Chester
    I have an internet food shop (have had for years) and they will bring the crates into your kitchen but you have to unload them and sign for the shop. Like all delivery drivers they are on a strict timetable and only have so much time allocated to each drop off so I think you would need to arrange for a carer to be there. Others may have more experience of this.

    The company I use has strict one hour drop off slots. They can come early, but are never late, and if they are early you can refuse to have them and ask them to come back later (we did this sometimes when kids were younger) and sometimes when they have come early we haven't been in so they have parked up round the corner and waited. However I understand you can have it marked on your customer record not to come early.
     
  4. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Thanks for your reply @jugglingmum
    I will talk to my sister and see if we can coincide a shopping drop with a carers visit to help make life a bit easier for her.
     
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,181
    Some of the home delivery frozen meals are delivered directly to the freezer, assuming the driver is allowed in!

    Bod
     
  6. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Thanks Bod. Ive just being looking at Farm Foods brochure and see there are lots of things mum would like. It's good to know the driver will put meals into the freezer, that would cut down on finding food in strange places!
     
  7. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Just a quick update. I was feeling quite pleased as I'd had a chat with my sister and agreed I'd set up an Internet shop and carer visit to put food in the right place for weekly "fresh" things, bread, milk, fruit, yoghurt etc. Then I'd stock up on washing up liquid, cleaning stuff, heavy/bulky items on my monthly visit. Mum had 2 weekly shops, but my sister has just phoned to say she's had statement through from carers company and obviously seen the shop requires a one hour carer visit and we(!!)are not paying that amount for carer to just put food away . I tactfully tried to say it's mum who's paying, and carer could hopefully do some other things for mum whilst there, tho we do know mum won't like that. Sister says it's a waste and now saying its not too hard for her to do mums weekly shop at the same time she does her own. So I just agreed to do whatever my sister feels best and be in a "you can only try" mindset!! On a more positive note, when I was at mums last weekend I organised some quotes to replace the front door which is warped and a bit dodgy, and have booked them in to do the work when I'm back next month, so sister was pleased about that.
     
  8. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Well the front door has been replaced and looks much better, but despite sorting this on my last monthly visit and taking mum for a dental check and meeting care company for a review, it seems that I'm still not doing enough . I can't do my regular month visit next month but wanted to do the week later. I suggested the care company could do an extra visit, or mums adult grandchildren could help out for one weekend so my sister can still have a break as I do appreciate she needs some time for herself and husband, but my sister said that this wouldn't work so I'm having to fit in an extra visit half way through the month instead or she'll have a breakdown. I'm starting to feel that whatever I do isn't enough and wonder what I need to say to her to explain how tough it is for me too
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,779
    Female
    South coast
    I think most of us feel that whatever we do it isnt enough. Thats the problem with dementia - it will take everything that you have and still want more. :(

    It sounds like both you and your sister have reached the limits on what you can do, so its time to get more professional help. Does your sister have a problem with the idea of getting more professional help? Is she concerned about the finances? Does she fear that your mum might have to move to a care home soon? Does she feel that it "aught" to be family that is doing the caring? Is your mum saying that she only wants family to do things for her and your sister is trying to comply?

    I think maybe you need to sit down with her and find out why she wants you (as opposed to anyone else) to do more.
     
  10. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi Canary,
    Thanks for your comments. I think you're spot on in suggesting that my sister feels it "aught" to be family doing the caring , but neither of us have more to give. I spend 4 days a month at mums , as well as doing all the paperwork, organising repairs etc and feel I don't want to do more. I would be happy for mum to buy in more help and see how it goes, but my sister just says that mum won't accept it. Mum is quite happy for family to run ourself ragged for her, and doesn't say a lot about the carers other than "I don't need them, if you can't be here I can do it myself!" Care home is not too far off I think, then my sister says mum won't settle there if she won't let carers help at home so I think she is worried about this too. I'm going to have to have that conversation that we need to give ourselves some more support from carers, see how it goes at least , and if need be it will come to some sort of crisis, resulting in a care home because the alternative could be years ( mum is 80 and has no other health problems apart from the Alzheimer's ) of all this drudge. I want her back as my mum, not the person I have to clean up after. Yes, I agree I need to find out why she wants me, as opposed to anyone else to do more. I just need to work up the courage to do this, without her getting aggressive, and our relationship breaking down.
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,779
    Female
    South coast
    Yes @anxious annie , I can see how the situation is playing out. Its a very difficult time and I suspect that your sister is being run ragged by your mums increasing demands. My mum wouldnt accept carers either - it is a sad feature of this disease that the person with dementia will frequently totally refuse the very things that will allow them to stay at home longer.

    If it is of any comfort, although my mum absolutely refused carers in the house she did settle very well in her care home and was happy there - in fact I would say that she thrived. I was stunned by this because she had fought tooth and nail to stay in her home and tried to make me promise never to "put her in a home". I was very glad that I hadnt done this because it is a promise that would have been impossible to keep and the guilt would have been awful. I wonder if your sister has made this promise?

