1. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    My mums partner has been diagnoised for a couple of years now, and was prescribed tablet, which he started to take.
    He now no longer takes his medication as he refuses to admitt there is a problem.
    He has done loads of things that could endanger himself as well as my mum ( who happens to be 72 herself).
    She is unable to care for him any longer, and although i try and advise her of what she should do she ends up in tears,and feels guilty at the thought of putting him in to a home.
    I have so many concerns over her welfare, i really wouldnt know where to start.
    Like many other postings,it cant be disscussed in front of him, because as far as he is concerned theres nothing wrong with, but to be honest who would really put tea over their cereal.
    Im at a loss as how to help my mother without her feeling so guilty.
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as would an idea on where we go form here.

  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Di :)

    It is a real problem and one I face too. Not to look for residential care for my husband but just to have carers in the home so I can go out without worrying.

    But as long as those we care for still fight to combat the condition as my husband is still doing, or remain in denial as your mother`s partner is doing, we cannot force them to accept outside care against their will.

    Putting tea on cereal is an error, and upsetting, but causes no risk. It is not a justification to think of residential care. It is just the action of a confused mind.

    Perhaps you are seeing this through your own eyes and not your mother`s.

    Sorry to be so blunt, but has your mother asked for help to persuade her partner to go into residential care. If not perhaps the best way you could help wpould be to sit with him occasionally to give your mother a break.
  3. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    Hello Grannie G,
    Thanks for replying,although i said about the tea on cereal incident, and i can accept that could be a moment of concentration lapse, there are so many other things that have happened and i didnt want to post in case of worring other carers or suffers, of what may happen to them.
    My mother is constantly in tears over fears of what she might wake up.She is unable to leave him in one room while she goes to another.
    He is also getting aggresive,and verbally nasty, and will walk out of the house without saying a thing leaving the front door wide open.

    My mum has asked me what she should do,the only advise i could give her was to contact social services to see if they could help.Not only does she care for him, she also tries to sort out his finances,because he no longer has contact with the rest of his family,and they no longer want contact with him, because of his aggressive ways.

    I have brought both of them to my house to try and give her a break, and all i got was a load of abuse from him,he threathened my youngest son,who had done nothing wrong, except tell a joke which was followed by him(her partner) walking out.(although we did follow him at a distance).

    I really dont know where to turn to next.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    If your mother has asked you for help, your best bet is to see their GP. Their situation might not be discussed with you, but the GP will listen and suggest the next step forwards.

    Make sure you write things down with times and dates if possible so the GP can see the frequency of these behaviours.

    Please let us know how you get on.:)
  5. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    Thanks for that,this whole thing is such an awkward long drawn out situation, because my mum lives in Essex, and her partners gp is in west drayton,so to get him to even think about going there is a nightmare, but i guess we wil have to pursude him some way or another...i will give his gp a call to see if will suggest anything over the phone,and atleast make him aware of how the situation has deteriated.

    And i can now hopefully reassure my mum that there is help out there and people who will listern and other help.

    Will keep in touch if thats ok and let you know the outcome.

    Thanks again
  6. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    Denial is just as much a part of this disease as any other of the symptoms you describe. Many many people on this site have experience of living in this kind of situation.

    The GP has a duty of care to your mum's partner and you must insist that he visits or you can arrange a surgery appointment Many people in your position who would have great difficulty in getting the patient to go to an appointment have phoned the surgery and explained the situation. In such cases the surgery is very often willing to go along with the pretence that it is an 'important but routine check up' and have been able to persuade the patient to attend. Let the doctor have a list of his behaviour which is worrying you and your mum.

    Social Services also should give some help. However that is often only after you have persistently phoned and shouted loud and long!! Your mum needs to be given a 'carer's assessment' by SS. This is her right. Once SS do get involved your mum may be surprised at the amount of help she can 'tap' into which is on offer out there.

    The problem of denial is a hard one and to overcome this you may have to resort to 'half truths' to get the sufferer to accept any kind of help. Good luck and keep posting.

  7. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    Thanks Tina,
    Ive just spoken to my mum and after yet anothr sleepless night, she is in tears, i have passed on the information from this site, and i think she now sees a light at the end of a tunnel.I feel like im pushing her into seeking help, but at the end of the day shes my mum, and i feel with everything else that has gone on in her life, what could be her last years should be as worry free as possible, and with the help that maybe offered she should get just that.

    Thank you and i will keep posting..
  8. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    Hello Diane

    It feels really good that you are able to openly talk to your mum about Talking Point and that she becomes aware that there are loads of people in a similiar position to herself.

    It made me wonder whether your mum would benefit from attending a carer's support group - and perhaps you could sit for your dad whilst she does this. To get information you could ring your local Alzheimers Society Branch and ask to speak to someone about it. Maybe your mum hasn't faced up to the fact that she is a carer and it can be a very difficult and painful task.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing how things get on.

    Love Helen
  9. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    Hello Helen,
    so far today when i havent been on here ive been on the phone to so many different people, it just seems to get harder with every call, not only to repeat the problem, but to find out that because he pays council tax in one area and my mum lives in another my mums social services dont want to know.
    Another social worker has advised us to get legal advise first,and mentioned lasting power of atturny. so at the moment im trying to go down that route.

    I just wish this was just a straight forward case,then it might be a bit easier to find what road to go down.

    It wouldnt be any good me trying to sit with him, because he gets up and goes wandering, and when we have followed him befor he gets aggitated and agressive.

    So for the time being im back on the phone to find out as much as poss., and no doubt i will be back on here letting all know how its going..

