My husband has ftd and vascular dementia. I look after my five year old grandson regularly after school, before he went to school I cared for him much more so he has grown up having Grandad around. They used to enjoy doing some things together but my husband no longer seems to be able to tolerate our grandson and is either unable or unwilling to do things with him. If asked to do something he will either say he can't or doesn't know how to. Sometimes he will just sleep or appear to ignoreignore, if our grandson becomes louder the volume on the TV is turned up. He constantly complains about his behaviour and tells him he's naughty which is very unhelpful. Sometimes out grandson asks if he can watch a children's TV programme but my husband is unwilling to allow this. All of this creates a very difficult atmosphere and I worry is affecting the relationship I have with our grandson. I feel as though I'm dealing with two children and am constantly trying to keep the peace. I've tried to explain to our grandson that grandad isn't very well but I don't think he can really understand. Unfortunately he has experienced grandad becoming annoyed with me which I feel isn't good for him, I've had to try to explain that it isn't his fault and grandad isn't cross with him and it's because he's not well. I'm just not sure that I have the words or have explained it in the right way. I know this is only going to become more difficult as my husband deteriorated but I can only hope that as our grandson gets older he will be able to understand better. Our grandson is a very lovely little boy and tends to flit from one activity to another which I can cope with on my own but my husband finds this difficult. I've tried to think of ways to cope with this but find it very stressful. I have been very unwell with depression and only just beginning to manage having our grandson again. I don't want to feel I can't do it again because I really enjoy being with him and feel it's good for me. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions please?
How can I explain to a five year old?
- Thread starter yorkie46
- Start date
I used to be a childminder and I found that dad went from loving the company of children, and effectively being another grandad (or even the only grandad in some cases) to the under fives I cared for he found it more and more difficult to cope with children as his disease progressed. It was, as you say, like having an extra child to care for. Eventually I had to take the decision to quit childminding under fives as the two did not mix.
Is there anyway you could give your grandson and your husband their own space? I've found that children of five need a lot of attention but become slightly more self sufficient when they get a little older - especially if they have their own screen (iPad or similar) to entertain themselves with while you prepare dinner etc.
With dad I used to keep the activities he shared with the children simple - animal dominoes, connect 5 or similar games or a draw a monster/ spaceship (or whatever appeals) competition.
I think that children are quite accepting of change, much more than people with dementia, and may main worry would be if grandad starts to get aggressive rather than just grumpy.
I care for a little boy (well now a young man of 10!) who has grown up with a grandma who has dementia. Although she doesn't look after him anymore (she's 93!) she did used to spend short amounts of time alone with him earlier on in the disease. She used to tell him he was a naughty boy too (he was just a normal lively 5yr old) - it used to upset his mum more than it did him. He just thought granny was grumpy!
Have you spoken to your grandson's parents to find out if it does upset him. It could help to put your mind at rest or maybe they could send something to help keep him more easily occupied when grandad doesn't want to know!!
Is there anyway you could give your grandson and your husband their own space? I've found that children of five need a lot of attention but become slightly more self sufficient when they get a little older - especially if they have their own screen (iPad or similar) to entertain themselves with while you prepare dinner etc.
With dad I used to keep the activities he shared with the children simple - animal dominoes, connect 5 or similar games or a draw a monster/ spaceship (or whatever appeals) competition.
I think that children are quite accepting of change, much more than people with dementia, and may main worry would be if grandad starts to get aggressive rather than just grumpy.
I care for a little boy (well now a young man of 10!) who has grown up with a grandma who has dementia. Although she doesn't look after him anymore (she's 93!) she did used to spend short amounts of time alone with him earlier on in the disease. She used to tell him he was a naughty boy too (he was just a normal lively 5yr old) - it used to upset his mum more than it did him. He just thought granny was grumpy!
Have you spoken to your grandson's parents to find out if it does upset him. It could help to put your mind at rest or maybe they could send something to help keep him more easily occupied when grandad doesn't want to know!!
Lots of good advice from @Bunpoots.
There are also picture books available which might help your grandson to understand a little. There's a link to some of them here -
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/recommended-books-about-dementia-children-and-teenagers
I agree that a chat with his parents would be helpful. I also think it might be helpful for them to have a chat with the someone at his school to make them aware he has this in his life. It will help them understand better and support him if necessary.
