1. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    Visiting my OH has always been stressful since he has been in a Care/Nursing Home but during the last week it just reminded me of the times I used to have when he was at Home just last year.

    I have been visiting every other day for 3 hours timing it to leave when he goes to have his tea, and it has always proved difficult to leave, with recriminations most of the time, but now he is so poorly some days both physically and mentally, it is making my health suffer.

    It is with regret that I am going to cut my visits so I have a break for 2 days and I am only going to stay for 2 hours. I look at him and think - How can I even consider doing this when we have been married for 48 years, but I think if I do not ease up on the stress I am feeling my health is really going to suffer. :( I can see no Silver Lining)
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,666
    Kent
    It`s why you decided on residential care SL, so you can choose when you visit and recoup your own health and strength.

    I hope the time will come, as it did for me, when your husband becomes calmer and more settled. Till then, let the staff at the home take the strain and visit when it suits you.

    It`s early days yet and you have time for things to improve.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,331
    Female
    South coast
    It is up to you when you visit now - dont feel guilty about cutting it down. He will be well looked after.
    BTW, I think 2 hours is plenty for someone who is poorly. You may find you need to cut it down further. I always know when its time to call a halt with mum as she starts to get confused and crotchety because my visit has tired her.
     
  4. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    He certainly is looked after well, they have their work cut out, but I guess its not all bad all day everyday they do have their lighter moments with him, :(:(although he is pleased to see me when I arrive I have a lot of emotional black mail to contend with and then when its time for me to go it just adds to the stress. I almost wish for the time when he fails to care so much, I guess then its "be careful what you wish for".
     
  5. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    I know what you are saying is right, he is on my mind all the time and I just want to laugh again.

    SL:(
     
  6. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Sorry you are having such a difficult time. When I read your post I thought if you continue on as you are with three hourly visits every other day you are quite likely to get to the point where you are so ill you cannot visit at all for a time. IMHO cutting down a bit is actually better for your hubby, the alternative being no visits because you are not well enough to go in.

    Sending a hug because I think you need one.

    Lavender
     
  7. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    500
    Scotland
    Hi Silver Lining

    I am still caring for OH at home so not in the same position as you yet. I can recognise that it must be so stressful to keep visiting as you are doing. Actually I am amazed that you have been doing three-hour visits and now two hours. I know that when OH has been in hospital, visiting can be a real strain and quite exhausting.

    I think if it was me I would be inclined to visit, say, twice a week and go in a bit later making it a shorter visit, still leaving at teatime if that's a good time to leave. As you know that OH is being well looked after, could you explain to staff how stressed out you feel and that you need to back-pedal for a bit. It certainly won't be the first time they have seen this.

    One thing I do understand, as you have said, " I just want to laugh again."
    Laughter is in short supply here too - and it's not a good feeling.

    Lilac xx
     
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,838
    Suffolk
    I don't think I have ever stayed 3 hours, maybe once. I really can't cope with this man who now can't walk, whose speech has nearly gone, who totally refuses for me to do anything for him (tried to do his nails several times). One day when all I understood was go away, that's just what I did. I am paying an eye-watering amount of money for someone else to take the flack!
    I still go every 2-3 days, depending on what else I've got to do, and how I feel, had a lot of stress (?) symptoms, which makes things difficult.
     
  9. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    Thank you - SL.
     
  10. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    - The staff there have to step in sometimes in order for me to leave so they do know how stressed I am sometimes.
    It's so difficult for all of us isn't it? - SL
     
  11. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Sweetie, I don't feel the slightest bit guilty in telling you that I never visited John for 3 hours, or even 2 hours. I used to manage an hour an a half when he first went in, as at that stage, he was still communicating, even though it was nonsense.

    Eventually, he was either asleep, or non-communicative, or angry and I cut my visits further, as it wasn't doing him any good, and only upsetting me.

    I was fortunate in that the Home was near me, so I could do one hour visits, and sometimes half an hour, as often as I wanted to. At the very end I was visiting twice daily, for about half an hour a time. But this is all such a strain for you, isn't it, and you must think about yourself.
     
  12. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    I can't add to the very good advice on her SL because I'm not in your position yet. Does sound like you have been putting a lot of strain on yourself though and has been said, need to care for yourself so that you can continue to be able to spend some quality time with your husband. Sending you love and a big hug.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  13. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    #13 truth24, Jul 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2015
    At the moment I am spending about 2-3 hours every other day visiting Fred. Now going to go on Mon, Wed and Fri because of w/e traffic on M5. It's a 40 mile round trip so need to stay a while. I spend this time with him because he is mostly happy and I want to be with him while he is at this stage. In the beginning I probably only stayed an hour as he was angry and confused and naturally blamed me and I got very upset on each visit.luckily this did change in time so hopefully it will for you too. You will then take pleasure in seeing him again. Ask a carer to distract him if he is upset at you going. I sometimes still do but mostly leave when he starts to eat his lunch when his attention is on his food.
     
  14. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    Thank you everyone

    Thank you everyone for your kind comments. The Care Home is only 5 mins away fortunately and my OH is still communicative, not always in a good way, the fact remains that I would still have the same response whether I stay 1,2,3 hours it when I start to leave the main problems start. I cant imagine at the moment me staying less than 2 hours he would become too upset, I think that will come eventually.

    It will be interesting to see how he is tomorrow after not visiting for 2 and a half days, again the problem is when I come to leave mainly.

    Silver Lining.
     
  15. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi.

    I was wondering what would happen if when you were ready to leave you didn't tell your hubby that you were leaving. Maybe you could just be popping to the ladies, or to the office or any other reason. Could the carers then distract him maybe with lunch or dinner? Would it be worth trying, or would it be the same because you were moving out of his sight? I know its not entirely honest, but if it caused him less distress...

    Lavender
     
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,331
    Female
    South coast
    Lavenders ideas sound good
    Does it make any difference what time you go? I only ask because I noticed that you say that you time it to end when tea arrives, so I assume that you are going in the afternoon. Mum always gets a bit agitated come about 5 - 5.30pm (tiredness? sundowning?) and is definitely better in the morning.
     
  17. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    I am "told" if my OH has to leave the room for any reason
    "DON'T you go anywhere!!! SL
     
  18. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    I have tried everything - if I go in the morning it is when I leave at Lunch time. !! SL
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,666
    Kent
    I don`t know if this will help SL .

    When I visited , in the early days, and my husband was always in the sitting room, I left my coat and bag in his room so I didn`t look like a visitor. He never saw me wearing a coat and if I took him anything, it was in my hands rather than in a bag.

    When it was time to go I went to the toilet or went to take the washing in or went to the shops to buy cake. Anything which he could accept.

    I often peeped round the door on my way out and he was sitting peacefully.
     
  20. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    I have been to see OH this afternoon he was taking part in activities time although once I was there he was distracted. He didn't seem to have "suffered" because I hadn't been for 2 days.
    I had a nice visit with him and I just felt so compassionate towards him, he was so muddled in his conversation/actions.
    When it came for me to start getting ready to leave I said " lets go and have a look in the fish tank, I want to see that lovely fish again" (the fish tank is on the way to the Dining Room) one of the Carers called him into tea and I left without a fuss. Phew! - SL.:)
     

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