How can I get my brothers to see it's really time for Mum to go into care.

[Water Gypsey]

For over 5 years we have looked after Mum. Over that time her dementia has got worst and the carers now come in 4 times a day, once to get her up washed,dressed, breakfast and medication, again at lunch to give her lunch and change her incontinence pad, again at tea time and then before bed. We are struggling because she keeps having accidents and often finding poo every where, all over the bedroom, bathroom floor in the kitchen.

Although she seems happy in her home, but she is often confused thinking there's children up stairs.

Also I am bothered about Mums safety when the carers go from 8pm at night until 8am in the morning, what happens if there's a fire, would she get out she's always loosing her keys and we constantly getting replacements but next day she has lost them again. My brothers seem unconcerned about Mums safety and still thinks she's fine at home, Is she?

Also if we were to find a suitable place for Mum how can we make the move from her home of 62 years, easier for her. Any advice would be helpful!

 

[Harli]

Hi

It sounds like you have valid concerns about your Mum being alone overnight. We had a similar issue with Dad. For a while it was possible to fund an overnight carer but in the end we had to move him to a care home. I don’t know of any way of making the move easier, it depends on the person I think. It wasn’t easy with Dad and almost 4 months on it still isn’t. For your Mum’s safety maybe think about an overnight carer until you can find a nice care home. The local authority won’t fund overnight care but short term it’s not too expensive.

Take care

 

[Rosettastone57]

For over 5 years we have looked after Mum. Over that time her dementia has got worst and the carers now come in 4 times a day, once to get her up washed,dressed, breakfast and medication, again at lunch to give her lunch and change her incontinence pad, again at tea time and then before bed. We are struggling because she keeps having accidents and often finding poo every where, all over the bedroom, bathroom floor in the kitchen.

Although she seems happy in her home, but she is often confused thinking there's children up stairs.

Also I am bothered about Mums safety when the carers go from 8pm at night until 8am in the morning, what happens if there's a fire, would she get out she's always loosing her keys and we constantly getting replacements but next day she has lost them again. My brothers seem unconcerned about Mums safety and still thinks she's fine at home, Is she?

Also if we were to find a suitable place for Mum how can we make the move from her home of 62 years, easier for her. Any advice would be helpful!

This sounds like the situation we had with my mother in law. She was self funding and had carers 3 times a day. It came to the point where she needed 24/7 supervision when she couldn't remember where her bathroom was in her own home. We were concerned about what was happening when the carers weren't there. Why are your brothers not concerned? Do they see her less? From what you're saying this might be your tipping point for more supervision which means alternative accommodation

 

[Sirena]

From all you have said, she isn't fine at home. I don't know why your brothers don't accept this. Is it a money issue - would her home need to be sold to fund the care home? Or are they just in denial - if she stays at home they can believe it's all 'okay' and not face up to how bad things are.

Whatever the reason, it sounds as if your mother needs 24 hour supervision. In terms of making a move easier for her, don't discuss it with her, she won't understand and it will just upset her. Make the arrangements, and take her there with a positive attitude so she doesn't pick up on your upset. She may actually be happier there because she will have constant company and help. My mother had lived in her flat for over 40 years yet within a few weeks at the care home told me she loved it there.

 

[Jintyf]

Hello

I really feel for you - this is so not easy.

I've just been in a similar situation with my Mum. I've looked after her for 5 years since Dad died and she has lived alone with carers 3 times a day and me visiting every second day.
The situation got so much worse this last year with falls, minor accidents and the sort of issues you describe re her toileting.

She is now in hospital under a section as things reached crisis at New Year.
And now that we are looking into nursing homes is my sister and her family (who live abroad) are showing an interest as the house needs to be sold and they are asking me to look at alternatives to her going into care. Well,there aren't any. Mums money is hers to be used to look after her however 'unfair' that might seem. Can't buck the system.

But to answer your question, its tough but stand your ground. It sounds like yoru brothers haven't been hands-on in the caring? Explain that her condition has gone beyond the time she is safe alone and that it is in her interest now to move her to a place of safety.
Do you have LPOA over welfare? If so that makes it so much easier.
Have you involved Social Services? Try to get a new assessment by the CPN. The LA have a duty of care to your Mum - you are not alone.
And that way it is not wholly your own decision - helps with the guilt aspect.

Sending a big hug - you doing the right thing for your Mum.

 

[Grannie G]

Also I am bothered about Mums safety when the carers go from 8pm at night until 8am in the morning, what happens if there's a fire, would she get out

Not only would she get out but think how terrified she would be.

It isn`t that a fire may be so impossible. My mother decided to make some toast, forgot about it, it got stuck in the toaster and it became inflamed. It set her kitchen curtains alight and I leave the rest to your imagination.

If your mother is unable to manage the unexpected and spends 12 hours alone, in her condition, her safety is at risk.

 

[Sirena]

Not only would she get out but think how terrified she would be.

It isn`t that a fire may be so impossible. My mother decided to make some toast, forgot about it, it got stuck in the toaster and it became inflamed. It set her kitchen curtains alight and I leave the rest to your imagination.

If your mother is unable to manage the unexpected and spends 12 hours alone, in her condition, her safety is at risk.

Yes I agree. My mother had carers in for 4 hours a day and she was fine when they were there, but what about the other 20 hours? One evening she set fire to a crumpet under the grill. The smoke alarm started sounding but she had no idea why, or how to stop it. Fortunately she lives in a block of flats, and her neighbour heard the alarm and went to help her. Obviously he was worried about her welfare but also about the entire block burning down. That was the point at which we removed the knobs on the cooker so she couldn't use it at all, and added an extra hour's care in the evening. But there comes a point when you are going from one crisis to the next, and it's only resolved by 24 hour care.

 

[Water Gypsey]

Not only would she get out but think how terrified she would be.

It isn`t that a fire may be so impossible. My mother decided to make some toast, forgot about it, it got stuck in the toaster and it became inflamed. It set her kitchen curtains alight and I leave the rest to your imagination.

If your mother is unable to manage the unexpected and spends 12 hours alone, in her condition, her safety is at risk.

Thank you so much for your advice.

 

[Water Gypsey]

This sounds like the situation we had with my mother in law. She was self funding and had carers 3 times a day. It came to the point where she needed 24/7 supervision when she couldn't remember where her bathroom was in her own home. We were concerned about what was happening when the carers weren't there. Why are your brothers not concerned? Do they see her less? From what you're saying this might be your tipping point for more supervision which means alternative accommodation

Thank you so much for your advice.

 

[Water Gypsey]

Hi

It sounds like you have valid concerns about your Mum being alone overnight. We had a similar issue with Dad. For a while it was possible to fund an overnight carer but in the end we had to move him to a care home. I don’t know of any way of making the move easier, it depends on the person I think. It wasn’t easy with Dad and almost 4 months on it still isn’t. For your Mum’s safety maybe think about an overnight carer until you can find a nice care home. The local authority won’t fund overnight care but short term it’s not too expensive.

Take care

Thank you so much for your advice?