There are also picture books available which might help your grandson to understand a little. There's a link to some of them here -
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/recommended-books-about-dementia-children-and-teenagers
I agree that a chat with his parents would be helpful. I also think it might be helpful for them to have a chat with the someone at his school to make them aware he has this in his life. It will help them understand better and support him if necessary.
Thank you Bunpoots and Izzy
My grandson sometimes will play games on his tablet which he will also sometimes try to show grandad. Sadly grandad has no interest in modern technology, he's 83, and will either show his disinterest or say he can't see it.
My husband has no interest in playing games of any sort which is a pity because I would be happy to play games with him, my grandson on the other hand lives board games! I usually try to get my grandson settled with some activity while I cook our meal but he isn't always compliant which is understandable when he's had a full day at school. Sometimes he will watch a DVD on his portable player but isn't too keen on using headphones. I sometimes manage to get him to help me do small jobs which he enjoys.
Regarding his understanding of granddad illness I have talked with my daughter about it and she doesn't feel he is badly affected by it but I Will look at the link regarding the books. I have a contact at his school who I can speak to if necessary but so far I don't think it is affecting him at school, he enjoys being there and always goes in and comes home with a smile. There has been no mention of any problems.
I think I need to think of some new ideas to keep my grandson busy, maybe we'll start making Christmas cards soon!
My grandson sometimes will play games on his tablet which he will also sometimes try to show grandad. Sadly grandad has no interest in modern technology, he's 83, and will either show his disinterest or say he can't see it.
My husband has no interest in playing games of any sort which is a pity because I would be happy to play games with him, my grandson on the other hand lives board games! I usually try to get my grandson settled with some activity while I cook our meal but he isn't always compliant which is understandable when he's had a full day at school. Sometimes he will watch a DVD on his portable player but isn't too keen on using headphones. I sometimes manage to get him to help me do small jobs which he enjoys.
Regarding his understanding of granddad illness I have talked with my daughter about it and she doesn't feel he is badly affected by it but I Will look at the link regarding the books. I have a contact at his school who I can speak to if necessary but so far I don't think it is affecting him at school, he enjoys being there and always goes in and comes home with a smile. There has been no mention of any problems.
I think I need to think of some new ideas to keep my grandson busy, maybe we'll start making Christmas cards soon!
Can the layout of your house support an area away from grandad and set up a special place for your grandson...kitchen...dining room? A special small table and chair(s) little shelf and or cupboard with his activity things in so your grandson wants to and gets used to doing activities in that area. Does grandad wander around or mainly sit in the lounge and watch tv when grandson is there? He can still interact with grandad but if grandad isn't receptive he has his own bit of the social part of the house to go and play...watch a dvd...play with you...watch you cook...help with preparation...think of more small jobs he can help you with..obviously weather and light dependent now but dressing warm and leaf clearing in the garden etc. Try and plan a different range of simple activities for the week and have options to offer if grandson is tired or disinterested after school. If your OH declines then you may have to think again but as you say it helps you to have your grandson so that is a positive for you at the moment.
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Unfortunately we live in a bungalow which has a lounge diner which isn't exactly spacious. I usually set my grandson up on the dining table but he has to clear away before we eat. When he was younger I had a small table for him but he's a tall boy for his age so it became unusable. He has his small room with his toys in and the folding bed for when he has sleepovers. He sometimes retreats in there if he feels he can do no right for grandad! I usually leave him for a while then go and talk to him and encourage him to find something else to do. I love having him but luckily it isn't every day, I share with his other granny and daddy has one day off work. He loves being outside in the summer but likes somebody with him and he does like using his wheelbarrow to help clear up when there are weeds or leaves to deal with. Unfortunately grandad isn't very good on his legs so doesn't do much of that any more, guess who does! Grandads default position is in his chair sometimes with his feet up! Grandson is always full of beans after school! Friday is the most difficult because he comes out of school at 3, needs a cooked meal at 4 because he has a swimming lesson at 5.30! I usually do our cooked meal at lunchtime so I only have to do something quick for him. Then we need to leave about 5 to meet mummy at swimming pool. I leave grandad with a sandwich. Mummy is a teacher so has a long day most days but always gets to the pool for his lesson.it's all a bit hectic but I wouldn't be without him for the world and he loves coming here and having me take him to and from school. I do the off sleepovers to give mum and dad a break at weekend. I think it's a case of muddling through and going with the flow!