    Yes, its going to be a difficult conversation, but I think that if you dont have it the resentment on both sides will just continue to grow.
    xx
     
  12. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi Canary
    Thank you, your post has made me more optimistic to think that when the time comes for a care home, that even though mum refuses to let the carers do very much at home, this doesn't necessarily mean that she won't settle at a care home ( tho I do realise that this could take several weeks for her to feel settled, but fingers crossed it could be achieved). Neither I nor my sister have promised she won't have to go into care eventually as mum doesn't mention it, but I feel we would have to tell a "love lie", about the house needing heating or something else sorted so she would have a "little holiday" whilst this was happening. Not too much of a lie really as there is plenty of work to be done on her house before we could sell it to fund care. I will have the conversation about having more professional help in the meantime, thank you
     
  13. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,873
    Female
    I can see it is hard on your sister as the main carer, but if she feels she can no longer cope (understandable) then she will have to accept that carers are the answer. Your mother may want the family to do everything, but it isn't a reasonable request. As your sister refused to pay for a single hour of carer's time to take a shopping delivery, I cannot imagine she will be happy for your mother to pay a care home. But she needs to be realistic - professional care will have to happen one way or another.
     
  14. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi Sirena
    Thanks for your help. Yes, I agree that my sister feels she can no longer cope, and I quite understand why. She resents the care company getting paid, when they seem to do so little, and usually leave early because mum is being uncommunicative , so doesn't see why they should be paid for an hour to be there for shop delivery, and would probably do very little else. Mum doesn't say she wants only the family to help, but she readily accepts us supporting her but can be "hostile" to the carers, tho never verbally or physically aggressive. I think my sister will accept paying for residential care ( mum would be self funding), as she feels mum would be cared for there and my sisters burden would lessen). I think a care home is a little way in the future, but in the meantime if my sister wants help, as you say, she is going to have to be realistic and accept we need some more professional help. I have a review booked in with the care company for my next visit to mums, so will be having the conversation with my sister about exactly what and when the support should be to give her a break from caring. Will be interesting to see what she says!
     
  15. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,873
    Female
    You said your mother said "if you can't be here I'll do it myself" which translates as her only wanting help from family, not carers. It would be helpful to find out why the carers are not doing more. Does your mother prevent them, or are they just left to it, and not tasked with specific things to do? Maybe they could be put to more use in a different way, at different times. To take the load off your sister they need to do the things the family usually does - do the shopping, take her to appointments, prepare a meal and sit with her while she eats. At the moment it sounds like they are not achieving much useful. I lived a distance away so did not do any caring for my mother, the carers did everything - took her to the optician/hairdresser/doctor/the park, did the laundry/shopping/housework, and prepared meals and ensured she ate them.
     
  16. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi Sirena
    Yes, you're right about mums comment ... I hadn't thought of it like that. The carers have been over the last few months asked to do things such as check the bathroom, empty bins, throw out of date food out of the fridge, as well as heat up microwave meal. I take mum to all appointments for dr, hospital, dentist etc, coordinating with my visits, so my sister doesn't have that to do. I have made several phone calls to care company as my sister has found they haven't always thrown out of date food away, and of course they say they will give this message to the team, but it still doesn't seem to happen. I am hoping that when I have the carer review/update next month, and it is written down in the care plan, that they will take more notice and do what we ask. When I spoke on the phone tho the team leader was already saying "if your mum says don't go in the fridge, we won't be able to do that". We have Poa for health and finance, so am not sure if that would still be the case? I'm sure they will say as mum has capacity they have to do what she says ( at the risk of her eating food that has gone off, or not having a warm microwave meal, as mum can't work it. I'm not sure, does anyone know what it would be .... a safeguarding issue?
     
  17. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,873
    Female
    It's up to each family how they fit carers into the picture, but it doesn't sound like value for money at the moment. If you're self-funding you can choose exact days and timings. I found it better to have a carer there for a chunk of time, and to always have the same two or three carers, so they are familiar faces and they get to know the best way to deal with the client. For example - the issue of saying they cannot look in the fridge if she says no - use some initiative, distract her and do it anyway. If they just end up emptying the bins there is not much point them turning up. Maybe you could work out a regime which would be more helpful.
     
  18. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi Sirena
    I agree, it's not value for money and I think that's what annoys my sister. We've chosen the days and times for carers when mum isn't at the day centre and to fit with meal times, but sounds like a good idea for having them there for a chunk of time. She does have the same 2 carers most of the time ( sometimes a different one because of shift patterns as they work 7 days on a rota, and I accept that will happen) When I have the review I will ask about how much they know about dementia and strategies to employ. The 2 carers, tho pleasant, are youngish girls, with little life experience and I do feel mum would relate better to older carers, as she does at the day centre.
    Thanks for your suggestions, it's just a real minefield, but I hope to make progress and put things into action that have been suggested by you and others on the post .
     
  19. charlie10

    charlie10 Registered User

    Dec 20, 2018
    375
    @anxious annie ....my FiL resents having a carer as he doesn't want to pay for them (self-funding)....he won't let them run the vac round or tidy etc but I suspect they put his washing machine on when they can, and they do a little personal care. We too, thought it's a lot of money for them to (be allowed to) do very little, but on the other hand, he lives alone and this is a way of getting someone to lay eyes on him every day......if he really starts struggling at least someone would notice quickly. You're right about it being a minefield.....having other family to share the load doesn't necessarily help unless you're all on the same page :rolleyes:
     
  20. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    180
    Hi Charlie
    I think you're like me and caring from a distance which brings its own problems. Mum doesn't have a clue about the costs as she can't manage her own finances and is still reluctant to let carers help. We insist she still has them as she lives alone as your FIL, and we know someone has seen her each day and can alert us to any problems. Make sure you don't let FIL get rid of them! Best wishes in dealing with all this
     

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