  10. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    coast of texas

    You are such a wonderful daughter to be helping your mother out the way you are!

    I don't have experience like yours, but may I suggest a few ideas.

    First, does your mother have the same GP. If so maybe make the excuse of her going to the GP and "since it's so far" he could also see him at the same time.

    I am assuming that he doesn't have the same GP. If he truly cares for your mother she could try a "good day" to talk to him to consent. If he has others whom he knows to accuse him of Alzheimers or dementia straight out and he is straight forward that he does not, use this as an excuse to prove others wrong. If he is the type to be competetive he may be willing to do a mmse to prove evryone wrong. If he passes then your mother will have an uphill battle if he doesn't then she will know a little about where she stands. But by all means make sure it has been documented and given to his GP as to his behaviour.

    Sometimes an AD patient becomes anxious over the change they see in themself (I know not a good grammatical choice). They take it out on the one they love the most, because they are closest. There is no excuse..except for the disease itself. I'm not condoning abuse of any sort. I am just trying to relay from their point. The best way to handle a situation is to put yourself in their shoes. Understand that their memories are leaving them and as a normal person we forget time from the longest of time ago and as an AD patient most of them forget memories from their short term. (Now how nerve racking is it when you lose your keys?) I am not chastising.

    I have a dr. for mom who is "older than time itself", by his own standards. He teaches humanities at a college to budding physicians. The above paragraph is how he explains most patients of AD. He says that is because they are taught to be dependant and giving up dependance is hard. It takes away pride. Mom was not taught to be dependant on herself when she was young so when she became afflicted with AD she became like she was as a child..very submissive, not wanting to harm, hurt, get in the way or anything. She would sit very still and quiet for hours. I HAD to litterally gently force her to talk and help out as she would be scared of doing things.

    Perhaps letting him think he is in control by gently manipulating the situation to his ideas is what I am saying. In the meantime support your mother, if he is capable of taking care of himself for an hour or two maybe you could take her out for quality time. I'm sure just to pass the time with her daughter would help her and if she wants to talk about him let her, if not I'm sure there are a milllion other things to talk about that will mentally get her out of her "problem" right now.

    I would also recommend that when it comes to him choose the battles that you will fight carefully. There will be a ton of battles not worth the time and frustration for your grandmother, her partner or you. Let him do as he pleases (within means..no hitting or hurting others) Write down the situation in a diary. After time your mother may start to see a pattern. (Tired, hungry,just found out he messed up on something). The diary will be a good back up for her and you, it will give you a way of seeing his whole like in the big picture.

    I can say I know people in here have better ideas and have had the strain of an abusive AD patient. You may want to read thru some of the threaads and find those then look specifically to other posts by them...they may lead to valuable knowledge.

    As for your mother feeling guilty, that is only her human nature, but you can ease her mind in knowing that if that is what it comes to she is still being compassionate. There are lots of other people who have put their loved ones in homes. Some because they too care and love their partner but it is just too much for someone at that age. (I didn't mean it the wrong way...caring for an AD patient at home is hard..and the later stages are really hard and their comes a time when you must think of yourself as so many times when you don't think of yourself the carer dies first and then who takes care of the patient?) I too seriously recommend an AD support group for her, but perhaps, if she will not go, and has access to a computer she could join you here on TP. I think if she saw what others are going thru it may help her too.

    I really need to learn how not to be so verbose, I apologize for the long post...I also apologize if I said anything in such a way that I stepped on toes...not trying to. I do hope you find some answers to ease the mind of your mother and make it easier.

  11. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    #11 dirobbo, May 20, 2008
    Last edited: May 20, 2008
    Hello everyone,:)
    Just a short update,ive advised my mum to change her partners dr. to hers so they havent got to travel so far,and with a bit of luck if her partner does need to see the dr, she maybe able to do as suggested by a few, to use the half truth way.I re-worded what i had said about getting social services involved, this seems to have made her a bit more at ease with the fact that there is help out there and she doesnt have to resort to a "home" at the moment.

    So hopefully the ball has now started rolling, for what i can imagaine is going to be a long drawn out affair with the "authorites".

    As promised i will keep you all informed of any out come, in the hope that I may be able to return the help to this site that i received.

    Once again
    Thank you all.

    p.s. also got her a diary so she can make notes....
  12. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    Hello everyone, just a short update, things are moving slowly as my mums partner, wont change his drs."as there is nothing wrong with him and im never ill", to quote him word for word.
    Ive suggested she leaves it for a few days and hopefully if he has a"good"day she can bring the subject up again.

    Can any one tell me if there is a way round this or does she need his consent to change drs.

    I called both surgeries and got two different answers, im not sure if the new surgery just dont want him on there books...
  13. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm not sure if your mother can change his GP without his consent - I suspect not. However, I would be very surprised if his existing GP would be willing to keep him on his books if he isn't actually living there. I understand about the fact that he's paying council tax in that area, but there must be bunches of people in that position (i.e. people with second homes) and I assume that they need to be registered within the area where they actually live.
  14. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    A thought

    On other threads I have occasionally read of sufferers in denial of their condition who were very money-aware (trying to pick my words sensitively here) 'lured' by the prospect of receiving Attendance Allowance. Do you think that some sort of approach along these lines would tempt him? Just a shot in the dark ...
  15. dirobbo

    dirobbo Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    Hello Lynne,
    Im chuckling to meyself, at your choice of words , but also at how apt they are.The thought that \(in his eyes)he might be getting something for nothing , i think will be very appealing and worth a shot.
    I will explain this to my mum and with any luck together we can talk to him about it.... heres hoping, will keep you updated.

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