How can I forgive myself

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Bugsbunny4, Nov 25, 2015.

  1. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    My husband went into a care home three weeks ago. He hasn't been settling very well at all and is displaying repetitive undressing and redressing. Every day his room has to be deep cleaned because of toileting problems, he is apparently getting faeces all over his room. I find this very distressing because he wasn't doing this before he went into care. I am not blaming the care home because the quality of care is very good.
    Today he told me that he doesn't need me and I don't need him. He has nothing and I have everything. The way he looked at me was the way someone looks who hates you.
    I became very upset and finished up telling him I was going because he was upsetting me and I couldn't cope with him. I said things I should never have said and I now feel so bad and disappointed with myself. He can't help what he does and says but I can. Today I put on a shameful performance and if I rot in hell for eternity it wouldn't be punishment enough. This man is the man I love, a wonderful husband and father, how could I behave so badly.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,347
    Merseyside
    Don't beat yourself up my lovely. You reacted out of worry, fear, guilt & love.
    Today was a blip & tomorrow will different.
    Sending you love & hugs xx
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,093
    Yorkshire
    Cat27 is so right, Bugsbunny4
    The wonderful husband and father would understand the extreme circumstances you find yourself in and would have forgiven you, no question - so no talk of 'hell' please - you reacted, you're human, you are under stress and just had to give at that moment - in the whole scheme of your life together and your caring, that moment was just that, a moment in many years - over and done now - tomorrow is another day
    Be gentle with yourself; you are not to blame for all of this.
     
  4. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    How could you behave like you did? Because you're human, Sweetie. We all have our breaking points, and sometimes it's like a burst dam that can't be held back. I'm not going to say things like "forget about it" but, and this is a BIG but , the chances are that your hubby will have forgotten about it, long before you even reached home.

    You've done something that is so difficult, with your hubby going into a Care Home. I felt exactly the same when John went into one. So did most other people on TP. He originally went in for 4 weeks respite as I was having a knee operation.

    Imagine my surprise when the Manager came round to see me, a week later, to tell me that alas, they had to report his behaviour to Social Services, because he had been caught in a "compromising situation" with one of the female residents. And she was 89! I sobbed and died of shame, because he was never the sort to do anything like that at all.

    This is so hard for you, and you're going to beat yourself up - for a while. But, hopefully, his behaviour will even out soon, and your pain may start to ebb away, a little bit at a time. God Bless You, sweetie. xxxxxxxxxx
     
  5. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Thank you so much x
     
  6. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    What a lovely reply. Thank you x
     
  7. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Thank you very much x
     
  8. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    I can only hope you are right about his behaviour evening out as time goes on. Thank you x
     
  9. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    I hope you are right. Thank you x
     
  10. minstrel6

    minstrel6 Registered User

    Nov 25, 2015
    3
    isle of wight
    you can forgive yourself.Loving someone doesnt change.You are human, not superhuman.

    :):).
     
  11. doobedoo

    doobedoo Registered User

    Dec 4, 2014
    16
    Lincolnshire
    I've just read your post and really feel for you, and agree with all the comments made by others. My husband is also now in full-time care at the young age of 63 with dementia because I struggled to cope. I think we can all say things in the heat of the moment, I have said things I have deeply regretted after but I think this is because we have lost that wonderful person we shared our lives with to this incredibly cruel disease. Today was a bad day for my hubby, very confused and lost, but hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. All I can say is live each day and make sure you take care of yourself and give yourself time.
     
  12. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,093
    Yorkshire
    #12 Shedrech, Nov 25, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
    Hi Minstrel6
    a warm welcome to TP
    lots of sympathy and friendly members here - glad you've joined us
    best wishes
     
  13. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    Hi bugsbunny

    Your post made me cry because I feel so guilty when I get cross with my husband. I know he can't help what he says and does but sometimes the hurt, frustration and resentment to how Alzheimer's had changed every aspect of our lives and relationship become too much to bear.

    I'm saying I think all of us on here understand and can say to one another that we shouldn't beat ourselves up as we are only human. It's harder to say it to oneself.

    As others have said, it will pass in his mind and you have to let it go as a blip. The CH stage must be so stressful. Be kind to yourself. I hope today goes better. Give us an update.
    Thoughts and hugs are with you x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  14. Bru

    Bru Registered User

    Dec 19, 2013
    5
    Epsom surrey
    You are only human

    I care for my 75 year old husband on my own at home. He has spastic quadraparesis and mixed dementia. I totally lost the plot and reacted when he hit me the other week and thought I was the worst wife ever. I got support from friends and family who allowed me to talk it through and forgive myself. You should do the same. We have so much to cope with that sometimes it overwhelms us. This doesn't mean you or I are bad people just exhausted and helpless in the face of this awful disease. I hope you can regroup and forgive yourself and wish you strength and peace of mind.
     
  15. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Nobody, and I mean not a single soul, who doesn't care for their loved one, 24/7, who has Alzheimer's, has a clue of knowing what we go through/have gone through, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.

    When I went on a Care Home Crawl, a couple of years ago, sussing out suitable places for my husband, one "friend", said to me "I could never put my husband in a Care Home". To which I replied "well, let's hope you never ******* have to make that decision"! :mad::mad::mad:

    Recently, I saw her, and she told me that her sister's husband was now going on a Care Home Crawl, like I did, and, with tears in her eyes said "he can't cope any more, and she's only been like this for a couple of months. How on earth did you cope for so long?"

    To which I replied "with great difficulty". Carers, one and all, you're doing a fantastic job. :) xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     

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